I’m going to have cancer forever, :(

Mrsammieb

I have triple negative breast cancer that is already in 4 lymph nodes. After doing all the test and things you must do before starting chemo, I finally started chemo on March 26th. It wasn’t so bad. I think I did pretty good. However, one week later I spiked a high fever and went to Urgent Care... I got COVID, my wbc was super low and it just could not fight it. I went into the hospital for a week. Got home and was on oxygen. Basically all of April I was down and could not have chemo. I used all my sick days at work too! Finally I got the all clear to go back to work and restarted chemo. Again, it wasn’t so bad. Then time for round 3 my labs were too low to get the next round. So I’m waiting 2 weeks to let my wbc recoop. I should be done with these first 4 rounds and starting taxol. I honestly know I can’t rush things. I know there’s probably a good reason all this is happening but grrr. I can’t really complain because I’m supposed to be positive. So thank y’all for letting me complain

Beesie

Well, crap, I'm sorry. You are certainly being put through the wringer. Hopefully though when you finally get through this, you won't have cancer forever... even if right now it feels that way.

By the way, who said you are supposed to be positive? Read here:

In Defense of Sadness http://www.cancerlynx.com/sadness.html

There are many threads on this discussion board that discuss the "Be Positive" myth. This one is recent and the discussion touches on it:

Topic: I'm not on a "journey" and I'm not a "warrior." Who is with me? https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic...

This one hasn't been active for a while but is one of my favorites:

Topic: The "Be Positive" myth https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/109/topic...

Personally I think it's a lot healthier to allow yourself to feel what you feel. So complain away!

gb2115

Honestly, chuck the "be positive" stuff out the window. It's ok to be upset with your situation and grieve it. I'm grieving my recurrence and current lack of a plan as I wait for results (as the days and minutes tick by), and it grates on my nerves when people tell me to be positive. I'm lucky I'm not hiding in the closet here at work just sobbing. I have a coworker who keeps telling me to be positive, that anxiety/stress makes it all worse (right...) and to not eat sugar. I know she means well, but I'm well within my right to grieve an overall loss of well-being and not as great as it was long term prognosis. I remember my nurse navigator, the first time i went through this, told me that studies actually show that being positive doesn't equal better outcomes, and it was ok to be upset. That helped a lot hearing that.

We totally get it here, and this is a safe place to vent.

moth

I'm sorry your chemo is dragging out like this. I was hospitalized for febrile neutropenia twice when I was doing the AC portion in 2018 - it dragged everything out so I feel you.

I agree you don't have to be positive. Being positive has no impact on outcomes and so to me it's a selfish request from people around us - it's just to make them feel good and that's not our job.

Speaking of job - is there no way you can go on leave for a while? You've been through a lot and your body is weak and needs rest.

Can you take neulasta or neupogen injections to improve your blood counts for chemo?

Lastly, I was a bit taken aback by your title. I thought you meant you'd need diagnosed stage 4. For us stage 4, we will have csncer forever. Right now you're just taking a longer time to get through treatment. My stage 1 treatment took 9 months. Some things can't be rushed

Hang in there 🤗

exbrnxgrl

I was a bit taken aback by your title as well but I'm glad you are not stage IV. We, stage IV, do have cancer forever and it's treatments until they all fail and we die. You are fortunate that you don't need to face our reality.

Regardless, one cannot be endlessly positive. It's important to experience your emotions fully, get it out and then focus on what needs to be done. Your situation sounds frustrating and it seems that in the medical world the wheels don't always turn fast and of course, Covid19 threw a real monkey wrench into the works. You will finish your tx and chances are you will then carry on with your life. Take care

santabarbarian

Fellow TNBC, several nodes person here. TNBC is one of the cancers that can be very responsive to treatment. Mine was. I hope yours will be too. Theres a lot of good info here and "calling all TNs" is an active thread.

Good thought above, re neulasta! Ask for it.

One foot in front of the other. You can do it.

LW422

Mrsammieb--seems like a lot of cancer treatment is "hurry up and wait." We just want to get on with it and hopefully get DONE with it. Hang in there.

Don't worry about the "being positive" crap. It's OK to mourn the lives we used to have. My best wishes to you.

Mrsammieb

I’m sorry for my title. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I can see how that isn’t quite the right wording.

I’m a teacher so one more day of school and then I’ll have summer to focus on me. I’ve been given the shot to help my wbc. I’ll see how it goes on Monday!

wrenn

I agree with the being positive thing. Being whatever you are eases tension.

I am triple neg and found lump mid June, had surgery mid August and because of complications from surgery I couldn't start chemo until the end of Nov. I was then cut off chemo after first dose from complications. I am doing great coming up to 8 years.

I'm glad to hear you are about to focus on yourself instead of work. Glad you found the site. All the best

LW422

Mrsammib: You were not disrespectful at all. No need to apologize; you are going through a tough time just like the rest of us. Hugs to you.