I am so very tired of being tired

kber

I am almost done with chemo after 5 months.  My last chemo treatment, assuming
my WBC rebounds from last week is in two days.  I feel like I should be in
a more celebratory mood.  I keep getting messages
from friends and family asking when we can lift a glass of champagne and kiss
chemo goodbye.  (Yeah, no - the idea of alcohol right now is unappealing.)

And yet, all I can think about is how freaking exhausted I
am.  How this one last chemo treatment is
only going to make me feel worse before I feel better.  How, after 5 months, my nausea is getting worse.  How my nails are about to fall off.  How I still don’t have eyebrows or eyelashes.  How long it’s going to take to even start to
look and feel normal again.

I want to feel grateful, or even just relieved.  Instead I can’t mentally get past the next week
and the knowledge that I’m going to feel like crap for the next 7-9 days.  This whole time I’ve not once been tempted to
quit early or ask for dose reduction.  I’ve
gutted it out and allowed myself to feel a small amount of pride at how tough I
was.  I agreed to adding Carboplatin to Taxol,
knowing it was more toxic, but that it could increase my long-term survival
chances. 

But I swear that if I walked into my MO’s office and he told
me that I could opt out of my last treatment, I’d be tempted to do it, even
knowing that finishing my course of treatment increases my odds.  I won’t really and I won’t even ask about it,
but I am soooo ready to be done with this shyte. 

Moderators

kber,

We are so very sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time finishing up your chemo. We know you're not alone, though! You're doing a GREAT job and you should be patting yourself on the back -- and not feeling guilty for considering other options. You're only human!

We know you'll receive great encouragement from others here soon, and some advice to help manage, but we wanted to share this page from the main Breastcancer.org site on Ways to Manage Fatigue that might provide some tips to help the next round of treatment be more manageable.

We're sending big, gentle hugs your way. You CAN do this!!

--The Mods

anotherNYCGirl

kber, - Your feelings are SO understandable, - but you are ALMOST done!! Hang in there, but do tell your onc about the nausea, - there may be something to help! (do you get Emend?)

Think of the upcoming summer, your hair returning, and feeling better SOON!!

Hugs to you from NYC!!

L8Blmr

Kber, it's hard to feel celebratory when you ARE exhausted!! I think we've all felt some degree of what you're going through. Your 'champagne toasting' friends really do mean well-they just want their old friend back in the game. But, they haven't walked in your shoes the past 5 months, so let them know you need some time to recover.

You've got 1 more treatment-push through it; know that when you walk out that door you won't be back. Put a big SMILE on your face and say, "See Ya" because everyday away from chemo is a good day!! Be good to yourself. It's ok to sleep when you're tired; it helps the body heal. And know it will take time; it took about a year before I was feeling full strength and didn't need a nap every day. I still don't have eyebrows and just mini eyelashes, but I have a head of hair and I'm thankful. Everyday is better.

So here's my funny story about no eye brows....hubby and I had dinner out with a group of friends, after some good story telling and wiping away tears from laughing, hubby leans over and tells me, "honey, you need to go to the bathroom and draw on an eyebrow". I unknowingly wiped it off with my napkin. We all got a good laugh out of that, too. Chemo's version of 'spinach in your teeth'. Sometimes you just have to laugh!!

Big hugs from a warm heart.

BuckeyeAmy

You are a warrior. Others can say it, but from someone who has been in your shoes, I know it. The will to survive can be a powerful tool. Use it. Hang in there, and you will again want to lift a toast with your dear friends.

kber

thanks so much for the messages of encouragement- it really helps. I know I’m in the final stretch of this leg of the journey and I’ll get through it.

Ingerp

kber—I remember focusing so intently on that last chemo date but then realized as it approached that I wouldn’t magically start feeling better, that I still had to get through the downtime that was probably going to be a tiny bit worse than any of them. But there was something encouraging (dare I say energizing?) about the knowledge that this was the end of the poison. That my poor body could finally start to get rid of all of it. I both was and wasn’t surprised that I walked out of the cancer center after the last tx and burst into tears. You have so many emotions going through you right now. Be strong these next two days and then be very gentle with yourself. Is there a small treat you would like? Your favorite junky food? A piece of jewelry? Can you snuggle in bed over the weekend and do absolutely nothing?

kber

doing nothing this weekend sounds like a great plan! My treat is three weeks post chemo - going to my sons college graduation. It’s the carrot I’ve been holding out for myself!

Your words about realizing the end of chemo is not the end hit home. I think I’m partially working through the emotional realization that there’s still a long road ahead. I’ve been so focused on getting through chemo that now that I’m down to the wire, I’m like, wait, there’s more???

I also know that 48-24 hours before chemo I get anxious, so this may just be part of that weekly cycle. My weekly bitch / freak out session.Another thing I’m hoping to say goodbye to!.

kber

Hi. I'm feeling much better now that chemo is done. The last few weeks were a bit brutal, but I made it.

Now surgery (today) and possibly radiation, depending on how the pathology report shakes out.

MexicoHeather

Kber: July. You're going to feel a bit better and get a little hair in July. I had to postpone that last chemo for three days. I didn't want to ring any d*mn bell because I had plenty of other treatments to figure out. Deep breath. Keep going.