Parents of adult children with Stage 4 Breast Cancer

GoombaB1952

my almost 35 year old daughter was recently diagnosed and is still in the testing phase. She has good insurance and a gods job and is being treated at a major research hospital cancer center. I have had breast cancer twice —first at age 39, and again at age 53. I later developed peritoneal cancer (age63) bladder cancer (65) and recurrence of peritoneal (age 66). In other words, I’ve been through a slew of things, but I’m still here. And, yes I have a BRCA2 mutation which this daughter likely has inherited. She did not get tested until she was diagnosed about two months ago.

I am seeking a support community of parents of our now suffering children. How to best help them cope, and how to handle our own feelings of guilt, anger, and grief.

if there are others in the community, please speak up and talk to me.

Thanks so much

Moderators

Dear Goomba,

Welcome to the BCO community. We are so very sorry for all that you have been through with respect to your own cancer history and now for your daughter's diagnosis. You may want to check out the Caregivers Forum as you may find some others supporting adult children there.You may read through some topics and find someone with whom you can correspond via private message or through the discussion boards. In that she is being treated at a cancer center there may also be caregiver support groups there or you can search through support resources on our main site. Here is a link to an organization that focuses on Mothers Supporting Daughters. Let us know how we can be of assistance to you.

The Mods

thisiknow

GoombaB1952 ...wow, you have been thru the mill. And now I'm sure it's even harder to watch your daughter start all this. But you are living proof that they've come a long way in treating BC and each year brings even more hope. I'm sure you deserve credit too for caring so well for yourself. And now you can help your daughter.

Do keep us posted on your daughter's condition and God bless!

Gudrun

Dear Goomba, I'm so very sorry for you and your daughter. I know this desperate feeling of guilt and anxiety when your daughter gets dxed but hesitated to answer bc we had been more lucky so far, so I doubt I will be of much help.

I felt most challenging to console your child while being heartbroken and unconsolable yourself, which doesn't go without provoking feelings of guilt ... ... finding ways to escape the vicious circle...

If there is a plus side of all this, it's that you are knowledgeable since you've been through so much already, and it's the constant medical advances and breakthroughs that give hope, not to mention your daughter's good health insurance.

I hope I didn't hurt any of your feelings and hope other parents in similar situations will come here and talk to you.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, Gudrun.

pajim

Oh, wow, I'm so sorry. In my family it's been the opposite.

My Mom had a lumpectomy and radiation almost 20 years ago. Then 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and did the works. Then 7 years ago mets, I'm sorry to say.

Mom had a recurrence a few years back and had to have a mastectomy. I had plenty of advice -- and it turned out just the same as mine. Out of the hospital the next morning -- let's have lunch with the ladies! (You go Mom!!) Last year she found some soft tissue lumps and is now on Ibrance. I feel badly for her but I doubt she'll die from her cancer.

I have no idea of the fear she must have that she will outlive me. Which she will. It's a horrible thing to watch something bad happen to your children. I really feel for you.

We discuss things dispassionately. I keep her updated as to what is going on so she doesn't feel left out (scans and the like) but otherwise we both live our lives as if we don't have cancer. It's possible she vents to her friends. Or not. I've never asked.

Many hugs to you and your daughter.

Birchbark26

I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. My 32 year old daughter was diagnosed stage IV de novo. I’ve posted here about a year ago asking if there were other parents whose adult children were diagnosed. I hope you and I are able to communicate and support one another. I wish you and your daughter the bes

Anonymous

Could I ask you ladies for your advice on how to break the Stage IV news? My mom knows its cancer (I have a sister who is 11 years younger and needed to know) but well, I never informed her what stage it was at because she was upset when I told her after the biopsy but before the scans. I just couldn't hear that again and then it was the holidays so I've put it off. Her mother died a pretty awful death from MS complications at my age (42), then her father of melanoma in his early 50s. No one has had breast cancer or even a scare of it on either side.

I can't do this in person, it has to be on the phone/Skype. I don't want her to worry but she will anyway, and im concerned she will google for information or tell my aunt who will scare everyone by googling for information or, worse, asking her sister in law about cancer treatments. Are there any good phrases to use? Any ways you would have preferred it to have been shared? Or when? I was thinking about bringing it up after my next set of scans in March.

Birchbark26

SondraF,

I’m sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best. I told my daughter, who has stage IV breast cancer that it is not curable but can be managed. Which is true. I applaud you keeping certain details from your mom and especially distant relatives. We had a bad experience with breaking our news, but that is another story. I hope you breaking the news to your mom goes well. The last thing you need is to feel like you must give comfort to someone else while trying to hold on to your strength.