I Feel Like My Life is Over

ChaClarey

I was diagnosed in August 2019 and I can’t get past the overwhelming feeling that my life is over. I just turned 51 and if everything goes well I might get it back when I’m 61. What the h@&& am I supposed to do with that. Some people tell oh your life might be better. My life was pretty good and I was happy with my present and future. Now it’s all out the window. I am feeling so low and can’t see away out of it. I thought I could do this, but not anymore . I can’t think of anything else but that my life is gone and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I spoke to counsellor numerous times, have been active on these boards looking for respite among the kindred spirits, tried to express what I feel to my family, exercise, meditate but it always come back to this overwhelming feeling of loss

bcincolorado

Hi,

Your life will not ever be the same but I can tell you that it does got on and you eventually get off the meds. My tumor was larger and I ended up eventually needing a mastectomy (tried lumpectomy first) but just finally got off meds this year after being diagnosed 10 years before you. I was not 50 yet when diagnosed. My breast surgon told me I had "nice cancer" believe it or not. I was was able to be treated with oral meds. I personally went into instant menopause as well by the way with all the meds and the stress of the surgeries.

I can tell you that life does go on. I was fortunate to not have kids at home at that time to take care of like some of the ladies do here when diagnosed. I went back to work and worked until last year with another unrelated health issue caused me to quit working.

I am now almost 59. See see oncologist but on a 6 month follow up. Still do mamo on non-cancer side and lab work to make sure no recurrence is coming.

Does the fear ever go away of it returning? Not for me. But life goes on and yours will too.

May you have success with your treatments and few side effects.

anotherNYCGirl

Cha, - The beginning is the toughest time. We've all been there. Yes, it's not what we wanted or expected to be dealing with and yes, the treatment is a hassle, - but so are many other things that we go through in life. It's worth the detours and hurdles. LIFE GETS BETTER!

countca04

Cha: diagnosed at 59 and thought of just a grand life of retirement....the diagnosis came a year ago. So much treatment and somehow....GO FORWARD....ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND MOVE ....yes this is sometimes what I tell myself.....it works....good days and bad but the sun will shine again.

It sucks ....none of us want to be here on this forum....just believe that somehow....we are here so we can continue to be grateful for the life ahead of us....Prayers, hugs and love.....

moth

So I have two things to offer you.

first of all - the feelings. Grieve. This feeling of loss? It's normal. It's real. You are allowed to feel it. Grief is powerful and complicated and we definitely need to grieve because we have lost our innocence, lost the person that we were before we got the diagnosis that yes, it is cancer. Journal, keep talking, keep feeling, whatever helps you. The grief is real and it's ok. It will get easier, just keep on keeping on and one day, the feelings of loss will be less sharp.

And second of all - the facts. It might not come back at all!
The truth is that for most women it doesn't! This board - & I love it, so don't get me wrong - but this board warps perspectives because we see way more recurrences here than are really happening. Most people don't come back here because they don't recur. Odds are good that it won't!

I went back to school while still doing rads in Sep 2018. I'm in a 3 years accelerated bachelor of science in nursing program. I started at 51. This has been my plan all along, had nothing to do with the cancer - but the cancer definitely tried to derail me. Well, I don't have time for that LOL. Cancer, sit back down, I've got stuff to do! My life before this was awesome. I don't think cancer was a gift. I don't think cancer made me better. I think it's an evil horrid thing and it sucks. But I'm not going to let drag me down right now. Even if your old life is gone, start a new one. Live boldly. Live fearlessly. We might have 40 plus years or maybe not. We just don't know. Every day is a gift. Every day we're here is a defiant F.U. to the cancer.

hang in there. It gets better.

AliceBastable

Well, I've had four kinds of cancer; breast was #3. I'm pretty convinced, based on past experience, that I'll eventually have others. So what? Remove, recover, regroup, re-energize. I'm here until I run out of body parts.

farmerlucy

The grief is real. PTSD is also a real thing. Often it rears it's head when active treatment ends and hormone treatment begins. I was in the depths of despair after my diagnosis. I think a lot of it was very old grief from when my own mother died of breast cancer when I was a child. My brother is an onco and he recognized my symptoms when none of my others docs did. Anti anxiety meds, an antidepressant and talking to a counselor helped. Sometimes it takes a few false starts to find the right fit. Keep trying.

Your old life may be gone. We can't unsee that glimpse of our own mortality. But that absolutely positively does not mean a wonderful new life isn't just around the corner. Right now breast cancer radio is blaring really loud in your head. Like 24/7. But believe it or not it is not always gonna be that way. Slowly, oh so slowly you're going to learn to live with this. I promise.

I was 51 when I was diagnosed. It was a terrible kick in the teeth. I was so terrified. I learned to live with the fear too. We get where you're at. We've been there. You are not alone. Hang in there.

vlnrph

You all realize that no one dies of breast cancer unless it spreads to other places in the body, right?

