1471
Today I noticed that there are 1470 (so very sad) subjects in the forum titled "Emotional Crises: Anxiety, Depression and Other Emotional Effects". I'm calling this topic.....simply '1471". 😢 Many of the subjects already touch and overlap. I am just one more voice.....like a drowning victim way, way out in the water. I'm still fighting.....but it's getting tough. I'm getting tired.
4 weeks ago today.....I was taken to hospital for attempted suicide. Since cancer...I am "all over the map"...with moods and emotions...up and down....well, then unwell.....pain and suffering has been chronic, physically and emotionally since my bmx (18 months of treatment, chemo, radiation, herceptin and hysterectomy). I am so foul that I frighten myself from time to time. My frustrations since diagnosis in August of 2014 have been more than I can admittedly manage on my own. If someone doesn't help me....I fear I will not survive.
I DO ASK FOR HELP. I AM STILL ASKING FOR HELP!
But, for instance, my oncologists at Juravinski in Hamilton, Ontario appeared offended and put off by my CLEAR MENTAL INSTABILITY. They recommended that I speak with their staff psychiatrist for PTSD...which I did...who prescribed a drug called Clonazepam.....and after 9 days my family realized that I was "absent" but present, sort to speak! As though sleep walking for days....absolutely no memory "of being" during that time. Driving a motor vehicle....caring for young children....sedated? The psychiatrist said "well, that's certainly not the effect we were aiming for" and laughed while I sobbed. Laughed! Have I become a joke? Is this funny?
Since cancer diagnosis/treatment....I have NOT been me. I am ANGRY. My (adopted at birth) children were 9 and 11 when I was diagnosed. We were a happy, strong, youthful family. Now, my family members have one by one, left me. Starting with my mother, who during treatment described me as "ungrateful". My alcoholic sister, who described my journey as "exaggerated and self centered". My step son who will no longer speak to me described me as toxic....but not until AFTER he took more than 50k from us.. A couple (not all) of my friends call me volatile and most recently...my little girl (freshly 14/Nov) has begun to threaten suicide of her own, been admitted to the psych ward 4 times this month and will NOT come back home. She will not be here for Christmas. 😟
MY child tells me she hates me, hates our life and would rather live with....you guessed it....my sister! Who has not seen her or any of us....since my cancer treatments 3 years ago. I've been in counselling to deal with the rejection of my loved ones during cancer. It hurt more than anything else. I loved those women so very much. My daughter tells me that my sister understands her and takes better care of her. She bought her a phone, is allowing her to skip school and hang out with her boyfriend and no need to come get her clothes....her Aunt bought new stuff for her! Pizza and video game heaven! SUPER FUN! While her father, brother and i must now attend family counselling to deal with so juc loss and pain! I didn't even know she had a boyfriend...until someone stole our brand new vehicle...a 14 year old drug dealer and his 16 year old brother. Ah, the Romeo to her Juliette! So proud? I'm mad as hell! The police tell me it is 'typical teenage rebellion". They have...no clue.
Don't even get me started on mommy dearest- she stole my daughter in the first place and told my child "we missed you so badly...but your mother/aka me is crazy and would not let us see you all these years". NOT TRUE and my daughter knows it is not true. My daughter is a child! Family and children's services had to get involved because after they (Romeo, Juliette and his big brother/aka someone to reach the pedals?) stole our vehicle....the police wanted to bring her home but she said "I can't go home....um, um....my father BEATS ME' I know my rights!. Dad was cleared of these allegations almost immediately....but she could have caused so much trouble for us with her lies! He is our ONLY source of income and he works with children in healthcare! I have no job and no money because my rich mother convinced me to give up a federal job and pension after 24 years of service and accept her "living will and annual inheritance gift of CASH EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" My grandfather left commercial property to her...he inherited it from his mother...and my sister and i would inherit ot next. But not me anymore! Yep, mom had to stop giving money to an ungrateful woman/aka ME and my family during cancer treatment because I was just not as faithful as my sister. Gon doesn't want me to have the money? Wtf?
I have tried everything I can think of....my life is HELL. Happy, sad, confused, rage, remorse, shame....repeat. 4 years of AGONY and TRY-SO-HARD-TO-BE-HAPPY!
What....happened....to.....the me, who used to be? SINCE CANCER MY WORLD HAS FALLEN TO PIECES...UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ME. TWILIGHT ZONE! And I am seriously losing my mind!
