Stage 3 feels like limbo at times

tangandchris

I have often felt like it's just a matter of time, not if just when it comes back. I play this game in my head, thinking that I will be better prepared the next time I get those dreaded results. I know it's a little crazy, but it makes sense in my head. The sick part is when I have my appointment with BS or MO coming up and I start thinking that if I can just hear those words and get it over with, then this waiting game will stop.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone. I feel like I'm a bad person for these thoughts. It isn't as often these days, but it still creeps in.

I see BS Wed, I feel a couple of lumps under my non cancer arm. I wonder if this time it happens?

Flo80

I understand this feeling. I guess this whole cancer thing takes so much from us. Please get the lumps on non cancer side checked if there are any

Annabelle2

Tang, you're not alone. I said to my husband not 2 days ago:

Being stage 3C feels like I'm standing on the edge of a giant cliff with huge rocks and the ocean below. I can't take a step backwards, but I can't take a step forwards either. I'm just teetering here on the edge, scared to death all the time. Worse maybe, while I'm standing here teetering on the edge, I can'teven say a word or move a muscle because it will make everyone around me uncomfortable. You know, all those people who wonder why I'm still talking about this. Why I'm not "over it" yet. Why I can't be more "joyful".

I've had horrible pain since my Lx (they say it's scar tissue and completely normal), my anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, I haven't felt good since September, I'm scared to death. I can completely understand how you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like let's just get it over with, then at least I'll know what I'm dealing with.

Sending you big hugs

Kamboka

tangandchris: How did your appointment go? I hope it was nothing to worry about. I do completely understand what you are feeling. There are days I don't but too many days, I do think about it.

Francesca30

Hi Anabelle2,

That’s exactly how I feel 😩 Finished active treatment last September 27, my hair is growing back and yet I’m filled with fear . Waiting for that day when I can go through one day without BC crossing my mind .

Homemadesalsa

I understand your fears but please, go out and live strong, live fully. Life is short enough as it is, something is going to kill every one of us. For us, BC just.moved up on the list.

Lexica

Hugs tangandchris. I feel ya. Everyone goes about as if things are normal when we don't feel that at all. We have a chance though, that it won't come back. It may be a small one, but I hang on to that with everything I have.

Annabelle2

Salsa, I'm asking you this from a place of desperation: How do you go about doing that? It'll be 2 years in a couple weeks, and I am completely paralyzed. I'm alone, I'm afraid, found out who my real friends were when I got cancer (that would be a list of 0 people long). I wake up, I go to work, I cry all day, I come home, I drink, I cry, I go to bed, I wake up crying from my nightmares. I've asked for professional help numerous times and I can't seem to find anyone who will listen. I'm really not being snarky......I just don't know to go about living life fully when I can't move beyond Friday February 2, 2018.

hapa

Annabelle - I had to go to three therapists before I found one that even thought she might be able to help me; the other two told me it would "just take time". Granted, I was not in that bad of shape, but it definitely seemed like my emotional recovery had plateaued. My therapist diagnosed me with general anxiety and taught me things I could do to bring my baseline anxiety level down. I went for, I don't know, maybe six or eight sessions before we found something that seemed to help. At that point I just had to keep working on it myself, so she released me from care but I can follow up whenever I think I need it. So I would recommend continuing to try different therapists, maybe if you can find someone with experience in cancer that would help. The other things I would recommend is quitting drinking, and exercising outdoors.

And like homemadesalsa said, we are all going to die of something. It might be BC, it might be something else, there is no escaping it. I think accepting that death is inevitable is step 1 for moving on. Nothing has really changed since before I got cancer. I was chugging along in life until something stopped me, and that's what I'm doing again. If another roadblock gets thrown up, hopefully I can get around it again. Eventually the road will end and I don't know how or when that will happen; this is not new since I got BC, it has always been the case. The only difference is the amount of time I spend thinking about it.

Homemadesalsa

Hi Annabelle- hapa nailed it, find a good therapist, start an exercise routine, do something to step outside yourself. Personally my savior has always been going outside, with people and especially my dog.

One of Wendell Berry's poems helps too

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.

I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.

For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free

MinusTwo

Salsa - I had forgotten about this poem and it's really great. Thanks for posting.

tangandchris

Hi ladies❤

My dr visit resulted in a sonogram that showed nothing to be worried about. Whew!!

I will write more when I'm not so sleepy.

karen1956

Tanga - glad you got good news. The farther out from Dx, I think it is easier to NOT go down the dark rabbit hole with every ache and pain. At least for me. Today is 14 years (5110 days) since I heard those dreaded words.

mpv459

I have had a day of desperation but reading your posts helps me not feel so all alone. I have great days, weeks,even months and them boom...back down the rabbit hole and I can find my way out. I had zometa yesterday and I am wondering if that along with my hormone blocker create depression... I just need to keep moving on, glad to be done with active treatment, need to find my way back into the world. Love to you all.

MinusTwo

mvp - when was your diagnosis? If you go to My Profile and post your diagnosis and treatment to date it makes it easier for us to cheer you on. Hope your doc is on top of the depression.

mpv459

My technical skills suck. I am 3C with an 8cm tumor (clear margins) and 14 out of 31 nodes..I had a smx April 1 will auxilliary dissection. Tons of physical therapy but no lymphodema (so far). Started chemo AC/T 16 rounds while cold capping, radiation in November, ending in Decmber, Pet Scan Clear( praise the Lord) Have had 2 infusions of zometa and a month of anistalone. Having a scary sad day today for no real reason..ever do that??

MinusTwo

Oh yes - even 5 years post treatment I will sometimes encounter a wave of sadness and tear up for no reason that I can determine. Hope the rest of your treatment goes well. Do ask for a prescription if the depression is overwhelming.

godisone

When i had similar feelings creeping in, i met a psycologist who told me that when someone fears their life for an ailment or a situation/condition,t hey fear it for life. Remember how accustomed of fear is one who has burned his hand with fire to go anywhere near the fire again. Its like our body reflex telling us that we might die if we attempt to perform this task or be in that situation again. Thinking about the things that scare us make us think more until we cannot think anymore and fill us with more uncertainilty and fear.

The best way to tackle this situation is to keep your mind constructively occupied. In short, be busy. Develop a hobby, start working again or whatever suits you but keep your mind preoccupied so that no fear can crawl in.

mpv459

Thank you Ladies... Very good advice.