Work and family questions

JulieSim

Hi all,

I am new here, did my routine ultrasound and mammogram two weeks ago and knew something was wrong. Then the biopsy today,and I will be coming back to review my results on Thursday. Since they found an extensive calcified area, everyone is positive I will be diagnosed with at least DCIS even before getting formal results.

These two weeks of a waiting game were the worst I think, getting answers will for sure help to cope and start planning.

I am a full time working mother of two small girls, my husband is very supportive but works long hours as well, and we don't have much help. I found that for me the most frustrating part was not a fear of having cancer as a diagnosis, but being worried for my family. I also feel that I am not really working while at work, my team counts on me in all kinds of tasks, and I am not even sure if I will be around.

Those who don't have much help, how do you manage kids and household tasks? Even dropping off and picking up kids might be an issue if you cannot lift them to the carseat.. If there was an option to hire help for those few weeks of recovery from your surgery, what would be the minimal amount of hours you would think off? Is there any way to manage without help?

And also, how do you handle work related issues? I am on and off here and there even before being diagnosed, people keep asking if something is wrong. Surprisingly (or maybe not?) even those couple of people knowing what I am going through are still focused on me taking tasks and being involved in long term commitments which to me kind of does not make sense at this time. What are you doing during these days when your diagnosis is confirmed but not confirmed and there is no treatment plan yet?

I am entitled to take a leave of absence and after seeing what I am seeing I am positive I will be using it once I have a tx plan.

I am truly blessed to find this forum, to ask my questions and to vent. Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories and experiences.

SuQu31

Julie, this is short, but I know others will join in and give you additional (and probably better) advice. People will ask you if they can help, so let them. When they ask how they can help, have a list of tasks and needs - they will thank you for giving them direction. And you and your husband may be surprised by some of the people who jump in to help - often these are people who have been through difficult situations themselves, and they will be happy to "pay forward" the help they received. I have learned that for some people, the need to help is so great that you just need to focus them on the things that will really assist you instead of leaving it up to them - you might get "help" that is not so helpful.

As for work, every situation is different. My colleagues were so wonderful and supportive that I will walk through walls for them now that I'm back. Once you have a plan in place for treatment, and know more about how long you will be out, just be realistic with them about when you will be back. If you say, "it's no big deal" when it really is, they probably will accept that and expect more than you can offer. Every diagnosis and treatment plan, and every person's recovery, is a little bit different as you no doubt are learning. People may try to compare your situation with someone else they knew who had breast cancer, so I found it was better to be up front and honest about my situation and what I expected for recovery. I realize, though, that is not the best advice for everyone as far as work goes.

I wish you and your family the very best as you go through this. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Moderators

JulieSim - We we're sorry that you have to be here, but just wanted to send you a warm welcome you to our incredible Community.

As you can already see, you'll get great advice and support here in the discussion boards. If you also want to read through some helpful articles in our main site, we would recommend our Resources for the Newly Diagnosed section. Some good info there that can help you understand pathology reports, treatment options, and deal with all the stress that so often goes along with a breast cancer diagnosis. Hope this helps! Please, come back to let us know about your results tomorrow. We're thinking of you!

Sincerely,

The Mods

Runrcrb

julie, it might not be cancer so don’t go to the worst case scenario yet; wait for the diagnosis and then know there will be a few months of research, planning and dr consulting before you have a plan. I found this phase to be the hardest and it was also the period when I told the fewest people (my preference was to limit the people who knew). And yes, it was hard to focus at work during this period which is why my immediate team members knew soonest. I can still remember the conference room I was in with three guys on my team as we were planning a presentation. When we got to the assignment of preparing different parts I just looked at them and said “I can participate in this discussion but I cannot focus to create a slide; that phone call i got during our meeting yesterday was my doctor telling me i had cancer.” Those guys were great picking up the focus work I couldn’t manage at that time.

Should you find yourself needing surgery or other treatments, take those offers for help and turn them into picking up your girls from school, etc. bringing the family dinner so you don’t spend your energy there but on your girls. I found support from a million unexpected places.

JulieSim

Thank you everyone,

This is what I thought too when going to my appointment yesterday, but the way everyone spoke to me made me feel they got my diagnosis even before receiving the results.I was already told that they are planning to remove the tissue and they left a marker in my breast. I won't mind being wrong of course

The 'no big deal' advice is so true! I have always been a 'no big deal' person, but this time I don't feel that way and want to be taken seriously. As you for sure know, it's also the matter of changing priorities. Doesn't matter how far my tx plan will be going, I want to spend more time with my hubby and kids and less with my workload which eventually will be passed to someone else anyway.

Is it reasonable to ask the physician tomorrow about the timelines? What is the best way to estimate? I know, there's no black and white, but it would be so helpful to know how long the recovery from the surgery takes, for how long I won't be able to bathe my kids and to make pancakes for breakfast...

I am surrounded by wonderful people but they are all crazy busy and with their own young kids, so I am pretty sure I might want to have a temporary paid helper for even a couple of hours a day.

kber

Hi.  I found it necessary to draw some hard and fast lines as I've worked through chemo, both with my employer and with myself.  I've had a successful career and enjoy my job, but I'm a bit of a workaholic sometimes.  (OK, like pretty much the past 30 years.)

