BIRAD 5 for mom today. Worried mine consuming me

DropfootCheeks

Hi everyone. I’ve been stalking these forums for the last few days and I told myself “if anything really emotional comes up, I need to ask this amazing community for some kind words” and here I am. My very active, very healthy mid 50s mother with no history found a lump in her breast near her armpit the beginning of April. She recently went in for an ultrasound and mammogram. The results of that came back 1 lump BI-RAD 5 2cm and swollen lymph nodes. Doctor said she needs an biopsy ASAP. Other breast is totally fine.

So. I am fully prepared to deal with the fact my mother most likely has cancer. I know the waiting is the hardest part. But I am vomiting, shaking, having horrible panic attacks. Any words of wisdom will help me right now. It makes me so thrilled to see everyone reaching out to each other. I think what worries me most is my mom is a bit of a recluse when it comes to her private life, and I know this will all be on me. Is that awful to think that? I just feel sad and overwhelmed like I’m in a horror movie.

Thank you all so much for reading this.

-DFC

MinusTwo

DFC - no reason to think "likely" at this point. You have to back off and take it one day at a time. Even if the biopsy is positive, there are so many different types of breast cancer. I don't understand why you say it's all on you. Since your Mom is only in her mid 50s, she needs to take responsibility for her appointments and plans. It's great if she lets you go with her because we all need another pair of ears, but the decisions must be hers.

MelissaDallas

My thought is that your mom may be private about her personal life because she may fear your reaction to things if shaking, vomiting and having panic attacks is not wildly outside the norm for you. She needs to be focused on herself and not on taking care of you, so I hope that is what you mean by this “being all on me.” You need to have someone to talk to who is not your mom, or even perhaps a counselor of some kind to discuss this with if you are literally making yourself ill.

There is a forum for family members looking to support someone. You could post a new topic there.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16

Moderators

DropfootCheeks, we're sorry you're dealing with all this, your mom's lump and your anxiety. We don't really know where you are but, if this helps, the article on Biopsy from our main site says that in the United States, only about 20% of women who have biopsies turn out to have cancer. We understand you are worried, but there's still hope! Please come back to let us all know how it goes!

Best wishes,

From the Mods

flashlight

DropfootCheeks, Yes, you are making this about you.

windingshores

Birad5 is indeed cause for worry. Your symptoms are intense but may be common. I would contact your doctor and get some Ativan or similar drug, just while you wait. Take walks, watch Netflix, whatever helps. How is your mother doing? If she is also struggling, I hope she can also access help.

Beesie

DFC, if your mother is "very active" and she has been setting up her own appointments and she went by herself for her mammogram and ultrasound, it doesn't sound as though she is either a recluse nor that it will all be on you. Or am I misunderstanding - have you been doing all of that for her and with her? That's not how it sounds from what you described.

With a BIRADs 5, the odds are that she is facing a breast cancer diagnosis, but she won't know that for sure until the biopsy results are in - there is still a small chance that this could be a false alarm. But if she is diagnosed, being in her mid-50s and "very healthy", I would expect that she will want to manage the situation herself. Many if not most of us here are your mother's age or older (many here are in their 60s and 70s), and we've all managed our own diagnoses, with whatever help we've decided we need, which in many cases may be very little. The decisions are your mother's, and the extent of your involvement is entirely up to her. This is her diagnosis, not yours. She is young (yes, mid-50s and healthy is young) and capable (assuming so if she is very active and very healthy).

What your mother doesn't need is to have to worry about you on top of worrying about her diagnosis and surgery and treatment plan. She doesn't need to worry about how you are reacting ("vomiting, shaking, having horrible panic attacks") and she doesn't need to worry about whether you are feeling too put upon or not involved enough. What your mother also doesn't need is to be made to feel worse about her situation. Right now she's probably scared and anxious, and if she is diagnosed with breast cancer, that will be a shock to her system. She doesn't need to sense that you feel like you are "in a horror movie". This is the reality of her life that you are talking about.

I'll second MelissaDallas's suggestion that you post in the Family forum. You need your own support system and advice on how to cope because your feelings are not something that you want to put on your mother. Your job is to support your mother and be involved as she requests.

Another suggestion is that you tell your mother about this site and have her join, so that she can get the support she needs from others who've been in her shoes or are going through the same thing now.

Good luck to your mother. I hope that she's one of the 5% for whom a BIRADs 5 is a false alarm, but if not, I hope that we see her here.

Salamandra

We're in a very stressful time now with all this COVID19 stuff, and it's possible that the general ambient stress has sort of all channeled itself into this worry about your mom.

I agree that you need to take care of yourself now. That is your best chance of being any support to her at all, and of maintaining your mental and emotional health as much as possible.

