Did you tell your kids?

msminnie73

Not diagnosed, but having a lumpectomy next month. Been dealing with on/off bloody nipple discharge and non-mass enhancements on MRI for last 2 years.

Raising my nephew. He’s 14. Should I tell him? He will be in school during my surgery, but should I let him know? Did you tell or not tell your kids? What were the pros and cons?

Salamandra

I'm a child of a mother who died from breast cancer (diagnosed during my adolescence, died when I was 20) and now a teacher who works with teenagers. I don't have children of my own, but I spend a lot of time with teens, many of whom have experienced significant traumas of their own and are being raised in kinship situations like yours. I hope this is useful.

I think it's very important to tell him. Kids are actually very sensitive to what is going on with the grownups who take care of them, whether they can put things into words or not. It is survival instincts. Putting such a big secret between him and you, it is terrifying for a child. The tendency is often to blame themselves - I'm a bad kid, she doesn't trust me, etc, - and to distance and look for closeness outside the family, which sadly can lead to dangerous 'friendships'.

Fourteen is definitely old enough to have some understanding and to *want* to be of service and support. It's still on you as the parent to share with him in developmentally appropriate ways and to respect boundaries, but I think it's much better to bring him in than to push him out.

When I told my high school students about going out on medical leave for treatment, I made sure I was in a positive frame of mind myself, focused on the good things (taking care of myself, getting the care I need, this is routine for the doctors, it's planned leave not an emergency) and told them what I expected from them (be good, be kind, get their education).

In terms of feeling useful, I think that a 14 year old is in a great position to offer superficial in home physical support (getting you glasses of water, carrying thing for you, etc) and directed limited emotional support (e.g., he can offer lots of hugs, but better not to turn to him for venting/emotional conversations about your own feelings and fears). It's such a transitional age though, and some would be ready and want to be more involved, and some are really still children (whom I think still need to be involved, but as children). For example, for some kids this age, it would relieve a lot of anxiety to go with you to a chemo/radiation appointment and they would feel better. For some kids, it would be distressing and completely unhelpful. You know him best.

My main advice though would be to avoid secrets. Boundaries are healthy and appropriate but secrets are toxic. So be thoughtful about what/when/how you share with him, but do share with him.

MelissaDallas

I think I would keep the information very minimal until after I had the results back from my biopsy, especially considering that so far your testing/biopsy has been negative for anything but benign papilloma. What do you know to tell him at this point?

betterdazeahead

Well said Salamandra!!!!

I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old. We are very open with them just as we always want them to be open with us. So when I started this journey in Nov having a MRI, finding out the next day they were worried I could have cancer, to the biopsy and then learning for a fact it is cancer. We guided them softly as to what was happening, allowing them to be able to ask any questions they may have and helping them feel like we want them knowing what is occurring, we want them included and to feel they are included. 

This may not be for everyone but in my opinion at 14 your nephew is old enough to understand and I would think it would be helpful for him to be let into what is going on - kids are pretty smart and pick up on changes. My advice is be open and honest with him in a soft way - you know him best to be able to tell him how it works for your family and him.  

I can tell you here being open and honest so far on this journey has been bringing everyone closer together.

((((((HUGS))))))) 

el7277

My daughter is 12 I was diagnosed before Christmas, first chemo 12/9. I am stage one her2 triple positive so the road is long. Adjuvant chemo', surgery and then radiation. In January I expanded on the fact that I was not feeling well, that I had something growing in my breast and that I would be fine but have a long road to get there. She knows that I am often tired...especially after work and while I have not used the word cancer, she knows what is going on. She helped me select a wig but is otherwise the self-absorbed 13 year old she was before and knows she can ask whatever she wants...which so far is nothing. Telling her I would be ok was something I said right off the bat so she trusts in that and we move on. I notified her school and made guidance counselor and teachers aware just in case they see anything concerning but she seems aok.

OTMom

My kids are 10 and 12. We told them the day after I got my diagnosis. It was hard, but it also felt important for them to have all the information. I've seen them trying to figure things out when we're not open and honest with them. It scares them more to not know. When they can sense that something is wrong (and my son senses this shockingly quickly) but don't have the information their brains fill stuff in. In the case of my anxious 10 year old, that can get ugly pretty quickly. Both of them were scared at the word cancer but were very reassured even by the limited information we could give that early. We have kept them up to date as the information has come in and they've handled it well. We also made sure some key people at school knew, which has been helpful. It felt important to me that they feel free to ask questions and not have any sense of shame or embarrassment about it so that they could also get the support they needed. I couldn't have hidden my surgery or the intensity of my fatigue from treatment, so I wanted to make sure that they had the information, tools, and support to be as OK as possible through all of this.

Misha13

Thanks for sharing all! I’m going to give you the reasons why we DIDNT tell our 13 year old son. Our son has Autism and has emotional problems because of it; he perseverates on things and becomes “stuck” on thoughts and memories. Like many have mentioned, being truthful is very important, but we have told our son that I have “menopause” and that I took medication that made me sick and my hair to fall out. Then we told him I had breast surgery like on the tv show Botched!

He has accepted this and understands that mom is sick, but not that mom could die. I am certain if we told him cancer, that would be the case. Basically, tell your child what is developmentally appropriate for your child, even it means changing your diagnosis or treatments a bit!

WC3

I don't have kids but I have a 5 and 8 year old nephew and neice. They knew something was up so I told them I had cancer and explained what it is and that I was going to be given medication to treat it that might make me bald. They were fine with it.

msminnie73

Salamandra ... thanks so much for sharing. I, too, am a teacher and work with so many kids who have those traumatic backgrounds.

Sometimes I lose sight that my own is one of those kids.

Thank you all so much for the advice to tell or not to tell.

I did end up telling him. I kept it as simple as possible. After all, I’m hoping that this procedure leads to just a benign papilloma. I didn’t want to frighten him anymore than I needed to.

My lumpectomy is scheduled for Feb. 15. I’m just now getting a case of the nerves. This will be only my second surgery in my life. I suppose I should check out a few posts on what to expect after the procedure

Once again thank you so much. Blessings to you all

bcincolorado

It is a personal decision on telling or not. I chose not to tell anyone until after biopsy confirmed diagnosis. My lumpectomy was outpatient and I could have easily hidden from my kids since they were grown and not at home but did tell them. Mine were upset I did not tell them before when I first had biopsy done even. Blessings and may you be able to get clean margins first time out.