Considering flat/prothestics... friends/fam against it?

Jksmahoney

Hey, all. I'm Jess. I was diagnosed one week ago and am facing a bilateral mastectomy (I guess that's a BMX?). A friend of the family is currently recovering from the same surgery with expanders and says it very uncomfortable. Plus, I just don't like the idea of anything foreign in my body, if I can help it. But family and friends keep saying that I won't feel like myself, that my self-esteem will suffer, etc. I kind of feel like the person I was last week is gone and I need to make decisions based on moving forward to a new reality, not trying to hold on to something I can never really have.

To be very honest, I know I won't love either option, so I feel like having the reconstruction will just add concerns and subtract time I could spend healing and enjoying my life

What have your experiences been with dealing with family expectations... and your own? Any regrets?

MountainMia

Jks, it's great that you're asking these questions. I can't answer about reconstruction as I had lumpectomy, not mastectomy. What I can say is, it's no one else's body, only yours. You are the one who needs to be happy with your decision. Your concerns are very valid, and you get to feel what you feel without anyone telling you you're wrong to feel that way.

Other members here will probably respond, or point you to established posts on this same subject. Good luck.

Moderators

Hi there, Jksmahoney! Welcome to our community we hope you find this to be a supportive place!

As MountainMia said, you are the only person who needs to be happy with the decision you made. And it's a very personal decision! People choose to live flat or have reconstruction based on what's best for them, and there is no right or wrong answer. We suggest reading through some of the threads here to get an idea of what you can expect with both scenarios, and talking to your doctors about your concerns. The only person who has to live with your choice is you, and your needs and comfort should be your top priority.

The Mods

MinusTwo

I had reconstruction and am very happy with my decision. BUT - as stated above it should be about you. Not about me or ANY of your family.

I hope you are aware that you can have the BMX w/o making any immediate decision. You can do reconstruction later. Just let your doc know that you may opt differently down the road so they can preserve enough skin. Then if you decide to stay flat down the road, you can have that excess skin removed if it bothers you.

exbrnxgrl

I think we all agree. This is your body, your life, your decision. Thank them for caring so much but look to your own feelings and let that guide your decisions. All the best.

Pessa

I had BMx without reconstruction10 yrs ago. (Also had chemo and 9 years of Arimidex. No recurrance). I did not have reconstruction as I, too, was worried about a foreign body in my body and was concerned about problems with surgeries. I am happy with my decision. My foobs (fake boobs) are comfortable and look completely normal when I am wearing clothes. I was 58 years old at the time of diagnosis and was not (still am not) married.

ruthbru

Your self-esteem and confidence comes from the inside, not from any physical attribute. Reconstruction generally involves multiple surgeries and uncertain outcomes. Some people are very happy with their results, some are extremely unhappy, and most are probably somewhat ambivalent. Wanting to heal and get back to your 'real' life are good and valid reasons to put off, or skip, reconstruction. Scroll through the 'All Topics' or do a search. There are threads for ladies who have chosen to go flat, and others for those who have chosen different reconstruction procedures. Look through those threads and some of their stories may speak to you as you make your decisions. And remember, the only person's opinion that matters in the end is YOURS!

DKMDKM

Hi, this is Donna. I had a left mastectomy without reconstruction and my sister had a double mastectomy without reconstruction. Neither of us have ever had any regrets. Like you, we didn't want foreigh objects in our bodies. It's easy to use prostheses, and no one knows unless you tell them. I suggest doing what YOU are comfortable with, Best wishes on your journey.

LaughingGull

Hi Jksmahoney,

It's normal to take your time to consider all these things, these decisions are agonizing. Pat yourself in the back, take your time to think about everything, and ask as many question as you need. Tell your family how you feel, and soon they will support you; your decision will be the right decision.

My perspective: no reconstruction sounded cleaner, simpler, and also kind of more authentic; truer to the real situation, less phony. Fake boobs? Hell, no! And I agree with the prior poster who said that confidence comes from the inside. At the time, I was heading to single mastectomy, but in the end I had a second, prophylactic mastectomy, six months later.

I am very active: I run, I swim, I skate...always out or at the gym or the pool. Work full time, talk to a lot of people, present things to people etc. My first experience with prosthetics was the wig during chemo. I didn't care for the wig, felt like a chore I didn't need, wore hats and scarves instead; fast forward to surgery. I considered/imagined the prosthetics, special bras, putting on and taking out the thing, what swimsuit etc. I realized I'd rather not deal with that. I imagined that, after a week with the special bras, taking in and out that prosthetic thing, I would miss a permanent solution, no matter how ugly. So I had simple recon with silicon gummies. I am comfortable, and my range of motion is great, even after underarm surgery. I have no nipples. I didn't care about the missing nipples and even liked the "bionic" look, but one day I was showering at the pool, and my teenage daughter was also showering with her friends (we swim at the same pool), and some of the girls were commenting on that nipple-less woman. She was proud to tell her friends "she is my mom" but after that, I got the tattoos. Even if you don't care what people say, blending seamlessly can be convenient.

Best of luck with your decision, and much love to you

LaughingGull

Mountainlover

I underwent a uni-MX with TE placement in July. I have no idea when I will have the exchange as all "elective" surgeries are now on hold due to covid. I was always clear I wanted reconstruction, but not a flap procedure as I didn't want other parts of the body to be affected.

And I'm glad skin and nipple sparing turned out to be possible, as that meant keeping more of my body.

