I'm a Hot Mess

Ella7

I'm losing it. Out of endurance right now. I can't remember anything; cannot find the right words. Muscles are in knots. Intrusive thoughts that aren't good, or helpful. Don't know how to relax, or make it better. Scratch sleep.

Had an MRI on Friday and had a panic attack. I was breathing worse than I thought I was, I think - ended up having to get pulled from the machine. The next day, yesterday, I went back, and thankfully, they got it, so I don't have to go back for a while, I guess.

I had an MRI before, three of them before cancer, and never any issues. After the MRI thing, I couldn't stop crying for long. Still can't.

Can't remember much of anything, and forget what I was going to say/words. Short term memory is shot. Feel nailed to the chair sometimes, yet want to run away at the same time. But there's no getting out of this.

This upcoming week I should get those MRI results and the genetic test results, also.

I've reached my limit, I'm a hot mess. I am so done with 'being brave'. Had it up to here with 'being positive'. You know what? I'm not brave, and I am not a positive person. Not anymore (I don't know if I ever really was, not really - I suspect not). I feel like if I had support I wouldn't feel so weak, sad, and full of anxiety. Dealing with so much self-loathing right now, because I am just not coping, and I really wish it wasn't coming up now, the timing sure is bad.

I'm a person that isn't exactly in touch with her emotions a whole lot. However, I can say this: I feel like my personality is changing, and not for the better.

vlnrph

OK, so first thing in the am call your clinic, summarize your symtoms and ask for a referral. They should have lots of experience with helping people handle this type of stress - many of us have been exactly where you are!

Congratulations on making it thru the MRI even if it was on the second attempt. Give yourself credit for that.

Quit trying to be brave and/or positive. I always look at that proverbial glass as half empty so you are not alone. You are allowed to feel weak and sad. Did writing this post give even a tiny bit of satisfaction just for a couple minutes? Sometimes putting everything down on paper can make it all seem less intimidating. Come back here to vent whenever needed. It's a safe place to share feelings and frustrations. Hang in there.

anotherNYCGirl

I know all too well how you feel, and it STINKS.

BUT, - once you have more answers and a direction, you WILL feel better.

In the mean time, perhaps your dr can prescribe something to calm the frazzled nerves?

You have lots of company in the "frazzled nerves department", - we've all visited that department at one time or another =/

Hugs from NYC

Beesie

What you are is normal.


You've been thrown into a whole new world, one that you really really don't want to be in, one that nobody wants to be in. But you have no choice. You've passed through the door, it's slammed shut behind you, and there you are. Stuck inside cancer world. It's scary and overwhelming.


So a few pieces of advice. First, it will get better. You will learn your way around. You'll never be happy to be here but you'll figure out how to deal with it and fit this into your life. You will get through it.


Second, you don't have to be brave. You don't have to be positive. You just have to show up. And to do that, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it step by step.


Third, yup, this probably will change you. Right now, these aren't changes you like. But right now this is new and scary and overwhelming and completely out of your control. Over time you might discover that some of the changes that come out of this are actually good. Some people feel that they become kinder and more compassionate towards others. Some people find that they no longer sweat the small stuff. Some people decide that they won't put up with a lot of the crap that they used to accept or stay quiet about. This is happening to you and there is much that will be out of your control, but you can control how you react and how you deal with it and how you change as a result. Maybe not yet, while this is so new and scary, but eventually.

As for self-loathing because you are having difficult coping... there is nothing to angry with yourself about. You've been handed a bag of $#!+ and you're upset about it and not sure what to do with it. How is that "not coping"? That seems pretty normal to me.

Sending cyber (((Hugs))).

AliceBastable

This sounds like annoying advice, but try to deliberately schedule fun things, by yourself, with family, with friends. It really, really helps, not just now, but also when you look back on this year in the future. What you're going through is like a crappy job. You need time off from it, even if it's just weekends.

And like Beesie said, you don't have to be brave. You just have to show up. Are you still in the diagnostic part, or planning surgery, in recovery, in post-surgical treatment? It would really help us to know where you are in this, so we can try to give you pinpointed practical advice. But do talk to your medical team about getting a prescription to help you with the stress.

Rah2464

Ladies can I just take a moment to say how wonderful, caring and supportive you are. Reading your responses, your generosity to share your knowledge and experience is transformational. Bless you all.

Ella7 I hope that you find some help from the stress you are experiencing. We all understand even if we may process a bit differently. My best to you.

edj3

Hey Ella7, you're so not alone. While the way I'm expressing my hot messiness differs from you, I too am a hot mess. As vlnrph suggested, call your care team. They will get you a referral so you get the help you need and deserve to get through this.

And I've taken that advice, I see the psych tomorrow.

Please post back and let us know how you're doing.

TB90

Ella7: You have received excellent advice, now you need some relief. You cannot carry on like this, especially while not receiving any sleep. You do not have to feel this horrible. Please see your physician and get something for the sleep and anxiety. Torture would be easier. Once you feel some relief, things will start to get more manageable. Here is hoping for a good nights sleep tonight! Slee

GiddyupGirl

Ella7 - everyone here has given you really good advice. Now here's a funny - I have been a therapist for most of my working life so I know all the tricks of the trade right. No way - I do take lots of showers (not cause I am a clean freak) but because I can cry in the shower and noone will know. When I had my surgery part of me wanted that to be the last thing I ever did but I woke up anyway so had to keep going, Often wish I could be that big strong person fight the fight etc but that's not me. You are not alone none of us are perfect we don't have to be. So I will send hugs out to you and everyone here for putting one foot in front of the other. Take care and come back. Someone is always here to talk to.

Castigame

I just need to vent. I took all the beatings which consists of letting my teenage perky boobs go. No recon 8 DD chemos 6 wks of rads, total hysterctomy, and more like a trooper. Went back to an old job I hated before. All treatments are done 18 months ago. Take anti anxiety depressants thyroid and arimidex of course I am angry and depressed ever. I even said to my self I won't do anything stupid. I am angry that I have no control over me. Tried changing jobs but my interviewer did not like my age (almost 50) no appetite had to force myself to drink Boost drinks. Yes I had a beer. I thought of taking extra anxiety med but did not. No I won't take any illegal drug because it ain't going to help my inner anger. Shoulda coulda I should have applied for social security disability during treatments and find a part time job I would have liked. My poor hubby is so stressed out about my state of mind. My blood pressure is up I am going to pray tonight. Thank you sisters for listening.