Wish I wasn't so depressed.

Laurencl

redhead403

You have every right to be overwhelmed. This is all overwhelming! And....just crappy! You will be able to do it. Allow yourself the rough moments and keep moving.

SeattleSunshine

Redhead, I like your analogy to the weather! I am 7 months out since dx, finished my major tx, 2 months into Arimidex. I am working part time but I am also depressed. I am wondering if this post treatment blues is normal? I am wondering if the Arimidex is an issue (I am determined to go the distance in taking it). Anyway, your perspective is helpful! Thanks!

jenni0102

I came here today because I am at a point of not knowing what to do anymore and I need to vent. Although I hate to see so many of you struggling like me, it is a little comforting to see I am not the only one to feel the way that I am feeling. I was diagnosed in May 2019, surgery in June and then did 33 radiation treatments. My oncologist wanted me to do chemo as well, but I refused it for many different reasons. Some days that decision makes me feel worried that it was the wrong decision. Just about everyday it makes me feel like I did not earn my right to be depressed and upset about having cancer because I did not go through what so many others have gone through with the agony of chemo. Was it all because I was a coward??? I ask myself that a lot. Anyway, I am now on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years.

Like a lot of you, I feel like I am no longer the person I was before my diagnosis. For one thing, I hurt everyday. My collarbone, my shoulder, my armpit and my breast hurt every single day. Some days some areas are excruciating and other days it is not too bad, but it is there every day. I am not sure if it is from the lumpectomy or from the radiation treatments. Either way, I am 42 and it makes me feel 82 to be in pain all of the time. Secondly, after my lumpectomy, my breast is smaller and higher than the other. Although, I have a plan with my plastic surgeon to fix that once "the radiation stops working" and I can come up with the money for the insurance deductible (couldn't get it in before the new year started, of course), it makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious. My friend at work tells me it is not noticeable and my husband says the same, but I know that it is. I can see it. What are these people supposed to say to me? "Yeah, that looks fucked up!" No, of course they are not going to say that, so they just say the nice thing. I can't blame them. I would do the same. Third, I no longer feel attractive. I gained about 15-20 pounds since all of this started. Maybe due to depression, surgery, Tamoxifen or all of the above. Who knows? I started trying to tackle that issue at the beginning of January and the progress is going much slower than it ever has for me in the past. I am so frustrated with my overall appearance right now. I am watching what I eat and working out4-5 times a week and it is still such a slow progress!

And then my main problem-my mental health! I have not once through this whole experience had any positive thoughts. A lot of the time, you hear people say things like, "I was lucky we caught it so early", " I am going to kick cancer's butt!", etc. I have to be honest, I have never felt "lucky" and I have never felt positive about any of my journey. I have, however, felt anger, sadness, fear, anxiousness, stress, and jealousy to the point of feeling like those feelings are going to eat me alive. I am so mad that I have had to deal with any of this. I feel sad because no matter how I try to explain it to my husband, he will never get it. I am terrified that it will come back. I do not want to go through the whole process again, but I have the feeling like it is inevitable that it will. It seems like all I hear about is breast cancer coming back after someone thought they beat it and it keeps coming back until it finally comes back as MBC. I cannot sleep most of the time because it makes me so anxious and stressed. We maxed out our credit card last year paying my insurance deductible and out of pocket expenses. What will I do if it comes back? How will I pay for another round of this? I make to much money to get any kind of assistance, so what will I do? What if it comes back as MBC? How would I tell me kids that it came back? These are all questions that keep me up at night. Every night. I cannot remember the last day that I did not think about this horrible thing. I am so jealous of other people not dealing with this sometimes. Not that I want them to have cancer. I just don't want it either.

I am so depressed and sad and I do not know how to shake it. My mood is causing problems in my marriage but I do not know how to change it. This is not the person I was a year ago. I just want to get back to that person but I do not know how and I do not know if that is even possible at this point.

I go for my first mammogram since this diagnosis in 16 days. I am absolutely terrified. I do not want to go. Ignorance is bliss??? I know that is not the smartest way to view this, but it is honestly how I feel. I know I am going to check into a support group and counseling, but for now I just wanted to voice my feelings to others who understand and will not judge me for the way I feel. Thank you all for listening!

