Newly Diagnosed

Fairydragonfly

Today I joined your ranks as I got the preliminary results back from my core needle biopsy on April 5, 2019.

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, no special type. ER

R, PR and HER2 testing has been ordered. Calcification are not seen.

I won't find out about grade/staging until the referral to the oncologist is processed (sent either today or tomorrow).

I'm struggling because:

• I lost both my parents to cancer last year.
• At 43, I am the oldest member of my family.
• My only surviving relative is my younger sister who lives in a different province and is a single mom to my 10 year old nephew.
• I'm single and live alone with two kittens I adopted 2 months ago after losing my cat (she was 19).
• I have major depression and anxiety (managed through medication).

I'm scared about what this diagnosis means and how I'm going to get through this when my support network is friends who have families and work because they're around the same age.

I heartbroken because I can't call my parents to talk about this. I'm angry because I feel like I can't catch a break. I know your mental health can impact your recovery/prognosis and I am scared that my already fragile mental health will be an added hurdle.

Rrobin0200

I am so sorry you’ve joined us, but we welcome you with open arms. This is a very scary time... and the waiting and wondering is the worst part of it all, IMO. Do you think you could possibly talk to a counselor? Does your hospital have any support groups? This board is incredible.. truly a lifeline. What about asking your doc for a prescription of Xanax to help you through this initial phase? No shame in that. Please message me if you ever want to chat.

CindyNY

Fairydragonfly- my heart goes out to you, you've had enough on your plate already, then to have to join us. Try taking this one step at a time. It's ok to be angry, and heartbroken without your parents to call.

You'll get more info when you meet with your MO. Write down any questions you have, start a note book - it ends up a reference to all your questions & your Dr answers.

Your fear of doing it all alone is normal. You can ask the MO office for any services, or groups in your area that you could take advantage of.

If you feel you're more depressed or anxious, reach out to your Dr and let him/her know what's going on with your new diagnosis. They may be able to tweek your meds to help you through this. Because you will get through this.

This community on BC org will support you all the way. Some would say, we'll be in your pocket! HUGS to you.

Salamandra

I was in a pretty similar boat. 39, had lost my parents and grandparents, no spouse or kids, younger sibling with a kid in a far away city, managed depression. Only one cat though. One of the first things I did after I got diagnosed was to buy health insurance for her!

I was also terrified in the period from before I got my biopsy results until my first meeting with the surgeon. Knowing that your life is about to be turned upside down but having no idea of how or for how long or with what prognosis was terrifying. Even though I've handled so many things in my life before, I was really scared that this would be the thing I couldn't handle. I actually ended up buying a burial plot next to my mothers in that wait time. Figured I'd need it some day no matter what!

Turns out I could handle this, and so can you, and so will you.

I had friends really step up to be supportive, including coming to doctors appointments. At the first doctor appointment, many of my worst fears were calmed. Having an idea of what the coming time would look like made a big difference.

Some things that helped were getting Ativan for the extra anxiety during that time, and a friend who helped me just by listing things I had in my positives column, over and over again. Things like access to a good cancer center, good health insurance, a job where I can take leave and my job will be safe, support of friends, stable affordable apartment, etc.

Also it took too long but my cancer center eventually connected me to their psychological support services - appointments with their social worker and one of their psychiatrists. I only met the social worker once but it was good to know she was there. I ended up liking the psychiatrist a lot and since I had to change antidepressants to go on the tamoxifen, I saw him regularly for a while and will continue a bit longer. It was really helpful to have the perspective of someone with such specific and deep expertise. I wish I had pushed harder for it earlier.

You will be okay. It will help a lot to meet the doctor. The fear isn't an accurate indicator of your actual emotional capacity for dealing with this. In the end, it has turned out to be easier for me than the other challenges I have faced, and I think those other challenges did help give me strength and perspective - but I would NOT have anticipated that based on how scared I was at the beginning. I thought this was the thing that was going to finally break the camel's back, the emotional equilibrium that I'd been working on for so long and that I felt was so fragile and precious.

Hugs! Always happy to talk here or chat by PM. It can feel isolating sometimes to see all the posts talking about spouses and kids and parents. But we are not alone!

Anonymous

You will get through this. We are here for you. I found that even though I had family and friends around, they had no perspective on what I was going through (because they weren't going through it). However, knowing the vast #s of wonderful women (and men) on this site who were going through what I was, or had gone through it, gave me such hope and comfort. I posted here throughout my dx/tx and ongoing care, and it really helped me feel a lot less alone. I don't know how many times members have talked me off a cliff, so to speak, when I was panicking.

You can also call your local American Cancer Society office and ask about support groups and b.c. mentors. There should be groups you can join (simply to vent, if you need--but you may find a lot of hope from them too). I had one friend who had gone through b.c. treatment about 5 years before I did, and she was a comfort-great source of great information (she told me about dose-dense chemo) and I could vent to her when I needed.

Just be careful about who you share your dx with. I wanted to talk about it to others because talking about it seemed to empower me. But I found that some colleagues that I wasn't really close to shared horror stories with me about some awful experience a family member or friend had, so I had to be careful to make sure I really trusted that the person would know what I needed to hear.