Many therapists and social workers are offering Telehealth counseling suggestions. It's also possible to have Telehealth for doctors/psychiatrists, who could prescribe something to help if that seems indicated.

If your mom does have cancer, there are any number of paths this could go down. Plenty of them are straightforward and not that scary! But even in a best case scenario, there is a lot of uncertainty, waiting, unknowns. You will need to find a way to live with this for the medium to long haul. Please use any resources available to you to help you with that.

ducky06

Hey Dropfoot,

Waiting is terrible. I think it is one of the worst parts! I know it was when I was most anxious.

I am 33 and I've been through some of what you're afraid of. My mom had cancer (sarcoma) five years ago at age 65, when I was 29. Now I have stage 2 breast cancer at age 33- I am in treatment.

Right now your mom has a lot of good possibilities, even if it is cancer. Like Salamandra said, many breast cancer situations are pretty straightforward. But you will have some uncertainties for a while and you have to figure out what resources you have to adjust to the stress of the uncertainty. I think that is the big thing.

Focus on what you need to do each day, and what you need to do to take care of yourself. Like others said -- going for walks, Netfix, whatever it is for you.For example when my mom was waiting on her diagnosis I had a little morning routine that made me feel better -- I would breathe deeply 10 times, do 10 push-ups and then do a page of coloring. It was a silly little routine but it energized me and helped me out a lot.

I would definitely suggest reaching out to your doctor or other trusted health professional to ask for an anti-anxiety med to get you through the wait. It sounds like you're in the red zone, and you don't need to be. A med can get you back to the "yellow" zone.

Practice deep breathing -- inhale 4 times, hold two seconds, exhale 4 seconds. It works wonders. Look up other mindful breathing techniques. Try to be aware of how you are holding your body.Read as many stories of people who have been cured as possible.

Try to be mindful of the thoughts you're having-- is your mind jumping to the worst? In what way? Don't deny reality, but don't convince yourself that only on the bad possibilities are possible. Always ask yourself if the thoughts you're having are true.

Ask yourself-- what is my problem? is this helping to fix my problem right now? If not what can I do to help instead?

Remember this period will pass and things will get easier! I am sure it doesn't feel like that right now, but remember that every moment.

Steph

DropfootCheeks

thanks everyone for their comment! Any emotions and crying and panicking I’ve been experiencing i have been at home alone. When she called me yesterday, I stayed calmed and reassured her I was in this with her and we will get through it together. I guess what I meant about the recluse thing is that she is really private and has told me she is just going to tell me about this so it felt like she didn’t have a huge support system, which makes me feel sad and a bit overwhelmed. Re reading my post, I can see how it came off a little selfish. I actually feel very positive about it all during the day and I don’t know what happens at night but I get very sad and worried and panicked.

Taking walks and watching movies are helping. I’ll keep everyone updated. Thank you all so much for your replies they definitely helped calm me.

Beesie

Who a patient decides to tell about her diagnosis, and how many people she tells, is very much up to the individual. Some people tell everyone, others tell hardly anyone. Here's the thing. Once you tell someone you have cancer, their attitude towards you changes. That's human nature - and some people (like me, for example) don't want to have to deal with this, don't want to be seen in a different light and don't want our relationships to change.

The other issue is that many patients don't want to tell people, sometimes even immediate family, until they have a diagnosis and a treatment plan. Why worry people at this point? And why set yourself up for questions before you have any of the answers?

Your mother will decide who she tells so that she gets support from the people she wants to get support from. She will make the decision that's right for her.

Salamandra

Beesie is completely right that it's up to your mother to decide who she wants to share the diagnosis with. But you also do get to draw your own boundaries over the extent of emotional support and the role in her support system that you are willing to play.

Relationships with parents can be very complicated. But even someone who overall has a great relationship with a parent may not be in a position to be their sole support.

It's your mother's prerogative to decide whom to share what with. But it's also not on you to be to be her daughter, parent, friend, sister, and therapist, all rolled into one.

Figuring out with your own therapist how much you're able to give will ultimately be more useful to your mother than trying to give everything and then flaming out. They can also help you with the process of establishing those boundaries as kindly as possible.

Night can be a scary time. It plugs into some of our oldest animal instincts. Do what works for you and don't judge yourself for it. Try to keep reminding yourself that even if the fear is real, feelings are not facts. And especially not in the middle of the night!

ducky06

Dropfoot, I also found night to be hard during the initial time of diagnosis and etc. Glad you are finding some relief through walks and movies. I hope you will connect in the Family forum as well. You are not alone and patient and family member are definitely two distinct roles- so you will find good support there as well. Also remind yourself that your mom doesn't have a confirmed diagnosis yet. Focus on what you know for sure in each moment. Thinking of you and wishing the best for you!

DropfootCheeks

I will connect in the family forum as well!! New to this site and didn’t realize. Thank you so so much!