Killing me with kindness

Shelligirl

I truly appreciate all the kindness I have been shown and absolutely detest when the words people use are dissected and their intentions are not appreciated. That said, since my diagnosis, I have had to deal with a few really aggressive personality. Maybe cancer whips up some people and they go into fight mode. I want to be grateful, but I don’t want to be bullied either. Would love to hear your stories and how you negotiated a truce.

My examples:

Husband’s Boss: “I would never let anyone touch my wife that hadn’t been to MD Anderson first. She can stay with me while she takes chemo.” We live in Dallas which is a four hour drive to MD Anderson. My husband is totally intimidated and considering the idea. Sheesh

My longest friend: “I know two people diagnosed at the same time. One had a positive outlook and she sailed through her treatment and is “cured” now, and the one is...DEaD.” I guess I need to smile more and will absolutely never say anything negative around her. I don’t want any, “I told you so’s at my funeral.”

Making light of this, but there is a truth. Sometimes help feels aggressive when you don’t want or need it.Anybody else experiencing this?

AliceBastable

Answer to husband's boss (from your husband): "Oh, well, MY wife is intelligent and discerning enough to pick her own medical team, and I support her 100%."

Heh heh heh. 😈

MelissaDallas

I guess husband’s boss doesn’t know UTSW in Dallas is an NCI designated comprehensive cancer center

MountainMia

"Thanks so much for your concern." Said sincerely, that's really all that's needed most of the time. Sometimes more is called for. If your "longest" friend is also a close friend, you might push back on her notion that having the right attitude is the key. You can say "What you're saying is that if I die from the disease, it must somehow be my fault. You're also suggesting that 2 people diagnosed at the same time should have the same prognosis. That's just not how it works. There are many types of breast cancer, many stages of progression, and a wide variety of treatments. Besides that, those 2 people were probably not in exactly the same health when they got diagnosed. There's no reason to think that their attitudes were the deciding factor. ... But thanks so much for your concern... "

Well. Sorry you are dealing with this. As you said, most people are very kind, and even those who don't come across that way usually have good intentions.

IBJUSTFINE67

They are not coming from kindness in my opinion but rather thoughtlessness and stupidity. Out of the 90% wonderful things said to my husband and I came the 10% that nearly floored me, even by some survivors that were our friends. Making a judgement on your treatment plan topped my list of unwelcome comments as well like what happened with your husbands boss. I was told how very painful my implants would be by a friend who I knew had to make the painful choice we all make whether to get them or not. She told my husband that, "we have the same cancer as well" Yes, if you just go by the stage and not the 10 other factors we did not have in common. Sorry you went through this.

IBJUSTFINE67

Also, thanks for posting this. I thought I was the only one♡ Words hurt♡