Need help on when to tell my children

Toyamjj

Just diagnosed on January 8th and I haven't told my children (19 & 16) yet, my husband of course knows and is just following my lead, Everything seems to be moving along fairly quickly and I'm scheduled for a lumpectomy on Jan 23. Currently no node activity however during surgery they will remove one or more nodes for testing. From what they see so far they are recommending what they called "The standard of care" which is lumpectomy followed by 6 weeks of radiation as long as my genotype test comes back low. Anyway lol back to my children, I originally thought it would be a good idea to wait till after the surgery so I knew for sure what the treatment would be but now I'm feeling like I'm betraying my children by not telling them yet, they wouldn't even know I was going into surgery. Im starting to feel that they are owed that right. On one hand it seems reassuring for them that if they have a question I can answer it because i'lll have all the facts, where as if I tell them now ill just be giving them the best case scenario which is what I described earlier. From one mother to another what advice do you have for me.

rrshannon

@Toyamjj so sorry to hear that you are having to start this journey. When I was first diagnosed in 2003 my children were 1, 10, and 12. We told our older two after a positive surgical biopsy that didn't have clear margins. Which was 1 week before the Sentinel Node Biopsy.

Fast forward to last month and I had to tell them the horrible news that I had a new cancer. Now 17, 26 and 28 I wanted to tell them all together with my husband. Their work schedules and the fact that my husband works out state did not make that possible. I had to tell my husband over the phone but then proceeded to visit each older child on the same day to break the news and ended the day with my 17 year old daughter and having to tell her. Though it was hard for me to give the news multiple times it was nice to be able to spend time with each child and answer his or her different questions. Since they each process news differently.

Good Luck with your treatment, wishing you complete healing.

Toyamjj

@rrshannon Im so sorry to hear about the new cancer and thank you for responding, clearly I'm losing sleep tonight worrying about this. So it feels good being able to talk to someone about it. I feel extra bad now because my daughters away in college so it'll def have to tell her over the phone. ugh my poor girl is going to be so worried for me, I so want to protect my children from this but thats just realistic and I sound so silly.

gb2115

I was in college when my mother was diagnosed. I happened to be home for vacation. I think I would have been upset had they concealed it from me (which they unsuccessfully tried to do). I guess it depends on your kids.

Sorry about your diagnosis. :-(

Ingerp

It makes a big difference in how you present it. In 2016 I told my kids I had "a little breast thing" going on, but that it would be treated and I'd be fine. This time I told them it was a little more intense than last time, but also that I'd be fine. If you stay light about it your kids won't get too scared.

DATNY

I disclosed to them immediately. 11, 15 and 17. It was during summer, and my oldest went to college in fall. Mine was more advanced so my message was something along the line "whatever happen to me don't use it at an excuse not to do well in life", and "while I hope for the best, it is hard to tell the outcomes and you might need to be prepared to be more independent sooner than planned".

I just wanted them to fully understand all possible consequences and be prepared. I considered this is best for them and that they deserve to be aware.They took it very seriously, and excelled in school and extra-curricular activities, the only thing they could control at this time in terms of their future. First two are boys, the youngest us daughter.

keepthefaith

toyamji, It's hard no matter what and it's not silly to feel like you want to protect your kids at all. When I told my 30 yr old son it was super-hard and I did feel a sense of guilt putting that burden on them. My DD is a nurse and she found out by accident, over-heard a phone conversation...But, once we got thru that hurdle, they were there for me and provided me great support along the way. Of course, when they are younger, it is different. Speak in terms that are easy for them to understand and not go into too much detail...but, I think they do need to know. You will be surprised what a weight it lifts and how much love and support they will give you. Receive it and be good to yourself. When we are parents, it's hard to turn that "caregiver" role around. . Lessons learned.

DATNY, great advice!

rrshannon

@Toyamjj sorry you are having to tell you college daughter over the phone. I feel a lot of time for me at least it is easier to go through the treatment than walk along side a loved one going through treatment. Which unfortunately I have had to do.

For my first time when my kids were younger, the new their great grandmother had recently passed from cancer a few years before. Since I was stage 1 and not stage 4 I told my kids that I was going to easily beat this and not to fear I was going to die from my cancer as did their great grandmother. Maybe this was for my affirmation

mountainmama406

Kids are more aware than we give them credit for too. Mine are 3 and 5, so teenagers might be different with having more in their lives to focus on. My 5yo knew my attitude was different while I was waiting on results and told her the five year old version of mom needing surgery/being away. I think you’ll feel better telling them and allow to process some beforehand surgery. Kinda like husbands, even though it’s not happening to I think them the more they are included the more they can be helpful

Skygirl44

I was DX in November and my daughter (20) was away at college too. I waited until I had the biopsy results and surgery date planned. I also texted her first to ask if we could have a private chat a bit later on the phone since she lives in a Sorority House. (To make sure she had the privacy she needed). I was able to have a one on one with my son (18) and answer any questions he might have since he would be at home when I was receiving the treatments. I just found it to be better to be as honest as you can with them and then they can let you know how much more info they might like? They just want to know you are going to be ok❤️ Sending good thoughts your way...

CFKelly

Interestingly enough, I had the opposite problem.  I didn’t want to tell my parents.  My mom was having her own health crisis when I was diagnosed for one and my older brother died when he was 39 and that was horrible on them.  Still is.  I didn’t want to burden them with it.  Ultimately, my mom was there when my surgeon called and she found out that way.  

Flynn

My sons were 6 yo when I was diagnosed, so I personally had a different situation.

My mil was diagnosed when my dh was in grad school (early-mid 20's). She did not tell him or his siblings until after mastectomy & rads. Dh accepts that it was her choice to make but it's the 1st thing he and his 3 siblings mention when they talk about her 1st bout with bc. I would say that to this day, they wonder if she's being upfront when medical issues arise. Just another perspective for you to consider. Best wishes, whatever you do.

BrinkOfEternity

As a daughter I can tell you first hand that when I found out my mother was going into surgery for ovarian cancer in my 20s, I was horrified that I didn’t even get to talk to her before the surgery. I was told she had just gone in. I panicked throughout the surgery time wondering whether I would ever see her again, what the outcome was, what stage her cancer was in... everything. Thankfully the surgery was successful but I wish I could have been there for her before the surgery.

As a mother I told my 4-year-old about my surgery and assured her that I would be home soon etc. Her concern and desire to help me feel better (“no running into mommy!”)has been comforting. If anything she feels empowered when she’s helping me get something or when she remembers not to jump around mommy.