thinking positive

erin_t

do you find it easy, or even possible, to think positive?

My mother says I should and I'd be happier if I did. Focusing on the negative is making me more depressed and upset. I find it so hard to distract myself though, nothing to do all day and not enough energy to do it. You can only watch so much TV. I AM grateful for many things -- my daughter and her health, that her father is a good person (if not a great husband, we're separated and will divorce), the probable curability of my cancer, my family, my boyfriend. I know (intellectually) this time is finite. I know it won't really affect my daughter, she won't even remember.

What's bringing this on you ask? I just found out my ex, who has been doing the majority of childcare for the last few weeks, is out with his girlfriend and there's a sitter putting my daughter to bed. Big whoop, right. It's a normal thing. He needs a break. I'm not upset with him, but I'm upset in general that someone is doing this intimate routine with my little girl. I'm jealous.

I need to know how to get past these negative feelings.

Cowgirl13

erin, there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You are going through treatment and this is normal--don't compare yourself to others who fly through treatment. I was gut busted by it and didn't do much because I coudn't although I did have good days.

erin_t

You're right, it's normal, but it's just impossible for me to live with. I can't live like this.

Salamandra

Hey Erin_t,

Positivity is nice but our culture has built a kind of cult of thinking around positivity that, IMO, is not helpful at all.

Sometimes, experiencing and acknowledging negative feelings is really necessary and useful. Also, it's ok to not be happy all the time, even if it makes people who care about you uncomfortable.

That said, this illness can be enormously emotionally and mentally challenging. It is also very useful to get the help of a professional - social worker/therapist/psychiatrist. They can help you get in touch with positivity in a way that is actually helpful to you, rather than feeling like another thing we're failing at. Whether your (extremely normal for treatment) lack of energy is exacerbated by depression or side effects from treatment, a doctor/psychiatrist can be helpful with that.

The thing I'd say is, your feelings are real and valid and they deserve to be acknowledged, but they are not always true - especially if depression is playing a role. Just because this is how you feel now, doesn't mean you'll keep feeling like this forever. Just because it feels intolerable, doesn't mean you are not able to persevere and get through.

erin_t

Thanks salamandra. I do have a psychiatrist but I've only seen her once and won't see her again till the end of the month. Right now I'm 10 days from my 8th taxol, so I feel like I should be feeling better but I'm not and i don't know why.