Feel like the worst is over?

nneaga

Hello everyone,

Feeling like I’m a bit weird in how I’m feeling about all of what is going on and not sure where to even start, so I will start at the beginning. I’m 38 years old, I have 3 kids 16, 13, and 4. I’m 2010 I found “lumps” in my breasts, they were tender and there were a lot of them, I was sent for ultrasound and mammogram, then once my doctor got those results was sent to the breast center for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Ended up being cysts and nothing of concern. Life continued as normal.

July 2019 I lost my Dad and the world fell apart. Still haven’t fully processed this loss.

November 2019 I found a lump in my breast that was nothing like the lumps I’ve had before, I found it accidentally in the shower. It is hard and if I hadn’t touched it with my hand would have not even known it was there, it’s not painful at all and doesn’t move around like my previous soft ones did. I figured I had a dr appointment later in the month and nothing to worry about, will talk to him then. Appointment comes and I was the smart mom that booked the 3 kids in for appointments the same day as me, so when it came time for my turn he was running late and I had to get home to change and get to work as I couldn’t get out the entire day, didn’t mention anything to him and rescheduled my appointment for the 2nd week of December. That appointment comes and I have my regular physical done, and then mention the lump. He asks me to show him (a breast exam was not a part of my regular physical, apparently they’ve changed that which I find ridiculous). He feels it and said it is definitely there and not like my previous ones, ultrasound and mammogram here we come...but first I am going to get through Christmas and go on vacation. I put off my appointments because the entire family was going on a trip with my Mom that my Dad was supposed to be going on with her, and I didn’t want anything else to deal with on top of all of our grief. We got back and on January 16 I went for my testing, the person doing it was not great at hiding concern and kept making sure I was going to contact my dr, no need, he called me 2 hours after the imaging was done and wanted me to come in. January 17 I saw him and he said that he expected this, that we knew it was different and concerning (I also should add I do have discharge from that nipple as well, not bloody). He booked me at the breast cancer center for diagnostic Mamo And ultrasound and told me they would want to biopsy. I went fully expecting them to tell me everything is normal. They didn’t and scheduled me for us guided core biopsy January 29. The biopsy I was terrified for, the procedure itself. Now that it is done (and wasn’t painful), I feel numb..like whatever else gets thrown at me doesn’t matter. Again yesterday the radiologist saying she’s concerned, and I’m calm, which makes me feel like an alien when everyone else is so concerned. I just figure I can’t change anything at this point, it is what it is...am I alone in this feeling? Is it because I am so consumed with grief? My mom, husband, and two best friends have been there for me since I told them after my first imaging came back concerning, and they think I’m just in shock, I really don’t feel that way though. Anyone else just glad the biopsy is over and whatever else comes feels they can handle it?
(apologies for this being so long

Ingerp

There have been similar threads over the years. Probability is that even if it is something, it's treatable. You sound very rational to me.

Spookiesmom

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 91, it’s a hard one to heal from. But the strange thing is, in 2012, I felt like my dad was kicking me in the butt to go get my breast checked. I finally did, and went on the whole treatment ride. I kept feeling he was watching over me. The second time around last year, same thing. Now at stage 4, I’m ok as I’m going to get. He apparently knows this, and has backed off.

I am not a religious person, just daddy’s little girl forever.

As for the treatment, you can do it. Yes, it could be shock. Some ladies say it’s PTSD. Keep your MO informed how you are feeling. S/he has heard it all, and can help. Every month I’m asked if I’m depressed or anxious. Or anything else going on.

thisiknow

nneaga ... I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. That's a tough one for sure. [[[Hugs]]]

Like they say around here a lot, you'll start to feel much better when you get a treatment plan, assuming that is needed. And it's true, once all your new docs have you traveling in all directions for this and that, you'll actually feel more grounded. But at first it's a little scary, which is normal. Please keep us posted about what's going on! And God bless!

keepthefaith

It's hard to say why you feel or don't feel the way you do! Since you really don't know one way or the other, good for you, for handling it in such a practical way. Best wishes for benign results!:))

HeartShapedBox

nneaga- While I don't think it's unhealthy to feel calm at this point and feel like "whatever happens, happens, I can't change it", I think there is more than that going on for you. I do think that you may be in shock, perhaps some denial?, and I think I think still deeply in the throes of grief from losing your father.

What i hear you saying is that you had legitimate concerns about cancer months ago, and experts along the way were also concerned, but you made the choice to delay and kept putting yourself on the back burner, and making excuses for why everyone else's needs were more important than you getting screened and having your answer. Being in a state of grief and shock already could absolutely create a situation where you kind of pushed the possibility of a cancer diagnosis away from yourself, because it would be too much to bear on top of everything else.

I get the impression that (like many women) you are the glue in your family that holds everything together, and it may be hard for you to even imagine a scenario in which you're not the " strong one" and need others to help take care of you?

I hope that all the concerns are for nothing, and that this is NOT cancer. But if it is, please please seek out support from a therapist, counselor, cancer center social worker etc who can be someone for YOU to lean on. Like the saying goes, "put on your own mask first".

Yogatyme

I felt the same as you from dx through surgery. I think it was shock and I felt as though I was in suspended animation. Dissociation is a common response to trauma and a bc dx is definitely a trauma. However, once you get through the initial part of the treatment plan you will likely feel differently. You have come to the right place. Let us know what you learn. Sending comfort hugs!

ctmbsikia

I think everyone goes through a roller coaster of emotions. Especially while going through a grieving process. When my father suddenly died I took FMLA from work to stay and care for my sick mother. Did that for several months, and later that year we placed her in a facility---I was grateful to go back to somewhat normal but still had lots of guilt. Then she died. Later that year, my mother law went delusional, so my husband and I helped her and her sick spouse out for another year, I don't know year and a half. I was relieved to then get BC and get out of caregiving!!!!! Stopped all the running around,and trying to coordinate care with a bunch of dysfunctional in laws and step families.

So-no, you're not weird. I hope all turns out OK for you. The emotions come when they come and you don't have to justify them to anyone. Their yours. You process them on your own time, sometimes it takes years.

nneaga

Thank you all for making me feel like I’m not a weirdo and alone! ❤️ I will post as soon as I have my results, I have an appointment already booked for a week today to get them, my dr said he will call if he has them sooner. Thank you again!

nneaga

You 100% hit the nail on the head...I am the person that holds everyone together and plans everything for everyone...I am the “strong” one. My dads passing was sudden and unexpected, and I did all the planning and taking care of everyone and being the rock...I definitely put it off so I didn’t have another thing on my plate, and I wouldn’t have to burden anyone else with anymore than they can handle. I am not one to ask for help so the thought of possibly needing help is tough. Thank you.

AliceBastable

I never got emotional during any of my C-ventures. I'd hear the diagnosis, and my reaction was "Let's do what has to be done." The most I felt was annoyance. I had lost my mother six months earlier, but my feelings about her passing had nothing to do with how I felt about having cancer.