I think I have ptsd, afraid to touch my breasts

Toyamjj

I found my lump through self examination so I understand the importance of it! However I've noticed sense the actual diagnoses I've been too scared to touch my breast and do my monthly self exams for fear of finding something else. Ive only recently started feeling the area where I had the cancer removed but can't seem to bring myself to touch my other breast. Any one else go through this, any tips on how to get over this new anxiety. During my weekly skin check on my last radiation session I casually brought it up to my radiologist and she said "would you like me to give you an exam?" that was April 10th and she didn't feel anything so I know I'm physically healthy but still can't seem to get over this mental hurdle!

Rah2464

I had a similar aversion to touching my new foobs after my BMx. They were like rocks sitting on my chest and I just didn't want anything to do with them. I went to an oncological massage therapist because I was having cording issues and she talked me into massaging them a little bit for the first time to reduce the scar tissue. It was very emotional for me, but seemed to release the fear and alienation to that part of my body. My therapist was a BC survivor herself, so she definitely understood how it felt.

Maybe just start a little in the shower with washing and see how you progress. It truly is an emotional barrier and I hope you can cross it soon. Yeah, that PTSD thing.

Toyamjj

Rah2464,

Glad to know I'm not alone in this, thanks for the encouragement. I would always check my breast laying down in bed so maybe starting fresh in a new place like the shower will feel like a different experience, Different location different outcome;) trick the mind, because its really just a mind game.

Thanks

Rah2464

Bless you Toyamjj. Yes, it is definitely a mind game, so we use whatever tricks get us there. If you don't want to use your hands at first, start with a soft soapy washcloth even. My best to you.

Toyamjj

Thank you Rah2464 wishing you the best as well!

santabarbarian

I have felt afraid to hurt my breast. I'll touch it but wont press hard. It was painful for a long time between the tumor pain, the nerve pain, the shooters during rads, the wound pain from surgery... It's hard to believe if I push on it it won't hurt.

TB90

Toyamjj; The absolute terror of finding a lump is an experience many of us can relate to. So returning to that possibility is extremely anxiety producing. Mammograms also. I created a distraction for both. A trashy magazine for the mammo and a wonderful body rub that smells like the ocean for self exams. I started only by touching a small portion of my remaining breast and slowly expanded the area. It took months and mammograms still make me ill. I shared this with the technicians and they have helped so much. This is no different than entering the school where you were shot at or the war zone where you nearly escaped death. This is PTSD. Please be patient with yourself and perhaps see a therapist. It will get easier

PurpleCat

Definitely PTSD. I struggled with this for years before my diagnosis. Found 3 lumps over the years, all of which turned out to be benign, but each one required testing/biopsy/terror of waiting, and after the last all-clear I could barely even look at my breasts, much less touch them. For years. Ironically, the actual cancer I ended up getting was found on mammogram and wasn't palpable. But of course during all the treatment I HAD to look at and touch them to look for skin problems, apply lotion, etc, so, ironically, the end result is that I may some day say "It took cancer to get me over my fear of cancer." I still haven't done a real self-exam, but I'm getting better. Starting with a soapy washcloth helps. I also say to myself as I do it "You had cancer, but it's gone now. The only lumps you've ever found were benign. Two months ago your doctor did an exam and found no problems. Things are going to feel a little weird in there but it's nothing bad, and if it is, it will be taken care of." Other reassuring things like that. It's helping, sort of.

Moderators

Just in case there are some helpful suggestions, we're posting this:

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder After a Cancer Diagnosis

Toyamjj

Thank you all for sharing, it really does help knowing I'm not alone in this!