The TE is uncomfortable, and the immediate reconstruction implied a more involved surgery. I had a couple of complications including hematoma and significant blood loss which required a second emergency surgery 24 hours from the first , and moderate seroma which was aspirated twice. As I said, I am glad this reconstruction was possible , when I look at the mirror, despite the lumps and folds, it still feels like me (it that makes sense), plus I can wear all previous clothes and do not need to think of prosthetics. I feel at ease if my kids see me changing clothes, too.

Having said this, with all the pain and discomfort caused by the TE, the surgeries still ahead of me, a prospect made all the more uncertain and complicated by covid, I have often thought that hadn't I felt so strongly that I wanted reconstruction, this wouldn't have been worth.

So, I have no regrets, but definitely reconstruction is not for all and I can see how staying flat could be desirable for many.

All the best !

glennie19

I have no regrets at being flat. I didn't want all the extra surgeries and possible complications, and I didn't like the idea of foreign bodies trapped inside my body. Took me months to get used to a tooth implant.

It is YOUR decision. Agree with the others on here who suggested that you read other posts from those who have stayed flat, and those who had recon.

Even when I had the excess skin removed, the plastic surgeon told me that if I ever changed my mind, I could still have recon. Not that I want it, but just to let you know. You can have the BMX and decide later on.

Jksmahoney

Thank you all so much for your insights.

My husband is being very supportive. Oddly, it is my mother who thinks I should do it, something I never expected from her. It's a huge decision because I'm pretty sure I won't go back and do it later (although I am glad that that option is open to me). But every time I think about recovering from surgery with something in my chest, I feel sick. I know I will miss my boobs, and cry, and feel ugly... at least for a while. But I feel like I can adapt to anything, if I have to. I just want to pick my battles. And this one just isn't important enough to me to go through.

I'm so glad I found this forum.

Beesie

Why would anyone think that they know better than you what you should do with your body?

The role of your family and friends is to be supportive of whatever you choose to do. Their role is not to pressure you into a choice that you are not comfortable with, or to make your decision-making process more difficult.

I've been hanging around here a long time and this is one of my pet peeves, when family and friends try to influence a patient's surgery choice. This is simply too personal for anyone else to voice an opinion on.

As for the decision itself, take a read through the two forums on this site, the one for reconstruction and the one for those who choose to go flat. And see if you can find pictures of the end results, those who've had reconstruction and those who've gone flat, so that you know what to expect.

Do what's best for you. Thank your family and friends for their interest, but explain that this is your decision to make and you would appreciate their support but not their opinions.

ShetlandPony

So she believes that your self-esteem and sense of who you are depends on your having breasts. She is working under assumptions which are not valid. She is trying to care for you but has fallen into a trap of thinking about this in a way that is not true for you. Gently tell her how she can actually help you right now. Moms feel awful when their kids are in trouble, and If she is a good mom I am sure she does not actually want to make this harder for you.

Don’t let a surgeon do that to you, either. If you decide to go flat without extra skin left “just in case”, make sure they will agree to aesthetic flat closure and not second-guess you.

glennie19

If you are on Facebook, you could look at the groups "Not Putting on a Shirt" "The Grace Project" "Flat and Fabulous"

You can find some pictures there of women who have chosen to go flat. That's my route, and I'm not trying to influence you, but those are the people I know. Others can help you with finding pics of recon breasts. Plastic surgeons who do recon usually have pics on their websites too. The one who did my skin removal did.

Edited to add: Mel has pictures out there too. I think if you scroll thru her posts on this thread (start at the end and work backwards) you could probably find links. https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/82/topics...

wallycat

I don't regret going flat. Do I wish I had my boobs...of course, but as someone posted, they would feel "unauthentic" and fake. The sensation and beauty would not be there regardless of the silicone or saline. To me, it was sort of rebellious too...If this is the best science had for me, then screw societal norms. Also, my dx was ILC and that can be a sneaky cancer. I didn't want to make it any more difficult to dx a recurrence, should it happen.

I'll preface that I had large, full breasts and sometimes, the attention they garnered, especially when I was younger, was sometimes a challenge. The thought of going flat and flying "under the radar" was freeing. I had a friend who was small breasted and her comment was something to the effect of "if I have to get cancer, at least i'm getting bigger boobs out of this.." so life experience can also project a slant on what we hope to feel like on the other side of the treatment.

Interestingly, my twin sister once commented that if she had to make the choice, she'd probably do recon because her hubby is into boobs. I was lucky mine is a leg guy!

DH and I both went to a plastic surgeon (my breast surgeon recommended it) and he walked out of there, green and deer-in-headlights. He said it was totally my decision but I could tell how horrified he was.

So for all of that, my decision seemed easier. I looked at a lot of fashion magazines, ballet sites, etc. where women were flatter and accepted more for it...I looked at post surgical sites to see what to expect. In the end, the adjustment was much less traumatic than I anticipated. I think the fear and dread of cancer sort of numbs people's feelings, which helped in that regard.

Best to you and remember, your mother's opinion is based on her living history and era she grew up.

romashka

Jksmahoney,

I'm glad you are here and reaching out. Such good support here.

I am very flat and very happy. You will ease into your choice in time.

The choice for me was easy and I had good support. Defintely surprised some folks.

I do not use foobs and feel good going about as is.

No extra surgeries, no more bras hanging on door knobs, extra dresser drawer, no mammograms, etc.

I prefer being flat. Boobs were then, flat is now.

I wish you much peace and happiness.

Peregrinelady

Just remember that your feelings can change. I never thought that I would get surgery, but after the shock of the initial diagnosis I started reading about DIEP surgery. I ended up having it and am very happy with the results. Although I will say that I don’t know if I would have pursued it during a pandemic.