My cats and dog were such a source of comfort, and your kitties will be, too. Apparently purring heals soft tissue injuries, and can relieve tension and anxiety, so scratch away and curl up with your babies as much as possible.

Hugs,

Claire in AZ

Fairydragonfly

First off, thank you for all the responses. I found out this morning that I am meeting the surgeon/oncologist on Friday April 26. I will find out grade, staging, and next steps.

I'm so grateful to have this community as my outlook at present is pretty bleak. It's easy to assume the worst when you are basing it on your recent previous experiences. Cancer is such a scary word. My mom passed away 10 days after getting her diagnosis (pancreatic cancer). It came as a complete shock to all of us, though she had started declining in the weeks/months prior. We had assumed it was care giver burnout from caring for my dad.

I know I will have more questions and I may lurk more than post at times as I digest everything. Please know I read every message and the words of support and encouragement mean so much.

I live in Canada and have short term counseling available through my work. I will be reaching out to them. I was also told that once I have the full diagnosis that pyschosocial oncology opens up at the hospital. They will be able to direct me to the appropriate resources.

Wised

Dear Fairydragon, I love your name. It sounds like an awesome tattoo!

This is my second cancer. I live alone with a dog oh, two cats, and a parrot. I also have anxiety and PTSD which is left over from the treatment for my first cancer. Going through cancer treatment alone is very doable. Don't get me wrong, I really think that having a support network is important but there were times I was grateful to come home to my own house in my own space with my own things. We will be here to support you! Hugs

kber

Hi - counter intuitively maybe, but there is no scientific proof that a positive attitude improves cancer treatment outcomes.  However, I did read a while back that pressure to "fake" a positive attitude may actually lead to poorer outcomes as patients don't want be seen as weak or complaining and therefore don't share their symptoms as freely.  I only mention it because I hate the idea of someone even subconsciously blaming themselves for something beyond their control, thinking, "if only I'd believed harder, I'd be better".  It doesn't work that way.  Depression is a serious condition that you already know you need to manage, but it's not going to make your cancer worse.  

My unscientific opinion, you are doing exactly right by facing / acknowledging what scares you.  You are already arming yourself with what you need to manage this, even if the first step is taking inventory of the gaps.  

So send up a flair.  If you are comfortable, let your friends, acquaintances, neighbors, etc know you are going to need help.  I've had people crawl out of the woodwork to drop off meals and provide rides.  I've frankly been surprised.  These boards are also very helpful - kind of like a virtual support group.  I've gotten everything from practical tips (eyedrops help with chemo tears) to virtual hugs and encouraging private messages.

Check out two sites if you are inclined:

www.caringbridge.com

www.mealtrain.com

Hugs from NJ.  

Cowgirl13

I can't stand all that stuff about the fake positive attitude and fight, fight, fight. I felt like a steam roller rolled over me. I did not want to take what little engery I had and put it into the fake business. I lived alone, had my darling cat to keep me company and I had 1 friend to talk to although I talked very little about the cancer. Towards the end of treatment I was in a cancer support. You will be able to make it through this because we are all here for you. BTW, it was 10 years ago I was where you are now.

Anonymous

Fairyd,

I know you probably know this, but you probably have trauma from the shock of losing your mom to cancer so quickly. That will contribute to a bleak mood--and that is perfectly normal. Pancreatic cancer is nothing like b.c., though, and I bet you know that. I lost my husband when I was in my mid 30s to oral cancer, and was his primary caregiver. Fast forward 15 years and there I was dx with cancer. Of course I freaked out--thought about everything he went through--but after doing research found out my outcome was so much better than his, even if I had had stage IV b.c. (I didn't thankfully).

Point is, everything you are feeling right now is right. I echo members above who noted that it takes precious extra energy (energy we don't have) to try to maintain a "positive" attitude when we've received the shocking news. You'll feel more positive later, and it will be because you have more information about treatment and outcome. You're going to be fine, but girl, feel all the feels you need to right now.

What I did that helped was to read stories about b.c.org members who are multiples of years survivors. It really calmed me.

kber, I didn't know about the research but I always felt like expending extra mental and emotional energy to "put on a brave face" distracted us from the humanness of feeling our fear about the dx.

Claire in AZ

Fairydragonfly

I'm exhausted all the time and that makes "putting on a happy face" much more difficult. I'm glad I have 5 days to digest this information before going back to work on Tuesday. I've decided to let my colleagues know so that I don't have to keep up pretenses. If I get emotional at work, so be it. A few have known because I was missing so much work and many have noticed I haven't been myself these last few weeks.

You're all right. There is nothing wrong with feeling and expressing whatever emotions I may have. I recognize that my reaction to this news is normal and not my depression getting worse.

I have let friends know and their immediate response was to help and support me. Three of them are bickering over who is going with me to meet the surgeon! The outpouring of love and support both here and in my community has been the one hopeful flame in all this darkness.

I also agree that I'm still grieving the loss of my parents. It is definitely adding another layer of complexity when it comes to my emotions.