The Cancer Conversation Landmines (for those who love us)

kber

After reading several “what to say and not to say to someone
with cancer” blogs and articles, I’ve decisively concluded that “it depends”.

Some folks can’t stand to hear that they look great.  Some welcome the compliment and
reassurance. 

Some don’t want to be told to "stay strong".  Some want you to say just that in solidarity.

Some say don’t ask nebulous “What can I do?” type questions,
while others need you to ask.

Some say – don’t ask, just do it.  Others (like me) say please ask before trying
to be helpful.

My own mother fretted that she “did everything wrong” after
I told her about my diagnosis when, in all honestly, I didn’t think so at all.

No, I don’t envy you at all. 
You want to be supportive, helpful, but every step, every sentence,
seems fraught.  And to be honest, I, real
live a cancer patient, don’t really know what to say either.  Hey - maybe it’s ok to admit that there’s really
nothing to say in the end that can make things better and it’s unrealistic to
think you can. 

But I know you want to do and say the right thing, so here’s
my 2 cents added to the already big pile.

It really does depend. 

It depends on how well you know me.  I’ve had a close friend tell me I looked like
crap on a day I felt like crap and far from being insulting, it completely validated
how I felt.  But if we aren't close, maybe that’s not your best opening line.

It depends on whether you can really help.  A friend organized meals for the next three
months, all in the background and with minimal input from me or my family.  Awesome! 
I’m having trouble remembering my own middle name these days (chemo brain
in real), so organizing assistance is beyond my ken.  If you have an idea of how to help, offer it
up!  Pride has been one of the first
things to go.  However, if you can’t (we
all have lives, after all) that’s totally 100% ok.  Really it is. 
I understand.  I promise! 

It depends on the day. 
Sorry – I know that makes things harder, but that’s the truth.  Post chemo, all I need and want is to be able
to sleep.  I can’t meet for a quick cup
of coffee “just to get out”, discuss the book you lent me, or really even keep
my head up.  By the end of the week, I
can.  But that’s just for now.  In two months I’ll be done with chemo and on
to surgery, radiation, or even another round of chemo with different drugs and
different side effects.  I don’t know
what I’ll be like.  Believe me, I wish I
did.

It depends on my mood. 
If you’re astute or lucky enough to read me right, you might know just
when I need to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and when I just need a hug.  Good luck and if you figure it out, clue me
in.

See – landmines everywhere.

So let’s make a deal.

If you promise to try your best to be sensitive and
supportive, I’ll try mine to take what you say in the spirit in which it is
intended.  I’ll remember that you love
me, that you are trying to help, that you want to make me feel better and that
you hate what’s happening to me. 

I promise to remember that I love you too, that no one knows
what to say really, that the right thing today can rub me the wrong way
tomorrow and it’s not your fault.  It’s
cancer’s fault.  Fuck cancer.  Let’s agree on that.

Janetanned

Wow! Brilliant! You hit the nail on the head! Can I copy and print this for future use?

mistyeyes

kber - I totally agree with you. Even when I am talking to myself, I am not sure what to say lol.

kber

Hi Jane - yes of course!

santabarbarian

sooooo true!!

one more:

Some people want to hear "You've got this! You're going to beat this!" and other people want someone to acknowledge the reality of all the long term unknowns.

NotVeryBrave

Amen to all!

Person to person, day to day - it's a real challenge. And no one is perfect in their statements or actions or reactions.

CFKelly

Bravo!  This is exactly it. 

I do try to view what people say thru the lense of assuming positive intent.  I am also reminding myself to not get too mad at the people who don’t know what to say or do so they have disappeared.  Everyone can’t always be there.  

Oya80

This post is spot on!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

And cfkelly.. I can so relate to trying not to get mad at those that've disappeared. One of my best friends hasn't checked on me, called or texted in over a month. but then she mentions another friend that she hasn't heard from me! .. some folks don't get it.. sometimes you get tired of being the strong one & being there for everyone else.

Flynn

This is so true! My sister was diagnosed a few years before me and we had totally different ways of responding to bc and support meant very different things to each of us. This really applies to many life challenges.

kber

Yep - I go back to "it depends"!  And I know I'm not easy to deal with right now, so I am trying to be patient and forgiving.  But NOT at the expense of my own mental, physical or psychic reserves.  I had to politely throw someone out of my house this weekend because I was exhausted and needed to rest.  Well, actually, I invited my unexpected guest to stay and hang out with the cats if she wanted to, but made it clear after 30 minutes or so that I was going to take a nap.  And yes, in my depleted and nauseous state, I was annoyed that she stopped in unannounced on my "bad" day.   Now that I've recovered somewhat, I'm more ready to admit that my friend was trying to be considerate - she just needed some guidance from me on what "considerate" looked like in that moment.  

We are going to meet up for a cup of tea later in the week on one of my "good" days and all is well. 

I've also been a little surprised by some close friends, people who I think I've "been there" for in the past, who are not present.  (Or, I've been surprised when I'm well enough to notice, anyway.)  But not everyone is good at this whole "dealing with a sick friend" thing.  I told a friend recently that right now, while I'm literally fighting for my very life, my world had shrunk and I just don't have the extra space or capacity I used to have to care about extraneous things.  When I'm better, my world will expand again and I hope that some of the friends who have dropped out of my immediate world will have their space again.  Or not.  Life is a journey and nothing stays the same forever.  

beach2beach

LOVE IT!!!!