Accepting Help

kber

I’m not good at asking for or accepting help.  Cancer has been an exercise in learning to
accept being less self sufficient, and I kinda hate it. 

It’s a combination of not wanting to feel weak and, less
admirably on my part, not wanting to be beholden.  Cancer has made me confront some less than
awesome things about myself, namely that prior to this experience, I really had
no concept of what others in my situation needed, and was consequently pretty
bad at giving it.  I was the one who
would mumble “Hey, if you need anything, let me know”.  I’ve since learned that this is probably one
of the least helpful phrases someone can offer. 
So based on my past behavior, what right to I have to accept help and
support?  What have I done to deserve
this outpouring from my friends and my community that I have received? The honest answer: not nearly enough.

I don’t think I was a terribly selfish person.  Just busy and maybe somewhat clueless.  And now I am confronted by the burning need,
the requirement, to do and be better. 
It’s daunting, not because it is so difficult, but because it’s so much
easier than I would have imagined, which leaves me with zero excuses.

Now, I’ll give myself a pass while I’m in active
treatment.  This isn’t the time to go running
around playing Mother Theresa or a anything. 
But the debt is piling up and I have a lot of ground to make up.  It’s too late to pay if forward, so I’ll have
to settle for paying it back.

Man, this whole “confronting your own mortality” thing can
suck!

santabarbarian

kber, there will be spiritual growth for you in learning to be in a "one down" position.

I think it goes to the heart of whether we were care-taken as kids in a pure, easy way, or whether there were strings attached to receiving care, or whether we were expected to soldier on by ourselves without care. It's deep patterning... but it can evolve and change.

I have a very close friend who got lung cancer 4 years ago. I was terrified she could die. I flew down and helped her after surgery and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. It was a gift to ME. People like pitching in when they love you!! (She is NED thanks to a biologic agent!)

One of my friends who helped me a lot when I was diagnosed found out she was stage 4 right around that same time. I was so moved by her thinking of me amidst the shitshow she was dealing with. She was incredibly supportive of me... little gifts on my porch, notes of encouragement, etc. There she was grappling with her own diagnosis and still really came through for me..... So when she got painful feet from Xeloda I left furry slippers on her porch (I was in my bounced back time between chemos). It has made our friendship so much deeper to help one another.

A few people I did not know particularly well really stepped up and were so kind that it blew me away. Two of my hard core exercise buddies INSISTED on doing the same hikes w me through my treatment, even though I needed to rest a lot and it was much slower than our normal pace. That meant soooo much to me.

BTW you partially paid it forward if you said "LMK if I can help." I loved hearing that! I took people at their word and put them on a list -- and I damned well called them when stuff came up... like being driven somewhere or needing something at the market but being to pooped to go myself.

To me these are the sliver linings of having cancer. More empathy, more awareness, humility, and growth. And drawing closer to people and discovering their depth and worth.

We'll all be better caregivers going forward since we now know how much these things mean.

Mncteach

I understand where you are coming from. I always wanted to help, was hoping I did the right things and said the right things but now know it was not what is needed. I feel so selfish right now asking for that help that I desperately need and am even looking at a way I can pay it forward when this is done to help others. I think the best thing we can do is remember to be kind to ourselves and forgive those who can’t find the exact way to help. I will keep looking for ways to help others and remember this humbling experience we all call life. Sending love and healing prayers to all

Meow13

I found talking to others that have gone through this nightmare the best help for me. That is why I post.