All the advice above is good, but everyone should know that it is only once you progress to metastatic disease that it becomes life threatening. Even then, many of us will have several good years, using one treatment after another until we need to begin hospice.

It is truly unfortunate that during Pinktober, otherwise designated as BC ‘awareness’ month, that so many early stage people do not understand this.

edj3

vlnrph I can't speak for other early stage BC-ers but for me it's not a fear of death. It's more wondering when the other shoe drops. Like others, this isn't my first cancer and you better believe I wonder what will make the trifecta for me.

ChaClarey if you were diagnosed in August this year, I gently/respectfully think you are still in such early days that the counseling you've had hasn't had a chance to be absorbed. Heck, your dx too. Might consider a longer term counseling plan of treatment to help you in this crisis stage.

morningdove

Hi ChaClarey,

A breath at a time. A moment at a time. A step at a time. Keep sharing your feelings. Write about your feelings. Little by little I believe you will feel less overwhelmed and feel more supported by all who are walking this journey with you. There are so many of us that know those feelings of despair and the sense of "I can't do this" and "my life is over". I have been there but not from breast cancer, for me it was depression that stole my life. There is help for our emotional well being while we are facing this diagnoses. One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Sending you love and support to take it just a moment at a time.

Eigna

ChaClarey - First of all I want to thank you for posting this. Others too will benefit from the replies to your post like me too 😊. I totally understand what you are feeling cuz I’m in the same boat as you. I was also diagnosed in August 2019. However I’m only 43 with two young kids. I have the same fears like you. Don’t know how long I’ll be around. Will i see my kids grow up? Get married? Will i see my grandkids? It’s a new life that we need to embrace. Live life to the fullest now cuz you don’t know what the future holds. But just reading all these posts here of our fellow sisters is very encouraging and promising. We will be around for many years to come but it’s a new life and we need to adjust to it

ChaClarey

Hello all,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. When I said I felt like my life is over, I was speaking not in the sense of dying, I was speaking of the life I have now and the future I had planned. Before diagnosis i was emotionally very even keeled and now I feel emotionally out of control. The overwhelming sadness and anger is dragging me into a dark hole and I don’t know how to get out. I feel myself withdrawing from loved ones and things I used To enjoy. It’s just so heavy

Yogatyme

ChaClarey, I was not long ago where you are. I felt like I had been knocked into the dirt and someone was holding their foot on me so I couldn’t get up. I am now 10 wks post op and am in a very different place emotionally. I am still grieving my old life but see light at the end of the tunnel on my “new normal”, and I’m pretty sure it’s not an oncoming train. Take good care and come here often for support. We’ve walked on the path and can help you when the going is tough.

edj3

And we can reassure you that these feelings are normal (if unpleasant and unwanted). I'm still grappling with my new normal, and I was dx'd in April.

Slg1324

hi Cha,

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this . I do relate , I'm still in the diagnostic phase and having a hard time emotionally. I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow for the time since I found out DX last week .Thinking of you and believe there are brighter days ahead ❤️

AliceBastable

I found it very helpful to deliberately schedule fun things to do throughout the whole process of tests, surgeries, and treatment. Concerts, meals with friends or family, going to parks, day trips, whatever you enjoy. Looking back a year after, THOSE are what I remember most. And they made me feel so much better at the time.

JosieO

all,

Alice is SO right with her suggestion. I did the same-created events that I would enjoy and remember, and almost 2 years out from diagnosis, the events are what I remember with happiness.

is it a “new” normal? Sure-how could it not be? But I remain determined to squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of my life today, and I work hard to control the negative feelings that also come from the “new” normal.

reach out to us here, and know you get support

ChaClarey

The overwhelming loss continues to pull me into darkness. I had a second sentinel node biopsy on October 23rd as my first one didn’t produce nodes in the specimen. I’m recovering at home, but don’t feel like getting out of bed, eating or talking to anyone in my family. I thought this would feel like another step further, but just feels like I’m going a step deeper into sadness, grief, anger etc. It’s almost as if when you think you are done falling there is more space to drop.All my former pleasures seem tainted somehow and I just want to stay in bed cover my head and forget everything. This is NOT who I was and it crushes me to see myself acting this way. HopIng for some relief soon. So hard to be in this place

bcincolorado

Chaclarey I'm so sorry you had to do another one. That stinks. It hurts your physically as well. I used to just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive. Same thing about staying in bed covering your head. No matter what, the issue will not go away and you will have to deal with it. Scream if you need to. Cry if you need to. Vent here when people are dumb and say stupid things to you. Your feelings are real and you should be allowed to express how you feel no matter what. Let it out and the people here will understand and support you as you get past tests and treatments. Through worries that never end. They are here. There is someone here who understands and has been there and will listen to you. Vent. We are here.

Spookiesmom

Suggest you read the thread titled Life Does Not End With Stage 4 Diagnoses Really! I just bumped it in active topics.