How do you get past the fear and sadness after dx

LoverofJesus

Ok this is what me and my hubby are struggling with.

How do you get past the fear and sadness after diagnosis? Like it’s stolen my joy! Yea I’m a Christian and yes I’m praying. But I’m human. And this is so hard.

I can’t seem to enjoy anything because the thoughts of cancer is always there. I grieve what I am losing. And how treatments will change me.

My poor hubby he is kind of this way too. Plus there is fear.

How did everyone get past this worst part mentally??

This site has been so helpful. Cancer is as much mental as it is phy

jhl

Hi Lover,

Yes, cancer is definitely a mental challenge. Here is what has worked for me. After my initial month or two of just wrapping my head around my diagnosis, I decided I would only devote a certain amount of time during the day or week to stewing about my plight. As a couple, my husband & I would only allow ourselves a limited amount of time in any one day to discuss the future or plans for the future. I am a worrier by nature, but years ago I learned that worrying only steals time for the present. I am also old enough to know that so many things I worried about either didn't come to pass or ended up being small issues & not worth the worry.

Sleeping can be a problem when you are faced with big challenges. I spent months with a paper & pen next to my bed where I would write down something I couldn't shake. That either allowed me to build a list of questions or concerns for my medical providers or I would bring it up when my husband & I gave each other the space to talk about my cancer. Also, cry when you need to and let your husband cry when he needs.

Remember this - the worst has happened already. Now, you can build a plan for treatment and for the life you want to live.

All the best,

Jane

exbrnxgrl

LOJ,

You are very recently diagnosed. It does take some time to adjust to a bc diagnosis. So please allow yourself to go through the emotional ride. Time will be the best helper as you come to grip with your reality.

When I was first dx’ed, after the initial shock and before I knew I was stage IV, I decided that regardless of how long or short my life might be I was not going to fritter it away on things I couldn’t control nor would I waste my days on worrying about what might happen in the future. It was a very conscious decision that I had to work on but it was worth it because worry changes nothing and simply robs you of happiness today. Even when it was discovered that I had mets a mere 6 weeks after my bmx, I gave a lot of thought to how I wanted to spend my time and I chose deal with what I knew at the time, in an informed rational manner and not dwell on a future I had no control over. Again, not an easy thing to do but so worth it. I also saw a psychiatrist who specialized in cancer patients and I take an anti-depressant. I have a different perspective on what I’ve lost in that like most I have dreams and plans for the future, but I always knew that despite dreams and plans, nothing was guaranteed. As they say, sh*t happens and sometimes it’s a gigantic pile ! Treatments will most like have some physical/emotional effects on you but they will also likely be the thing that keeps your bc from progressing. Your end goal is to keep your cancer at bay.
I have lived an active, full life since my stage IV dx almost 10 years ago. What a pity it would have been had I not sought help for worry and anxiety and frittered away 10 years about things that might or might not happen andover which I had no control.

It may take some time but you and your husband are adults and will rise to the occasion as most of us and our families do. Take care.

bcincolorado

I know you are scared. When I was diagnosed we had already gone through several health issued with my husband already that were life threatening. We kind of felt like a good sense of humor through our trials helped us a lot. We support each other help when someone needs assistance with something since we each have our own issues going on. Trying to not focus only on medical things helps too keep your lives as normal as you can as well.

I also found out by going on my church prayer list during my active treatment that there were a few others in the congregation that I did not know had been through this. We also could support each each other that way in person at church as well.

There are several different threads here for people of faith that may also be helpful to you as well.

Will keep you in my prayers.

AliceBastable

If you look at my info, you'll see I'm a cancer collector. I probably freaked out a bit with my first one, but once it was past, I adjusted with the help of a forum very similar to this one. The second one, though lightweight, just made me mad, like it was adding insult to injury. The last two I just said, "Well, okey-dokey then, when's surgery?" and my hubby and I scheduled as many fun things as we could for the six months it took for all the tests, surgeries, and treatment. Lots of time spent in nature and lots of humor and goofiness was my solution.

Rah2464

LoverofJesus - you are in mourning of a kind. The impact of a cancer diagnosis can trigger anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, fear - a whole host of emotions. Like mourning, it does get easier as time goes by. You will find you are an extremely resilient person. You do your treatments and deal with whatever comes your way. Eventually it will be come less present in your daily thoughts. At least that has been my experience. Please speak with your doctor about how you are feeling. There are resources that can assist you greatly - therapy or anti anxiety medications. One of the things that helped me the most was to begin chair yoga therapy with a group of cancer patients (caregivers are welcome also). The yoga therapy was tremendously helpful and the fellowship with people that understood truly how I felt was priceless. You will begin to find your balance again, be patient and kind to yourself.

abigailj

LoverofJesus,

There’s a lot of great advice/approaches for you to consider from those who already answered. I’ll only add that for and my husband what works best is living life one day at a time - we don’t know what the future will bring and the past is another country and our passports don’t work there so no point dwelling on it. Hope your treatments go as smoothly as possible and that you and hubby are able to find some peace and also happiness even du these difficult days.

