Need some advice from mothers

PMML

My kids are both a mess right now and I need some help with how to help them. Daughter is nearly 15 and son is 13.

They’ve been through hell in the last 15 months.

Firstly, their father broke up our family as he was having an affair. This was completely out of the blue and devastated the three of us. They spent some time with psychologists until he refused to pay for more sessions. His affair partner moved to our country to live with him within six months and the kids now have to live with her every other week.

In November 2019 my mother was diagnosed with BC and had a mastectomy in January. She starts chemo next week.

In February I was diagnosed with BC and I am scheduled for a lumpectomy on Monday. Their father is away on a work trip for three weeks over this time so I’m all they have in terms of support. I have two sisters coming to stay next week after my surgery but they are both struggling too as one’s best friend died suddenly a week ago and the other has always had mental health issues and deals with them by cutting! Both (and our third sister) are freaked out that their matriarch (me) is unwell.

They go to an intense private school so taking time off really just adds to the stress because then they have to catch up. Neither is willing to go back to their psychologists. I’m fairly certain my daughter is developing an eating disorder to top things off and is really full of self-hate.

What can a mother do to help her kids through this latest hurdle? We have two school/work days left of this week to survive and then will spend the weekend in our pajamas

SummerAngel

If your daughter is struggling with her mental health I would suggest NOT having the sister who cuts come and stay. Can you prevent it? Why do they need to take time off from school? Would your kids be willing to see a different therapist? My younger daughter struggles and has had a few different therapists over the years. She's had some good and some bad, and therapists differ a lot. My husband was abusive to me and eventually divorced me to marry the woman he had an affair with. He rarely spent time with them, and so my kids missed out. However, I believe that the fact that I just "put my big girl panties on" and raised them myself without bad-mouthing their dad helped. I also believe that my calm demeanor when I was diagnosed helped my kids not worry too much about me. Kids take on what they see. Do everything you can to be calm and strong around them.

moth

I'm sorry things are so rough for you. You have been through a lot in the past <1.5 yrs. I'd suggest the following:

-contact your cancer center and see what they have. Mine has free counselling for pts and family members and has counsellor facilitated support groups for children

-I would make going to see therapists non negotiable. It's just not. Doesn't have to be the ones they saw before, could be someone new but they have to go. I'd mama bear this hard and put my foot down & drag them if I have to. The eating disorder stuff has to be addressed quickly too. Your family dr might have ideas about resources in your community for this. If you have a children's hospital nearby, their psych units usually have outpatient (& inpatient if necessary) treatment for this as well.

-YOU need to see a counsellor too. from my perspective, this is also non negotiable. You need to go.

-get a letter from your dr for your kids & talk to your kids' school. It doesn't matter how rigorous or prestigious the school, accommodations can be arranged, prior credit can be given, marks can be given based on work done up to date etc. Tell them things are bad and the kids need a bit of slack. They may not want to stop going - the routine might be good, but be sure the school knows that their work will not be up to standard or that they will need to take time off and that there is a good reason for it & they are not to be penalized for it. Play that cancer card now (& any other time you need to...)

best wishes

Cricketdog

I went through a similar path as you. Have you looked for a trauma specialist for the kiddos? I'd suggest calling the family court in your area and asking a judge to recommend a good therapist that testifies in family court. I've found they're the ones who have the most impact on the kiddos. They understand nasty divorces and the trauma it has on kids. My 11 year old has been acting up through my treatment and started seeing her old therapist again. What does your decree say about medical bills? Does the ex have to approve therapy before he pays for it? Perhaps it's worth going back to court if he refuses to approve??

Hoping you get some relief soon. Big hugs!!

edj3

+ a million to everything moth and cricketdog posted.

Also keep visiting us, we're here for you and it's a no judgment zone. For real.

smc123

My kids match your kids’ ages when I was diagnosed four years ago. My kids also attended private schools. I contacted the headmasters at each of my kids’ schools to make them aware of my diagnosis and they could not have been more supportive. Also, I felt like my attitude set the tone for the house. To this day my daughter says that I treated cancer as just an inconvenience..which I was relieved to hear from her. I felt like we all survived a difficult year pretty much unscathed. Though, I did not have the burden of a divorce adding additional stress but as a child of divorced parents and I would advise don’t say anything bad about your ex. My mother hated my father and because of her anger and bitterness she made all of our lives so stressful and my siblings and I ended up resenting her. Hang in there...take one day at a time...you will get through this.

Moderators

We're all here for you, and as edj3 said, no judgement zone!

Just want to chime in to also say we really agree with all that the others have said. School is good for the kids, and they may be quite helpful with their resources (guidance counselor, school psychologist). Given all they are going through now, seeing someone (in our out of the school setting) should indeed be a "must". Also, reaching out to people who specialize in eating disorders to nip this in the bud, if possible.

Keep us posted

PMML

Thank you all for your replies.

I have talked to the school and its not a problem if they have some time off but the kids are worried about falling behind. The school have said they will be accommodating but the reality is that they need to stay on top of the work if they're going to do well and not doing well would devastate my daughter! The boy is also concerned that his father will be angry if he doesn't do well as he's already complained about the fees if they're not succeeding. This week I've picked up my daughter for one afternoon, both for one afternoon and my son after one period today. Its wearing on me too since its a 45 minute drive each way but if they aren't feeling well physically or mentally then I'll go get them and bring them home! Now if their damned father hadn't buggered off overseas this week, he could have picked them up and then just put them on the bus in the afternoon but that thought never crossed his mind!

I will talk to them both again about talking to someone. I think they need it - I don't think they had enough sessions last time and things have changed a whole lot since then! Husband won't care as long as he's not paying for it!

My "cutting" sister has also suffered body dismorphia and been both bulimic and anorexic so I'd quite like her to watch my daughter for a few days and tell me if she thinks its getting out of control. She doesn't cut where anyone can see so they wouldn't know if she's been doing it so I'm not too worried about them getting that idea.