Laurencl

jenni0102

Yes, to all of it! I was diagnosed 1/19. Chemo 3-7/19. Mastectomy 8/19. Radiation 10-11/19. Now on anastrozole. Did have my first post surgery mammogram and I did get flagged (WTF!), I'm fine (but went through 3 more weeks of WTF). All my Docs claimed that the new technology gives a lot of false positives (...great) All I can say to every paragraph you wrote was ....YES! All the same worries! Not a positive thought on the “journey “.

I love when you said “That looks fucked up", I feel that way everyday when I put the “knitted knocker" in my bra. My husband and daughter say I look the same...huh ....not really. Imsupposed to have reconstruction in the spring, which just sounds awful. I try to keep my mood to myself, but I miss the old me. It just feels like I will never get past all this and back to normal.

I'm right there with you...

jenni0102

Lauren

Thank you so much for your response! Although I hate that you are feeling the same way as me, I must admit it is nice to hear from someone who feels that same way.I feel like people who are not going through this judge me for my negativity sometimes and they have the attitude that I should just feel lucky to be alive. While I am aware of the fact that many people die every year from this horrid disease and they would have given anything to beat it and still be living, I cannot help that I feel the way that I do and "lucky" has never been one of those feelings. I hope to get to that place one day, but right now I feel like I just live 3 months at a time, from appointment to appointment. I just hate it!

I am so sorry you had to go through weeks of a false positive following your mammogram! That must have been so scary and traumatic! I am so scared to go for mine! The appointment card that they sent me in the mail said that they will have a technician that can read the results there the day of to prevent unnecessary waiting, worry and anxiety. Is that how yours was? I feel like I have PTSD from my diagnosis and I do not know what I will do if I hear those words "It's cancer" again! UGH!

keepthefaith

jenn, lauren, I'm sorry you are struggling. I had a lot of those same feelings for a while. My MO must have recognized it at one appt, bc she asked me if I felt depressed. I think it's a great idea to seek counseling and maybe go to a support group. The American cancer Society has resources also. I think it took me about a yr and a half after treatment to finally feel like the dark cloud had lifted. Don't beat yourself up. It's not an easy road. It can cause PTSD. As far as your up-coming appts, take someone with you if you need to. You don't have to be brave, just show up. It's good that you recognize and acknowledge how you are feeling. I journalled a lot, took long walks and spent time with people who make me happy. You are not alone. You can do this.Take one day at a time.You will have to go through it to get to the other side. Best wishes and hugs:).

Peregrinelady

Good advice from keepthefaith. I will just add that Tamoxifen can affect your mood. I went to counseling and started taking magnesium and vitamin D that helped quite a bit.
Jenni, did you have an Oncotype test done to help you decide about chemo?

jenni0102

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice, keepthefaith! It is nice to hear that someone else has been where I am currently and began to feel better!

Peregrinelady-Yes I did and the results showed 17% chance of recurrence with chemo and 27% chance without. I gave it a lot of thought and for me, the pros did not outweigh the cons for just a 10% difference. I currently also take magnesium and vitamin D daily.

FindingOptimism

I connected with the negative feelings about the experience. I cannot imagine a time when I will say that cancer was a positive experience. I also had quite a few tamoxifen side effects which I think further eroded my mood and outlook. I am finding now that with a lengthening of the interval between doctor's visits (really a trigger for me), a lessening of the tamoxifen side effects, a clear follow-up from my first mammogram, and some physical therapy to work through residual issues, the light is dawning. Hopefully, you will have the same experience.

AliceBastable

Please try to keep in mind that people who do NOT have recurrences or mets, or who do NOT have post-surgical/treatment problems, are much less likely to post on this site. Don't use it for statistical comparisons for those categories. When I had endometrial cancer and a hysterectomy, I joined an on-line support group, which was such a huge help. But after awhile, I realized my involvement in that group kept me feeling like an active cancer patient although I had physically healed. The support had become a crutch. I'm not saying that's happening with anyone here, just that it's healthy to ask ourselves the question "Is it helping me or holding me back?" periodically, not just for involvement in this site, but other things in our lives.