Nervous... need to tell my mom

Eigna

And I was right. It did affect her already and she doesn’t even know the whole truth. Every time I talk to her on the phone she cries as if I’m dying. Imagine how she will feel when I tell her the final results. Oh the lectures have started.. I should take better care of myself etc. I don’t need this!

Beesie

You need to lay down the law. Tell her that on top of everything else, you don't need to be worrying about her being upset, and don't need her to be putting guilt trips on you. So either she supports in a way that is helpful to you, or she is out of the loop and you won't tell her what's going on or talk to her about this at all. Maybe that's not the way to position it - you know what works best with her - but you need to take control of the situation so that you don't have to deal with her upsetting you through all your treatment. She won't change unless you force the issue, so you have to force the issue. Hopefully you only have to do it once.

hapa

Eigna - my mom was the same way. I was diagnosed a year after my dad died of cancer. Most of the people in my life annoyed me by assuming my cancer was no big deal. My mom on the other hand acted like I was going to drop dead at any second. Even now, every time I call her the first words out of her mouth are "what's wrong?" So I don't call her anymore.

At one point, she asked me "why do these things keep happening to me?" Seriously.

She's always been this way. And she wonders why I don't tell her anything.

I agree that you have to lay down the law and set boundaries. I had to when my mom started doing what your mom is doing. She would call and if I didn't answer or call back soon enough she would start blowing up my phone with frantic calls and texts. She kept saying it was just because she was worried about me, I needed to tell her more, she needs to know what is going on because she was worried. I told her too bad, that she needed to manage her own anxiety and I could not help her with that because I had enough of my own problems to deal with. It helped, though she has never stopped being a PITA. Her new idea is to move here, where I'm the only person she'll know for about 1200 miles, "just in case" I need her to "help out". Um, no thanks.

santabarbarian

Suggestion: "You are letting your fears about my situation run away with you, which is upsetting and depressing for ME, because you are blowing it out of proportion. I want to keep my stress level down, so I have decided I cannot participate in comforting you about what is, in fact, MY problem-- one that I am getting good care for, and dealing with well. If you are feeling upset about me even having a problem, I understand, but please choose someone else to vent those feelings to, because it makes things worse on me, and I already have enough on my plate."

edj3

In case this might help you, Eigna, I told my mother that I needed her to be my mother, that I didn't have the energy or emotional bandwidth to comfort her, that I needed her to comfort me.

And it's true, right now you need to be lifted up and supported. We can give that to you here, virtually, but it would be so good to get it from your loved ones too.

umakemehappy

I was diagnosed with BC 3 months after my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I easily decided not to tell her at all. I successfully cold capped so she was none the wiser. And I took it even further - I told NO ONE at all, aside from my sister, two middle school-aged sons, and my husband. I was not up for the pity, the overly helpfulness, the people not knowing what to say. I just wanted my life to be as it always was. And I would feel awful if I told others without my own mom knowing. My mom passed without ever finding out. I made it all the way thru, and now feel like I should tell some people (like my mother in law? or my best friends?) but just seems weird to bring it up now.

Betrayal

After I was diagnosed I told my DH, DD & SIL, DS & DIL, best friend & spouse, one brother and SIL. I did not tell my other brothers nor their spouses and it remains this way. I am a very private person and knew I would be supported by those I chose to tell without fear of having to support them or hear negative comments. Can't say I feel the same about those not in the know since family dynamics are not always what one expects them to be. My mother died never knowing and that was for self-preservation since she had become very judgmental and negative in her last decade with much of it directed at me. Do I regret not telling them? No, I am so glad I made this decision and have no regrets. Some things are just better left unsaid, IMHO.

Meow13

How others feel about your diagnosis is not important take care of yourself. This is not something you did or caused and you need to take care of yourself. No one can tell you what will happen next, do the best you can and get better.

HopeWins

All great advice!

@hapa, your post made me laugh. I think our mothers were separated at birth!

Every time my mother drives me crazy I remind myself that it is a lesson in how I don't want to be with my children as we all get older.

msphil

hello sweetie my husband was at work when I got my diagnosis I ran immediately to my Mom she held me we cry together. She held up pretty good was such a help to me. We prayed together and she kept me in prayers. Your mom might just surprise you as mine did. We are here for you. Hang in there sweetie in an now a long time Survivor Praise God and Family n Friends. msphil. idc stage2 0/3nodes 3 3mo chemo before and after Lmast then got married was planning our wedding at time then 7wks rads and 5yrs on Tamoxifen

Eigna

Thanks msphil. Today is not an easy day. I don’t feel positive and I don’t know what the future holds. I just want to be there for my kids and raise them to be young adults. I had so many dreams. I’m so scared today but my surgery is just in a few days. I don’t know how bc survivors do it every day...

MinusTwo

Eigna - don't let your Mother get you down. I agree - tell her you need her to pull herself up by her bootstraps and be your Mother. You can get through the cancer, but you don't need someone emotions dragging you down. Or maybe talk to your Dad and tell him to take her in hand.

BTW - of course you can do it alone. I did the entire thing by myself. My son came for 3 days for each surgery. Otherwise I chose not to have anyone else with me at any appointments. I drove myself to 8 hour chemo days each time (both times). I drove myself to radiation each day. I didn't want anyone 'clucking' over me.

That said - we're all different and need different levels of support. Try to concentrate on YOU. Take what you need to get through every day in a positive manner.

Yogatyme

My parents are dead, so telling them was not an issue I had to deal with. However, my brother was being treated for esophageal cancer (not having good results) when I was diagnosed so I was hesitant to share my news with family. I finally sent a group text to everyone and told them I was willing to talk about it and that I would be updating through text message. Those that were overwhelmed by my brothers treatment communicated via text and others called me. I was relieved that I did what I could to keep everyone in the loop without making it harder on them or me.

gretchy

I feel for you. My mother is over the top and tries to manage my treatment I'm 54 years old. Geez. But I know G-d forbid if this was happening to my kids I would want my kid to tell me exactly what they want or don't want from me. I send mass emails to my family with health updates and have asked for no phone calls until I'm ready. I'm blessed with an older sister who can run interference with my mom give her info and accept her list of questions she wants me to ask my doctors. I didn't tell my mom until I was ready for treatment gave her a month's peace I guess. You're allowed to set limits. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to put your needs first. Good luck.

msphil

hello sweetie msphil I know its hard to be Positive I too went thru that but affirming I Will get thru this Positivity did indeed get me here. My fiance now husband was also Positive for me when I did get weak so please be around Positive people it is important. msphil. Praise God 25yr Survivor

DiagnosisDisruption

I hear you. I finally told my parents after I had the whole chemo, surgery, rads schedule, and then my mom proceeded to give me every one of her problems in texts. "I double booked a bazaar June 8th. Can you work it for me?" Dunno, mom, I've never worked a bazaar with you, let alone what I will be doing June 8th (it was early January when she did this). Finally I texted my brother, You asked what you could do? Fix mom. A half hour went by and I didn't hear from him. I figured I'd really stepped in it. He finally texted back "Talked to mom. She won't be bothering you. Dad heard also so you're good." I love the woman, but she also got herself kicked off Chemo Island because of the same "me me me" stuff. On the other hand, I did a CaringBridge site and kept that up for EVERY PROCEDURE and pretty much everything. That way I could say nobody could call me.