Fighting

Bookworm14

I have finished with all my treatments so I am just waiting on clear scans. However, things are just a complete mess in my life right now. My psychiatrist just keeps upping my anxiety and depression meds, but I don’t think it helps. I am having troubles in my business, in my relationship, and having dreams of dying from this stupid crap. I don’t know whether I am happy, sad, or mad anymore. The sad thing times are heavily outweighing the happy. I know others have it much harder, but Everything is just erupting and exploding in my life. I am thankful that I could potentially get a clear scan next week, but I am a nervous wreck right now since nothing else seems to being going in a good direction right now. I am just so tired of it all. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but this is all becoming too much for me to handle. I was trying (sometimes faking) being positive in the beginning, but I was not. I just don’t know how much more bad news I can handle.

Moderators

Bookworm,

Try to just take one day at a time. Focus on things that make you happy, and keep yourself distracted with the things that bring you joy. We know it's easier said than done, but appreciating the little things in life that make you smile can go a very long way.

We're all here for you, and support you. Feel free to continue to vent and share your feelings and concerns. You're not alone. Perhaps others here will soon share what has helped them get through the dark times.

Sending love,

--The Mods

vlnrph

You have certainly been through a lot during the past 12 months! Coming up on one year since initial diagnosis, could some of the stress/confusion stem from this cancerversary? Not that it resolves anything but sometimes it helps to define the source...

Also, with hormone receptor positive disease, you are probably on anti-estrogen therapy. Tamoxifen and aromatase inhibitors can magnify already sensitive emotional issues. Again, knowing this won't eradicate the bad feelings however I think that placing part of the blame on the drugs removes it from being self-directed if that makes any sense. Besides the psychiatrist, I hope you also have a talk therapist.

You have mypermission to be down, at least for a little while. There is an exercise where you put a limit on the negative outlook then, once that's over, get up and do just one constructive thing. For me, that coping mechanism could mean a ten minute pout then start a load of laundry. Simple, maybe sort of stupid, although it can work.

Bookworm14

vlnrph,

I think it could be a bit of it all. I have noticed that my anxiety is much worse which in turn brings on those negative thoughts. I probably should have not waited so long to let out the negative because now it is becoming harder to deal with. I guess I figured if I just stayed as positive and happy as I could that it would be okay. Just tried the fake it until you make it stuff at the beginning when I should have just let myself go through it. I appreciate your feedback and will try your suggestion. Thank you.

edj3

Bookworm14, I'm taking advantage of the counseling services offered through my breast cancer center. I realized I was getting snippy with those I love the most and that it was displaced anger. As vlnrph said, consider talk therapy in addition to a psych.

movingsoccermom

Hello Bookworm. So sorry you have to be here. Something that helped me, especially this year, was to simply acknowledge that this diagnosis really is horrible!!!!! It absolutely SUCKS! I am fortunate to have wonderful family around me, Hubby, Kiddos and siblings. All have been great sources to cry with especially my youngest brother, still dealing with the consequences of his own cancer battle. Truly finding someone to be free with, professional or personal can help a ton. There is also a thread here called Steam Room For Anger--I don't know how to link it, but people really let loose there and that by itself can be cathartic. I know that time helped, both after my initial diagnosis and the recent recurrence. Be kind to yourself. You are among wonderful people here who understand this process.

Bookworm14

movingsoccermom,

This site is wonderful for all the uplifting thoughts that members provide. I guess my angry just waited until I finished treatments. Definitely hitting me harder now than when I was first diagnosed. Probably does not help I am anxious about my PET scan tomorrow either. I actually go to that that part of the forum to just read what others are posting. I appreciate you posting. I hope you are doing well.