Scared and Sad, does it get any better

Tough40

Hello, I am 43, was diagnosed with Triple Negative Stage 4 BC last April. I have been fighting cancer since I was 36, diagnosed with Stage. I often think of suicide if it weren't for my children aged 4 and 7. I am married but this disease has killed our relationship. I have been dealing with cancer for the last 7 years and am at the end of my rope. I heard it gets better. How long do I have to live? Please help me.

Parrynd1

Tough40 sorry to have you here in our shitty boat, but at least we aren’t alone. I can’t promise things get better, but I can share my own thoughts and feelings towards my stage 4 TN diagnosis journey. It’s been almost a year since the stage 4 journey started and it was very dark and terrible and sad and I was full of anger. I’m still angry and sad and scared, but I’ve come to see that life doesn’t stop because of this. I can choose to stop and I can choose to stop participating in my life, but that feels like a waste for me. Plus every day I’m alive is a big f u to cancer so there’s that. It also is nice to give my family warning that I might die sooner than later which is more than many people get. I’ve stopped waiting for the right time to enjoy life and while I’m not careless I’m not waiting for retirement to have fun and enjoy simple stuff as corny as that sounds. My quality of life is pretty good so that’s a big plus. Again I can’t say it gets better with certainty for you because that would make me psychic, but you can choose to make it better. It won’t happen in a day or month most likely and I’m not saying I’ve perfected anything. I still cry when I see old people and wonder how you actually live to get grey hair. I struggle, but I try really hard not to waste whatever time I have to enjoy with those that I love. Some people don’t even live as long as me. Some have worse disabilities that mean a lifetime of living with. Those things bring me perspective and help get my head straight usually. No one knows how long you have to live and just because you have cancer doesn’t mean that’s what will off you in the end. Anything can happen at any time and that includes positive stuff your world might be rocked right now but you can learn to enjoy it just like you’ve learned anything else in your time here so far. I know I can sound grossly positive sometimes, but most of my life has been one big sad story with 2 big positives (my husband and my chosen family in recent years). You don’t usually get to chose the situation you’re in but you can chose how you go about being in it. Sorry for the long rant. Hugs sister and I hope you feel better even if it’s not today.

santabarbarian

Parrynd1, that is very good advice and a beautiful perspective. We do not get to choose what happens to us but we do get to choose our own attitude and responses. I too see people with rotten medical disabilities, and kids with horrid diseases and find perspective there. If some people get cancer, I am sure glad it was me, and not one of my kids.

Tough40, a piece of advice I got from a friend of mine who is living well with stage 4 lung cancer (immunotherapy working) told me to fix my mind on what my purpose is, and why I want to be alive, and what I want to do. And inch towards whatever goals I feel are important and keep my eyes on the next horizon.

Is your daily life ok? Are your SEs ok? Can anything be done to make your daily life a little easier? Also, is there a support group for stage 4 women in your town? Can you imagine a project or a plan or a trip that would give you energy and pleasure to anticipate? An old friend to visit for a long weekend? Perhaps there is a counselor or social worker where you are being treated who can plug you in to resources for you?

Meanwhile, I stand in admiration for the fight you have waged so far. Many, many times I have thought, "I don't know how people with little kids do this." It is so hard to manage this illness and have energy left over to care for anyone else, or do anything else. You are doing something extremely hard-- everyone on this forum knows it. Please remember to pat yourself on the back for what you have done so far!!

I am so sorry you are feeling low. You have a right to feel low. On the other hand, you have the right to claim pleasure and happiness wherever it can be found. I wish you a good day with rest and laughter!!

Tough40

Thank you.

santabarbarian

You are welcome. Sending a (((((hug))))).

PS: the thing that has lifted my mood the most was adopting two kittens during chemo. It's hard to be downhearted while watching two goofy kittens go nuts and chase one another around then collapse into slumber all knotted up together.

Kittens are not too hard to care for if you have two, to keep one another busy!

Your kids might like it too!

Salamandra

santabarbarian, what a wonderful idea! kitten therapy! I'll add that if someone isn't ready for the long term commitment, there are often cat rescues in need of temporary foster homes for kittens until they can be adopted.

Parrynd1

Good advice indeed. It helps to focus on today and right now instead of the future. I took up painting and it helped me take my mind off of things when I couldn’t seem to turn it around myself. Finding something new to enjoy or keep you busy I think is helpful

Tough40

Thank you for all your helpful responses. I am in therapy trying to focus on the now and have all the right tools at my disposal to move towards a more peaceful and mindful attitude. I am struggling this is true but I am hopeful. Unfortunately I am allergic to cats so my dog will have to do

Thank you for all your comments, I didnt know where to turn for help in a difficult moment, I feel my support system around my is strained.

Parrynd1

I’m glad you are reaching out. This is an incredibly difficult thing to go through no matter the stage. It’s nice to also have this site and these people be there for you as another kind of support system. Dogs are great!!! I have 3 and sometimes they are all the therapy I need, not always, but they sure do help. Hug

santabarbarian

Tough40, are there people who have offered support in the past when you needed less? Maybe there are some friends who think you have things more "handled" than you do. I hope you focus on building up the amount of support you are getting, because that is important to stress and health. Keep us in the loop.

Flynn

I’m sorry that you’re having such a rough time. I hope that you’re therapy helps you find a better path forward. I have 2 children (a couple years older than yours) but I find that while they are my biggest motivation, they also are exhausting when you’re dealing with very stressful situations. Trying to maintain an even keel for them can be so hard. I hope that you are able to get some time to unwind on your own. Definitely let us know how you’re doing and feel free to pop into the TN thread if you haven’t already.

yellowdoglady

Tough40, I think the place to start is with orienting yourself so you value yourself. We all have a bit of that process where we decide what to spend or waste our time on, and you just need to put yourself at the front of that line. A lot of us don't do that, and should. If there are things you want, prioritize them. Making cotton candy on the stove (who thinks that's a good idea?) needs to be on or off the list. Doing things that warm and satisfy you should be up top. My stepsis rocked Stage IV for seven years, so don't assume a shelf date for yourself. Set those goals as you go, and be very kind to yourself. Hugs to you!

santabarbarian

tough40 Let us know how its going! xxoo