Abigail

momand2kids

I would agree with what has been said- of course it is at the forefront of your mind right now and will be utnil you have a plan for how you are going to handle it--- It feels like it will always be your every thought but it really won't be-- there will be a time when it is not the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing before you go to bed-that time is just not right now.

Like Alice, I have had a couple of run-ins with low level cancers (breast, thyroid and melanoma) all that I learned during the bc experience helped me through the other two- we control so little in this life-- and exbrn is so right- how do you want to spend the time. It is too early for all of that now-one thing that helped me work through it was seeing a therapist-- I could say things there that I could not say anywhere else- and I went back each time I needed to. Do whatever works for you- whatever serves you right now.... deep breaths.

LillyIsHere

I love reading your posts AliceBastable

AliceBastable

LillyIsHere

Aw, thank you!

LoverofJesus

Thank you everyone!!! I think that the stage III freaked me out a bit. But after he explained why it was stage three I think I feel better. (Maybe).

I just want to live another at least 25 years. I know 86% of stage 3 are surviving. That within itself gives me hope.

Traveltext

Lots of good suggestions from members. Everyone handles this situation differently. A few years ago I wrote an article on the alternate emotions, hope and fear.

http://malebc.org/hope-and-fear/

saltmarsh

LOJ, I was terrified initially, and cried a lot in the first few weeks. Like, a lot a lot.

Then, I got past some of the fear and sadness by being proactive and taking care of things I'd want taken care of if I were going to die soon. For example, I wrote letters to my closest family reminding them how much I love them (and why), just in case I died and they ever felt like they needed reminders. While I think I cried harder working on this project than any other I've ever done, it helped to have something to focus on and to know that -- as best as I could -- I was taking care of them. I took care of stuff around the house I wouldn't want my husband or son to have to deal with after I died. And I did as many nice things for family members as I could, in case I didn't have much more opportunity. And I had already taken stock of my relationships and made sure I was in "right relationship" with everyone in my life, so that wasn't weighing on me.

Sometimes I wasn't able to pull out of the funk.

At others, music really helped me either to feel the feelings and let go, or shift to a better mood. Daily meditation also helped calm me. (Since you are a Christian, perhaps one of the many Christ-centered meditations out there would feel appropriate.). Some days I felt lousy but decided to take the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach and dress up in whatever made me feel happy or pretty, and just start with, "Well, I may have cancer, but at least my earrings are sparkling, and are coordinated with my necklace and this updo is awesome!" And that may sound dumb and shallow but it helped kick my butt out of bed and into the world!

I agree that so much of the experience is a mental challenge, and I really wasn't prepared for that, but once I wrapped my brain around it a bit, I started feeling much, much better. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't suddenly all sunshine and rainbows, but it made a huge difference for me.

I hope you find things that work for you!

OnTarget

You were just diagnosed in late May! You will go through the normal grieving process, and it might be helpful to read up on that a bit. Everything you feel is normal (sad, angry, etc). You have to get through certain milestones and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It went through my process which included a lot of waiting and freaking out, but after surgery I felt better.

I feel great now. I appreciate life more, I try to do fun things.

The thing that helps me best is to imagine how much worse things could be. It doesn't help everyone, but I am so grateful for what I have. Just the other day I was researching tissue expanders because I had an implant infection, and had to have it removed and then had a new tissue expander placed. The new tissue expander leaked, and I need a replacement, which is delaying my reconstruction even longer. It's been over 2 years since my BMX, and I have a while to go still. As I was researching I saw some gruesome pictures of what some people need tissue expanders for, and I am GRATEFUL that I only have cancer, and not a totally messed up face or whatever other thing. I am happy that I'm just dealing with the minor inconvenience of a TE surgery.

I do this for everything. I'm glad I have cancer and that I wasn't paralyzed in a car accident. I'm glad I didn't have an arm cut off or lose fingers- I'd trade 2 boobs for fingers any day.

I'm not trying to be trite, but for me, to remember that this sucks, but it could be WAY worse is very helpful in reminding me that things are ok.

julesAI

So many great posts! LoverofJesus, it makes sense to me that hearing "stage 3" was scary. Mine was stage 2 but my doctor told me that the stage was not important. What was important was the kind of cancer and how it could be treated. So good on your doc for finally explaining what was what! As others have written, mourning is a process. Try not to judge yourself around what you feel. Our life changes, but we are here still living.