Fertility Preservation / Child-Free Partner

Wespe

Is 2020 over yet? I am hanging tough, but I haven't even started treatment and starting to feel like the universe is seriously pissed off at me.

My partner and I have been together over a decade. When our relationship started we were young and it was all about preventing an oopsie. Man, so many years trying not to get pregnant and being terrified of an unplanned pregnancy only to find myself feeling very alone and wishing I hadn't waited.

I have had a very demanding career and had a tough childhood so becoming a mom wasn't high on my 20's list. As I've gotten older, life has gotten more stable, that natural progression seemed to be coming... or so I thought. Over the last couple years as I raised the topic more seriously, my partner brought up various reasons he wasn't ready yet or didn't see how it was possible with my career, but he left the door cracked. I've worked to create better work boundaries and balance, we moved closer to both sets of parents and I thought we'd be warming in that direction.. but it's only seemed to become less appealing for him.

1 month ago, BOOM. CANCER.

If there's anything positive I can take out of this life bomb, it's that before I would often fence sit and wonder if I really wanted kids, wonder how do you know if that's right for you, etc... I unshakably know now that I want to be married, have children, be a family. Nearly 15 years and he's never proposed either but that's a whole different set of baggage. We're in a pandemic, though so I'll leave the carry-ons in the attic for now.

He loves me. He's very good to me. He's supportive in every other way. I almost wish he was a jerk as that would make it easier. He's handled my diagnosis very well, almost too well to be honest. He's definitely in that small blip mindset right now.

Last weekend I brought up kids again and that I had decisions for fertility to make as I will be soon getting Zolodex and Chemo. Hopefully my fertility comes back, but as you all know, it might not. He made it pretty clear that he does not want a baby... but he said it was good I could freeze my eggs if I wanted to and said it was good docs are giving me so many options... then carries on regular life like normal. I meanwhile am feeling more and more crazy by the day as I'm living with this person who has said they don't want kids when I ugly sobbed (I rarely cry) that I was about to go on this journey and I felt so out of control and I do want kids.

And it's 2020, so as I sit grappling with all this, of COURSE news has to travel to me that my high school sweetheart and ex-fiance just got married and has a new baby due next month. Not that that has ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING but I am sick of this year and feeling like the universe is punishing me.

I am 36 years old. Aside from friggin cancer, which I am going to kick the **** out of; I am very healthy. The good news is I'm going into all of this in the best shape of my life. My first fertility consult is Monday, my MO is supportive and I intend on freezing at least one round of eggs if I am eligible and can figure out the $$. (I have savings, but also have mounting debts and high deductible insurance, yay)

I love him so much, but I can't help but think I am going to have to go this road alone.

I'm sorry. To others having walked this path and worse and in the thick of it, I probably sound ridiculous... but eh I have done everything else right as an adult to take care of him and my family and work... I feel like I have to be selfishly strong right now.

Thank-you if anyone is reading this. I feel so alone these days and it's nice to have this place to come.