Philosophy

pajim

There are a fair number of ladies struggling right now (raising my hand), including some newly diagnosed.

This may be a bit presumptuous, but I am woman hear me roar, and I thought I would share the two adages I'm currently living by, Hoping others of you will share the things that are getting you through the day. . .

(1) You can only do the best you can do. [This is courtesy of my boss and somehow hit me right in the core]

(2) You can only go forward, you can't go back. [courtesy of my Dad, who never actually said this but lived it]

BevJen

Pajim and all,

My favorite aunt had breast cancer when she was 72. Her best friend made her a needlepoint that said "One Day At a Time." When my aunt was getting older and shedding her possessions, she gave it to me and it hangs on my wall.

Not a bad mantra, either.

Tina2

Music is healing.

Tina2

Sorry. I tried to upload a piece of music and failed.

Tina

exbrnxgrl

Both of those are good ones, pajim. I have had it easy compared to many, but it’s still not easy. We have this crappy, almost certainly, fataldisease yet we should not be tempted to put one foot in the grave from the moment we’re dx’ed. I figure I will just keep living until I can’t. It could happen next week, next year or beyond. Until then I try to live my life looking forward. I just want to be able to feel that it’s been a good and fulfilled life.

DivineMrsM

There are different philosophies I’ve lived by at different times of my life.

At this phase I’m in, one perspective I live by is “Become more aware of what’s really worth your energy.”

What’s worth my energy changes sometimes overnight living with mbc.

JodyJ

"Let each day hold something of importance for you." A 94-year-old aunt held my hand and said this to me many decades ago. I loved this arrangement of words because they suggested that life's richness was individual -- that each day holds things of value specifically for us, and that we should pay attention to them.

Divine's perspective sharpens this idea for me so that it's more useful in the moment.

Thanks to pajim for starting this thread, and to everyone on these forums for teaching me how to live with this diagnosis.

Anonymous

'No regrets' - this one has served me well. You cannot know what the future holds, but you can do your darndest today to make the day count. I can think of many things I have done in just the last three years I am SO glad I didn't put off 'for another time'. For some of them that are more active those days are probably gone. Im thankful I did them when I could, and now there are other things to try and achieve.

The other one, similar to MsM's - 'does this bring me joy?' My job and current place of residence are NOT bringing me joy and havent for a while now. So we are making steps to change that. Its going to be a pain in the short term but I have some time to deal with it and on the other side will be a more enhanced existence.

pajim

I've been trying to adopt MrsM's approach lately. Is it worth doing? Harder than I expected but I'm not doing too badly at it. I haven't said no enough times but I'm working on it.

finallyoverit

Great idea for a thread, Pajim. Although, I’m not sure I really have any great pearls of wisdom. I’m currently in the hole; I’ll find my way out of it but right now I’m just in a “I don’t want to deal with this” funk.

But in my good weeks, I keep to a “I’m living my life and stage iv is just going to have to come along with me” mantra. Being pretty stubborn helps too. It’s what powered me through this crap the first time and it’s what normally has been getting me through this time as well. As we all know, stage iv is its own animal... but it does work for me on most days. I don’t know how much time I have left, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it control every single day I have left. I’m hoping I have another 20/30 years.. but who knows. I just don’t want to ever look back and regret giving this damn disease any more than absolutely necessary

DivineMrsM

I love the shared philosophies on this thread. I leaned on “You can only do the best you can do" yesterday when I started mentally beating myself up over something I thought maybe I should have done better.

“Let each day hold something of importance to you." I love the focus of that.

“Living my life and stage iv is just gonna have to come along." This keeps it in perspective.

Being more aware of what's worth my energy is ongoing. I recently realized I'd been putting up with some bad behaviors of my siblings for too long and made a shift in my thinking. I visualized cutting the strings that tied me to them and released them in my mind. If they truly need me, I’ll be there for them, but in truth, they’re not my responsibility. It’s a freeing thought.

candy-678

Something came to my mind last night as I was going to bed.

I need to learn that dying is a normal part of life.

My dad is 93 years old- will be 94 in 2 months. He could die at any time. But at most, he has 6 years till he turns 100. What if I have 6 years left. I have organ mets and 2.5 years in so far. The stats don't look real good for a long life with MBC with organ mets.

I got scared. We could lose dad AND me in the next few years. 2 family members out of the 5--parents and siblings.

So I thought, I need to re examine how I am looking at death. I need to stop fearing it. No, not embrace it. I am still going to fight the cancer. But I need to come to terms with death. Everyone will die at some point. It is natural.

I am not there yet. But, at least, I came to this realization. Now, how do I really face this?

