Advice Needed About Holidays

Scaredbutstrong

I'm about to start chemotherapy. My first session will be 11/23/20. I will be getting Taxol and Herceptin once a week for 3 months; then Herceptin once every 3 weeks for 9 months. My plan is to stay at my parents house after my first treatment in case I need help with any side effects (I live alone). My concern is with Thanksgiving being 3 days after my chemo. My sister and her husband and 3 kids will be coming to my parents for Thanksgiving. None of them have taken Covid seriously and refuse to wear masks. Will I be at an increased risk ? Would it be safer for me to stay at my own house that day ? I don't feel like fighting about it, I just simply want to stay as safe as I reasonably can. I'm simply not sure if I would be overreacting by staying away or not. Any thoughts ?

moth

Ask your MO for advice too but in my opinion you would be safer at home. Load up your fridge and freezer with easy to eat fairly bland foods that don't require much preparation. Get a variety of drinks in - your taste buds might be affected and you will want to stay hydrated (esp if the dreaded diarrhea hits) but sometimes water can be hard to get down. I like fizzy waters and water with lemon juice but everyone develops their own preference. Some pople like gatorade etc. Read on the Taxol threads & the Herceptin threads what people experience for side effects and prepare your stash.

Taxol affects your white counts leaving you immunosuppressed. You might not have enough immunity to fight off any germs. So yeah, you need to be super careful. There was a study recently about cancer patients and covid & outcomes were poor. Do not risk it. I wouldn't stay there even if they were wearing masks unless they had self-quarantined for 14 days prior to make sure they were not asymptomatically spreading (esp common with kids)

You're not over-reacting by staying away. You need to stay safe. Home deliveries only, avoid going anywhere unessential, no social visits (except maybe a walk 2 m apart and wearing masks).

IMO, even if you're not in an area where there has been a lockdown declared, as a cancer pt in active treatment, you need to ACT as if a lockdown was in effect. We're part of the 'vulnerable' population that they talk about being at significantly higher risk from covid.

If your family objects or rolls their eyes, just say my oncologist said so :P

best wishes

DebAL

Scaredbutstrong, GOOD GRIEF, totally agree with moth. Don't put yourself in that situation. You do not need the increased risk of getting covid on top of going through treatment. Given your situation why can't your sister and her family consider seeing your parents another time? Let them roll their eyes all they want. You do what you need to to stay safe. I'm really sorry you need to deal with situation. Take care and sending good thoughts your way.

LivinLife

I haven't been on the COVID thread before though thought I would check out the holiday thread... I am not in your position with breast cancer treatment for sure. I do have various health issues stemming mostly from scleroderma and the 20% of sjogrens (vs. 80% of folks with the more common symptoms). I have been very careful through all of this only going where I really need to and limiting how often. I think you're at greater risk than me with your current treatment. I'm with moss and DebAL - home is the best place for you!!! No reason to take chances, esp. these days with rising numbers.

Sunshine99

This is more and more distressing... We (my husband and I) were planning to drive to my dad's home for Thanksgiving. We're in San Diego, he's in the Napa Valley. My sister, her husband and another friend were planning to be together for Thanksgiving. I'm just getting less and less comfortable with making the trip and exposing myself, or my dad to any bugs. In addition, with my treatment, my immune system is shot. I think I just need to cancel the travel plans.

Scaredbutstrong

You've all made me feel better about my concerns and I thank you for that. My sister is very frustrating to deal with and I generally try to avoid getting into confrontations with her. She's super religious and literally thinks that I'm wasting time and money by relying on doctors advice to treating my cancer. I'm not trying to say anything bad about religion, just my sister using it to justify criticizing my health decisions. I usually keep my mouth shut and keep the peace for my parents sake. I adore them. I just don't think I can expose myself to possibly getting horribly sick simply to avoid a fight. I feel resentful and angry that I have to. I honestly don't care if my sister gets mad. I just don't want to distress my parents. They are both in their 80's and won't be around much longer. Anyway, I guess I needed to let it out here and relieve some stress. The past few months has been one stressful situation after another. I'm pretty sure that constant stress isn't good when you're fighting cancer. I appreciate having people like you, who understand and don't mind me letting off some steam.

Cowgirl13

Scared, I couldn't agree more with what everyone has said. Stay home and stay safe.

DebAL

scared, I'm with you. I avoid confrontations at all costs too. I hope you feel comfortable having the conversation with your parents. I'm sure they want you with them but hopefully they will understand your concerns.

Does your sister live nearby your parents or are they traveling a distance? Hoping for the latter. You would think your sister would also consider the increased risk their visit would cause your patents if they aren't mindful

Again, this is the time to put yourself first. Period. Do you have a close friend you can count on if you need anything?

You are such a thoughtful daughter and I'm sure your parents adore you as much as you adore them.

SuQu31

Just wanted to chime in and agree with what everyone has said. I also wish your sister and her family would re-think potentially exposing your dear parents to COVID. Agree on avoiding conflict, but this decision really should be about what is best for you. Best wishes.