FWIW, I approached fighting cancer like a project, with deadlines, priorities, milestones, etc.  I also have had to be firm with my company about my limitations, but the biggest challenge has been learning to tell myself "no", or at least "not yet" when it has come to work.  They will take / accept as much as I'm willing and able to give, so it's been up to me to set boundries.  

Also, the time you are spending processing the potential news now is not wasted.  You may find that if you get some variation of bad news that you are better prepared than you realize, thanks to the mental energy you are spending now.  I know that's not typical advice - after all, why stress over something that may not happen?  But as a planner, I tend to worry about worst case scenarios until I have a plan to deal with it if it does happen, at which point I can mentally let it go.  "Just letting it go" has never worked for me.  I need to examine a problem from every angle and when I'm satisfied that I've thought through various scenarios, then I can put it on a shelf until I need to deal with it.  

 

JulieSim

Thank you for sharing your experience kber, that's amazing!

Letting go would not for me neither..

I am not sure if I could follow everything since I've been doing case management, it includes commitments with my clients, sometimes hours of driving and home visits, and even doing it with kids have been challenging when kids were sick, so this is too big on me right now.

But again, will hopefully get my diagnosis and plan soon. And then will be reading your advice again

JulieSim

Just wanted to thank you all again. Got my positive biopsy results yesterday. Trying to collect myself and to stay strong.

My questions will now definitely become way more specific, so I will be moving to the next topics..

beeline

Julie, I'm so sorry you received that news. I am also a full time working mother of 2 girls, so I relate to where you are now but I am at the end of active treatment. The thing that helped me most was something someone on these boards wrote. She essentially said that for 6 months her kids ate too much fast food and watched too many movies from her bed, but they all got through it. It helped me realise that this isn't forever and so what if the house doesn't get cleaned or we have Chinese takeaway 3 nights in a row, eventually you will be on the other side. I only finished chemo in January and it already feels like a distant memory or like a hazy dream.

As others have said, let people help who want to and be specific if they don't know what do. For me, keeping everyone fed was the thing I worried about most so when someone said, "if I can ever do anything," I would say: we could really use a meal next week, you pick the day. We also had 2 families we know through our daughters' school who organised picking them up on chemo days so my husband could come with me. They weren't our closest friends going into this, but they are now! I also hired a local college student to clean once a week, but really I just let a lot of stuff go and focused on the most important things. I got through it. You will, too. Good luck with the next steps. There is lots of support here. Sending hugs x

JulieSim

Thank you for sharing beeline. They are talking to me about mastectomy and reconstruction, implants vs flap, and all I think of is how long it would take me then to get home after the surgery, to change my daughter's diaper and so on.

I was also told that I will be back to normal after 2 to 3 weeks after mastectomy. I don't know what kind of normal to expect after two weeks, maybe I am just overreacting? Even after the biopsy my husband had to come early and pick up our little one from a daycare because I could not put her in a carseat.

And at work - I need to drive a lot to my clients and deal with all kinds of their issues. From the day I didn't my mammogram and knew something was wrong and up to the day after diagnosis almost three weeks later I was able to keep a smile on my face and not to get too emotional. Yesterday I was by myself in the office, and had to deal with a phone call from a screaming client, they were yelling at me for almost half an hour, and I know I have to go back and deal with them again. And I am totally unsure where to find the energy to manage it all together.

Runrcrb

Take it slow - this is the hardest time as there are lots of consults and decisions to make. You have time so don't let anyone rush you. You should be comfortable with your decision so don't let anyone force theirs on you. It's hard but try not to make surgical decisions based on short term needs (young children) as the decision is a long term one. And by the way, as a fit and active 55 year old woman at diagnosis, you will NOT be back to "normal" 2-3 weeks after a mastectomy. Talk to other women and the nurses, not just the surgeon when trying to understand recovery

JulieSim

Thank you Runrcrb,

Right now I am running - at work, at home, to my multiple appointments. I am overwhelmed, confused and I need time..

I am probably going to just take a few days off work. Take a deep breath. And make some decisions.

Thank you everyone, I find it so helpful being here and talking to you all.

beeline

Julie, one thing I would say about the recon decision is that you can always change your mind. I felt just like you — so overwhelmed and unsure what to do — and at the time they only thought I had a small tumor with no lymph involvement so would only need surgery and hormone therapy. I chose unilateral mastectomy with no recon because I wanted to be back on my feet fastest. Even though it turned out I needed chemo and rads it still feels like the right decision. I was able to get onto those treatments fast and rads can often screw up recon, esp implants. Anyway, now that I am through the other side I can still have the recon discussion.

As far as recovery, I hosted my daughter’s 5th birthday party 5 days after surgery. I probably shouldn’t have but my breast surgeon promised I’d be able to so I didn’t move it. I was back to work 2 weeks later but very very fatigued. I think you will definitely need help with baby care during that time, but you will bounce back quickly. Lots of people here talk about not needing their pain meds or only taking Tylenol — I definitely needed my pain meds! But not for very long. Keep asking questions and let us know how we can help.

JulieSim

Promising to be able to host a party 5 days after a surgery - wow. I feel they are trying to keep us all sane, bringing all this positivity and reassurance that cancer won't change our lives. It does change though.. I was told it's just a surgery, no rads, no chemo, but from being here i can see how many DCIS turned into rads and chemo. I know that no matter what it's just a chapter in my life and I will get through it, just wanna plan as much as I can. Beeline, your daughter will be proud of you when she is older.