DivineMrsM

candy, facing death, coming to terms with it, is a process. I've had a few more years than you to come to terms with it. On many levels I have, or at least more so than when I first got the mbc diagnosis. I casually seek insight into this subject and find certain books give some insight, ones written by people who faced terminal illness. For me, it is most helpful to read of others who are really in similar trenches as me.

“When Breath Becomes Air" written by a young neurosurgeon

“Everything Happens For A Reason and Other Lies I've Loved"

“The Unwinding of a Miracle" which I found to be a masterpiece of writng on this subject.

These authors' books, their words, their experiences, all helped me with my thoughts about death. They’re all written so beautifully in their own way that rather than be depressing, they are inspiring.

Interestingly enough, I'm now reading “Cured: The Life Changing Science of Spontaneous Healing" and even with that title, it still carries the message that death is a normal process of life. It's a great book that I also recommend.

finallyoverit

For those who are religious and/or believe in heaven after death, the book “Imagine Heaven” by John Burke is phenomenal. I’ve read it several times and pull something new out of it each time.

I don’t fear death, but that’s not to say I want to experience it for another 30/40 years, if not longer

candy-678

Divine and finallyoverit- I will look up those books to read. I lost my mom 7 years ago--heart failure. She was 80. And I lost a grandmother when I was 12 years old. I have not lost any other close family members. Yes, I have known friends that have died, but not family except for those 2.

I am a Christian and I know I am Heaven Bound. But even being a Christian, sometimes I question my faith. What if there is no Heaven, no afterlife. I think we all have those lapses in faith sometimes. It would be so much easier if a loved one, my mom for example, could talk to me from the other side and say "Candy, Heaven is real. I am waiting for you. You will love it here". But that is where faith comes into play.

I am going to try to work on my fear of death.

finallyoverit

@Candy.. definitely check out “Imagine Heaven”. After reading your post above, I have no doubt it will speak to you

Anonymous

My philosophy at the moment that I'm embracing and trying to put into practice as best I can is this. "Do the best I can, with what I can, how I can". Some days I have little umph, so I do the best I can with that day and try to take it in stride. If it means doing absolutely nothing that day. I do absolutely nothing. If it means pushing myself to do things I love even if it hurts or I'll pay for it later, I do that. The simple act of accomplishing a goal or a task I set my mind to does wonders for moral. In the earlier days of diagnosis for me, I couldn't settle long enough in my mind to even have a philosophy, now that i've had time to marinate a bit, I can take more perspective, even if its still cloudy because I'm still a relative newbie in this almost 10 months in (I cannot believe it will be 1 year in May).

LoveFromPhilly

thank you so much pjalm for this timely thread!

I’m in a state right this moment, so reading this and what folks have shared has brought some calmness into my heart ❤️

I think that there have been a few philosophical thoughts or mantras that have been helping me along.

1) don’t sweat the small stuff.

2) let go of guilt, does nothing to serve us.

3) be here now.

4) relax. breathe. inhale. exhale.

Love,

Philly

sbaaronson

Exbrnxgirl,

I am with you. Gonna keep going until I can't go anymore. I am just hoping I can stay relatively well for as long as possible...

Heidihill

The Marie Kondo philosophy "if it doesn't spark joy," toss it, don't do it, forget it, save your energy. I do prescribe to this sort of minimalism. Also I like thinking one step or goal at a time adds up. An ex-(world class) athlete told me this and I said why not, worth a shot. Goals like do not panic until you see the doctor or increase your exercise from 20 to 30 minutes this month to help clear your mind.

vlnrph

'Make the best decision you can with the information you have at that point in time' along with the always popular “Knowledge Is Power”:

Prevents one from second guessing and also encourages action. Being frozen in fear of doing the wrong thing is never helpful. Not to decide IS to decide!

Moving forward is the goal. Perhaps the route takes a zigzag, for example, when you learn that you can't tolerate a chosen therapy but at least you tried. In the era of COVID-19 we may be forced to reconsider options which would not be our first choice under different circumstances. I hope for everyone to achieve their most optimal health status, mental and physical, throughout this crisis and beyond.

SchnauzerMom

I have been hesitant to post this, but decided that since this quotation has been sustaining for me for many years, I will share it.

Backstory: many years ago my husband and I had very premature quadruplets--two girls and two boys . One of our sons died, and several weeks later our other son was diagnosed with blindness (subsequently with severe autism). Girls were healthy. I'd been an English teacher with a fondness for Milton, and I recalled a line from one of his poems. It became sustenance for me through difficult times, although sometimes I did argue, and sometimes my"bearing up" was feeble.

Here it is: [from John Milton's "To Cyriack Skinner"]

Yet I argue not against Heaven's hand or will,

Nor bate a jot of heart or hope,

But still bear uo and steer right onward.