Beaverntx

DH and I are the 80 year old parents, we do not plan to see our sons and their families over the holidays and we are usually the hosts. Too many risk factors--grandkids in school, their work environments etc. From our side I've had healthcare appointments at least twice a week for five weeks and have two different ones this coming week. I am careful but who knows. Using the motto to be safe instead of sorry.

Sunshine99

I feel like I'm getting "permission" from all of you to not go to my dad's place for Thanksgiving. My husband will support me in whatever decision I make. My gut is telling me not to go.

Cancer sucks and COVID sucks.

MelissaDallas

This is from a Facebook post from the son of a dear lifelong friend of my family. He died very recently. My mom is almost eighty and she and Tim went to grade school together. He was also the family CPA for extremely complicated oil and gas trusts. The title was “a dinner party killed my Dad.

When the pandemic started, my parents were very concerned.

They limited their social interactions.

They cut back on attending all but the biggest family events.

Over time, life had to continue.

Mom and Dad started going to the store.

They attended a few more of their grandkids' little league games.

They always wore masks when they went out.

Then, someone from their church small group was put on hospice for a non-covid related illness.

The small group, some of whom had met monthly for 35 years, wanted to see their friend.

The numbers of cases and hospitalization were dropping.

No one knew anyone who had died from the virus.

So they decided it would be ok to have a dinner party.

They got their new house ready.

After all, Mom and Dad had finally downsized into their new home after living in the same place for almost 40 years.

This would be their first time to entertain in the new house.

My brother, the lawyer, objected to them holding the dinner party.

But you can only object so loudly before you start sounding like a worry-wart.

I didn't see anything wrong with Mom and Dad having their friends over.

Neither did my youngest brother.

The group gathered for a dinner party and a bible study, just as they had every month for many years before the virus shut everything down.

It's hard to wear masks at a dinner party.

They hadn't seen each other in more than 6 months.

And one of their friends was dying but was able to attend the party.

It seemed like old times.

No one was particularly worried about getting the virus.

After all, virtually no one they knew had gotten it.

If they did know someone who had the virus, it acted a lot like the flu. They were fine after a week or so.

These people were their long-time friends.

They were safe with these people.

Hugs were given. Hands were shaken. Masks were taken off.

But it wasn't safe.

Someone at the party had the virus but didn't know it.

That person worked at the church.

She wasn't feeling sick at all.

But she did start feeling sick the next day.

She got tested and promptly let everyone who was at the party know she was positive for Covid-19.

I remember getting a call from Dad while my family and I were dining at a restaurant.

He told me that he and Mom had been exposed to the virus.

I wasn't too worried.

Dad had some underlying health issues that could cause some issues, but he probably didn't have it.

The next day, we found out he tested positive.

Mom was negative at first.

Then she started losing her taste and smell.

She was tested again, and they both had it.

I bought them a pulse oxygen reader.

We contacted our family physician and other doctor friends.

Dad did accounting for many doctors for many years, so he had lots of medical advice.

I talked to Dad on the third day after his diagnosis.

He had a slight cough and a very slight fever.

Mom couldn't smell or taste anything.

Dad told me, "if it stays like this, I'm going to be happy."

It didn't stay like that.

One week after he was exposed, he had to call an ambulance because his oxygen levels dropped down to 88.

I was at his house, helping with some yard work, and had just left.

I came back to see him loaded into the ambulance.

It was the last time I ever saw him conscious.

We thought he would be home shortly after they gave him some oxygen.

But the hospital was filling up.

It took him almost two days to get a bed outside of the ER.

At first, we would talk to him while he sat in the hospital bored.

They wanted him to lay on his stomach, but the hip replacement he had a few years back made that difficult.

His Oxygen levels were getting worse.

Chest X-rays showed he had pneumonia caused by the virus.

He started having trouble speaking.

After a week in the hospital, he wasn't getting better, no matter what the doctors tried.

They tried every breathing apparatus at their disposal.

They pumped him full of oxygen.

His lungs were damaged.

They moved him to the ICU.

He could hardly text and couldn't talk on the phone without his oxygen levels, dropping to dangerous levels.

We couldn't see him.

They were just about to put him on a ventilator.

They told us if he went on a ventilator, he had a very slim chance of survival.

We all got on the phone with him.

We said our goodbyes.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to tell my father goodby over the phone on a conference call.

They actually let my mom visit him for a little while.

Then he rallied for one day.

We saw some improvement. The doctor even said so.

He started texting us.

He was able to text the grandkids.

They told him how much they loved him and wanted him to get better.

I talked to him on the phone. He told me he didn't want to die.

I told him he was going to get better.

The next day, I got a call from the hospital.

The doctor — one I hadn't talked to before, wanted to talk about putting Dad on a ventilator.

I was confused.

He was doing better the day before.

But overnight, his oxygen levels had dropped.

I asked the doctor for some time to get my Mom up there again.

He said no. He had to do it now. Dad was in danger of coding if he didn't

I got Mom and my brothers on the phone.

Dad couldn't talk. We had to take the doctor's word that he was nodding his head.

