My husband is looking at porn.

Carol2018

hello. We have sex one or two times a week but it's not enough for him I think. He is watching porn. Physically I can't do the things he wants. It makes me feel inadequate but there are boundaries on what I can do, I love him but now I am finding he declines outings or excursions and is watching porn, while I am watching pbs upstairs. Makes me sad. Has anyone else encountered this?

Lula73

A lot of things come to mind reading your post. It could be that your DH is seeing you differently - maybe more fragile - than before. That can be a turnoff for many men if they think they’re going to hurt you. In this scenario there is nothing you did necessarily to make him seek out porn, he can’t help how his brain-body communication is going. The porn may be what’s helping him get physically aroused. Another scenario may be that he was watching porn all along and you didn’t realize. Take a good look at your sex life before bc and after... were you having sex more often than twice a week before and now it’s down to twice a week? If it’s roughly the same or more now, then it’s probably not that he wants more. Have you two ever watched porn together? That may be a pleasant surprise to him if you sat down with him and watched too and/or made suggestions about what you’d like to see/watch. It could be a whole new intimate avenue. You mention limitations to things you can do. I’m guessing these are physical limitations? If not, trying some new things that push your boundaries previously weren’t in your wheelhouse may be a good thing. Having a discussion about all thismay help. A great way to start the conversation would be, "Sweetheart, what are you watching?" In a very calm inquisitive manner and go from there.

blah333

This happens to couples who have no breast cancer issues at all. So I doubt it has anything to do with that. A LOT of men watch porn..... I would try not to take it too personally. When I was younger, (a TEEN) I did take it personally and felt bothered by porn but have since been with partners who watch it, but it's mostly entertainment for them. Men are more lighthearted about (orgasms) and enjoy more variety/novelty. Though it is interfering with your relationship/the time you spend together, that is more troubling. Maybe he is having a lull of boredom in his life. Do you enjoy sex? Is it fun for you? Not to pry.... it may be less about the boundaries you have (unless all you do is missionary penetration) but men can also tell if you're not truly enjoying whatever it is that you do. That can be a turn off. I'm not married, so I have no idea about long stretches of domesticity and being with someone, but I can't imagine it's easy. I just know a lot of men go through periods of restlessness even if they deeply love their partner. It doesn't mean you are so lacking or that he wants to be with someone else. Try not to feel so hurt.... Two times a week sounds pretty decent. Some couples only have sex like 2 times a month or every few months. Maybe he is just trying to make up for lack of other excitement and enjoyment in other areas of his life.

santabarbarian

Porn can be an escape. If there's a relationship to cancer, it may be escapism from the stress and concern of having a wife with a serious health issue. Maybe he can't imagine being rough with you, and roughness turns him on. Etc.

I had a weird spike in Testosterone around peri-menopause and for a few months I became a "guy" -- I was much MUCH more visual, noticing men, noticing their shoulders, their legs, and finding total strangers very arousing and sexy, just from their isolated body parts. I was like, OH!! This is how guys feel *all the time*!! I'm talking men pumping gas next to me or behind the counter at the deli, strangers. So try not to take visual stimulation personally. BUT do talk to him about it, if it is a new behavior that he seems to be using to self-medicate because it might help him to share what he's escaping from, and it might help him to know you want to please him and meet his needs.