How do you deal with all the offers of help?
Hi all,
I am wondering how you all graciously handle friends and family offers of help with food, house stuff, etc when you don't really need it. You see, I refuse to accept the persona of a sick person and if I can do for me and my family I want to do that. Part of it is because I want to keep life as normal for our 16 and 13 yr old kids and it is not normal to have people bringing food when their mom or dad are capable of doing it. Right after my surgery it was welcomed assistance but right now it is not and after I start chemo and see how that plays out, it may be welcomed again.
I am going to be stopping in to work this week and they have been after me to start bringing food over etc and I need a way to graciously tell them we are okay right now but will let them know when and if we are not. I so appreciate the offers and don't want to seem ungrateful at all so any advice on how you handle this would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Comments
-
Tell them exactly what you said here. "We are okay right now, but I will let you know when we need help and what you can do. We're trying to keep life as normal as possible for our kids." Maybe have a close co-worker or friend be the go-to person that will set up a meal train if there ever comes a time where you feel like you'd want people to help. My SIL set one up for me while I went through chemo. 2 meals per week. While it helped during chemo weeks, on the off weeks I felt guilty and that it was a bit overkill as I could have easily cooked myself. But people want to help, and it allowed us to spend time as a family, so I sucked it up and accepted the help. I know how hard it can be!
-
exactly what Fritzmylove said. People want to help. You want to retain as much normalcy as possible. Don’t feel guilty for saying no thanks but don’t feel guilty for accepting a meal or two - that could be time spent with your kids or simply reading the paper after a long day at work.
-
With random offers of help I said, "can I put you on my list of helpers and call you when i need something?" And then I did call!
-
I set up a meal train site while I'm in chemo for 2 meals a week. Otherwise I'd have 10 meals a week and we'd be throwing out more food than we ate! I'll take a break when I'm done with chemo and probably start it up again when I have surgery.
It's weird to accept so much help, but also people seem to really want to do it. At first I felt really guilty, like I didn't deserve it. Still not sure I "deserve" it, but will work on paying it back, or forward, or something, when I'm able.
-
Having a very close friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer prior to my diagnosis, I can attest to the fact that someone you care about letting you help makes you feel a lot better. It's actually generous to let people in.
-
Hi. I dont know if this works but I had 2 great helps. First, co workers paid for a maid service in lieu of food. This was awesome. It was just once a week for 3 hours. Second, I asked for foods to be frozen. Send them favorite recipes of your kids. Kids love it and it's easy to prepare when you need.
Good luck.
-
Thanks everyone. I guess instead of holding people off I just need to set something up with parameters to feel like I am in control of it all. I know my issues and control is a big one for me especially when there are so many things out of my control right now! Thanks again for the great advice.
Betsy
-
Betsy,
I will say there is a huge gift inside learning to let people help you. There was a lady in my Pilates class who offered like 5 times -- call if I needed anything, any help. She is someone I have never socialized with but who I have sweated next to for about 8 years and she's a sweet person and I like her. But certainly not the first person I'd call, as I don't *really* know her. Well, a few weeks ago I was about to travel for rads the next day and I went to pilates... she offered once again.... and so I said, "Hey, how about giving me a ride to the airporter bus tomorrow at 5:30?" She agreed immediately. And then in further convo, it became clear she thought I was asking for 5:30 am!! (OMG, I would NEVER!-- it was pm!). But what a lovely lovely feeling to have someone be so kind, even just thinking it was 5:30 am and immediately agreeing to help!! It was so sweet. People can be absolutely incredible, and you are about to find that out.... one of the silver linings of this disease, realizing how many people care and are there for you.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team