We told him we loved him.

We told him to fight.

We all headed up to the hospital.

I hoped we could get there in time for Mom to see him before they intubated him.

We weren't that lucky.

But we did get to see him.

And it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

He looked like a ghost.

He was in distress.

Doctors and nurses were all around him.

His room was pure chaos.
I don't think they were supposed to let us back there.

We soon found out that as they put Dad on the ventilator, his lungs collapsed.

Both of them.

They were able to insert chest tubes to get him stable.

The doctor told us he was stable.

We left the hospital.

There was nothing we could do but wait for Dad to get better.

Mom didn't want to be alone.

We all went to dinner on a patio that night.

I drove Mom.

As soon as I got home, the hospital called.

They said that Dad had no blood pressure, and we needed to come up there right away.

I rushed back out to Mom's house and got her.

She cried all the way to the hospital.

When we got there, my brother had already arrived.

He told me.

Dad was gone.

Please, when you are planning your Thanksgiving this year, remember this story.

I would never tell anyone what to do for their own family. I know that even a month ago, the thought of not having a family Thanksgiving — which happens to be my favorite holiday — would have been met with resistance, probably flat-out ignored.

But this year, Mom will be coming over. And that's it.

Because a dinner party killed my Dad.

Cowgirl13

Melissa, thank you for posting.

YesIamaDragon

If it helps, I will also chime in to support your decision to keep your distance from family members! Numbers are spiking everywhere in the country, and those of us in active treatment absolutely need to not get COVID! And it spreads easily in family gatherings.

Our Governor has now prohibited gathering with anyone who does not live in your household EVEN OUTSIDE! Even college students returning from in-state campuses need to quarantine for 14 days before they can interact with family members.

Especially on Taxol. it does a number on your immune system. The first cycle you should be fine taking care of yourself. Maybe even all the way through (I had TCHP, and am on an ADC now). But have plenty of drinks and easy to prep food around and you will be much safer and happier by yourself! And you can do a video Thanksgiving with your family! And just mute your sister when she starts talking stuff you don't need to hear

DebAL

True post Melissa, thanks for sharing. I don't want to hijack this thread but while we are on the subject.....

My 25 year old nurse daughter has already held many iPads for her patients to say good bye to family members. She is shook up after every shift. First round was 12 weeks on a covid floor. She started round 2 today for who knows how long. Meanwhile , she gets so pissed when she sees friends gatherings continuing to happen on social media. It doesn't have to be this way.

Yeslama, great idea about the mute button. Sunshine, its not always easy but listen to your gut. Stay safe everyone

LillyIsHere

I am staying home. This Thanksgiving is not the same. This year is not the same as before. We have changed our lives to adopt and take care of loved ones and us. I consider a small price to pay for the health of us all.

bcincolorado

Our primary even said he will not see anyone this year and will not even see his own parents. Not worth a risk. Told us both stay home and go no where. Too dangerous out there.

Maybe by next year if we are alive still.

LivinLife

Moving and powerful story!!! Thank you for sharing - this is such a sneaky disease - so many people think it is just like the flu when it is nothing like the flu..... We canceled all of our family holiday plans several weeks ago... just not worth it!

bcincolorado

Our State head virus doc was doing a PSA today telling everyone to STAY home through the end of the month. Period. Only food or medical only. Period. They said every time you are in a group of 20 people 1 has COVID now here. SCARY!!!

And yet there are still dumb people not wanting to mask up!!!

yellowdoglady

I will just say this about that. Stay home and stay safe. I'm coming up on my 12 year cancerversary, but when I was in treatment, I avoided ANYTHING that could set me off schedule/interrupt my treatment. I went to the market at 7:30 at night to avoid children who could be carrying illness. I did not attend large events while in active treatment. I went to work 4 days a week, but was careful to avoid anyone who was at all unwell. I got plenty of rest. That was just common sense. Get it done right.

This year adds a new wrinkle to an already frightening time. Getting sick with COVID-19 is not trivial for anyone, but those with suppressed immune systems are extremely vulnerable. Why risk it? Why risk the outcome of your treatment if you have to suspend that to recover from this virus? Many people are not taking the current situation seriously, and that puts vulnerable people even more at risk.

Please put your health first. Use zoom or another online service to see family over the holidays, but please do not mix and mingle with other households that may not be following strict (or any) preventative measures. It's too important to see what comes later to lose that to being cavalier today. But I think we understand that much more than others who assume they are healthy and won't be impacted by what they might think of as "a flu."

Sunshine99

I just called my dad to let him know that we were not going to drive up to his place for Thanksgiving. He totally got it and we had a really nice chat. It's so sad, but it would be much more sad if one of us got sick or got someone else sick.

Cancer sucks, COVID sucks, but life is good. I'm determined to have a good day today!

LivinLife

Glad to hear you felt confident enough to make that call. I'm glad it went well too! Hopefully you can touch base by phone or Zoom or something on Thanksgiving. Enjoy your day whatever you decide.... You're taking care of you and your family as best you can!