I repel everyone and I don't know why? Except that it appears that my pain is ANNOYING TO THEM? Experts want to refer me to someone else....NOT THEIR JOB! Cancer hospital is only interested in seeing me for brief "how ya doin....don't you look pretty today?" checks at 6 month intervals....in and out...with many "you should talk to your family doctor about that" statements. Family doctor says she has 10 minutes to listen but 20 patients to see and does not wish to fall behind. Everyone refers me to support groups or recommends counselling which do NOT help. I've tried. I think I depress the counsellers! I am lost among people WITH CANCER OR WITHOUT. I fit nowhere!
In retrospect....I wish I did NO TREATMENTS OR SURGERIES to survive breast cancer. My 10 year survival rate was 30% AFTER BMX. After treatments, it became 70%. With an AI it could be.....85%!...but those drugs make me EVEN WHACKIER so I do not take them. I wish I had just died.....as me....on my own terms....surrounded by (real or imagined) loved ones and Santa Claus...and maybe Elvis too! You see.....I suppose these people always 'had nasty in them".....but i didnt see it and i preferred it that way...to this way! My children would have remembered a beautiful mom.....not this witch. The HATE I feel from others is palpable. My sister for instance....hates me perhaps, the most. Although, my brother in law did tell me that, during cancer treatment (chemo, rads, herceptin, bilateral mastectomy and hysterectomy) I "ignored his children for the better part of one year".....what the actual heck? I have lost my mind OR everyone else on the plant seems to have gone bonkers? I appear to be the common denominator....so it must be me! Even my doctors dislike me....too many pesky questions.....I'm a talker!
The worst part of this has been......STIGMA, SUPPOSITION AND JUDGEMENT. I can see that my personality is full of pain, needy, pleading, afraid. Yes, since cancer....I do have PTSD diagnosis as well. And other than telling me to try yoga or CBD OILS.....i'm screwed!
This support forum website has been the ONLY small comfort I have known throughout these past 4 years. I need you. I did end up in the psych ward myself, after my overdose attempt. I attempted suicide....with my children at home and not in their beds! They were awake and they watched me taken by ambulance/husband called 911. I was sick with shame. My world WILL END if someone doesn't help me....to help myself. I WILL PAY MONEY FOR THE BEST HELP I CAN GET....I'LL MORTGAGE MY HOME IF I HAVE TO. I just want to quiet this rage...and fear....and confusion.....ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
1471......I am definitely NOT ALONE IN MY PAIN. So what are we going to do about this? Is there something already available that I haven't considered? Tell me your thoughts.....please let me lean on you for support YET AGAIN. And maybe we will find a way to help all of us? I want to believe in the power of humanity......but I am waivering. I am drowning.
Comments
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PA- It’s been a little bit since I logged on, but I came across your post and can hear you screaming into the void. I don’t have answers or even suggestions. I can offer support. I remember a thread a while back where we were all lamenting our teenagers/ young adult children and their bad choices/ relationships/ struggles. Wish I could remember where.The good news is that for the majority, things turned out okay in the long run. Even for me. I dropped out at 15, left Home at 16, didn’t talk to my mother for years. Now, so many years later, she comes and visits once a week and we go out shopping. And believe me, she sure as heck isn’t/ wasn’t mother of the year!
Just saying there is hope. And that teenagers mess us up! I’m sorry you’re struggling, I’ve been down some pretty dark holes myself before, it sucks when you can’t see how things will get better. I hope you find some peace and the support you need.
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PerAugusta,
I had to walk away from a religion that was toxic to my soul, I walked away from all but one of my birth family, because they were toxic to my soul... and my firstborn was so difficult at the 14-16 yr stage. It can get better. The only advice I have is what worked for me. I learned how to detach from his decisions... I basically threw it back at God and said "He's really your child, I'm not doing a great job... so I need you to step in while I bow out." Once I removed myself from mentally owning his behavior and let go of all the dreams I knew he was capable of, Something changed. I seriously let go of every dream I had my for child. I figured he'll end up where he ends up and reminded myself that 100 years ago, 14 year olds left home to go apprentice on ships or runaway and get married. We parent these teens when truly they would have been considered adults 100 years ago. I just stopped being attached to his outcome, I let go and stopped thinking of him as 'my child' and more of 'a soul who was born in our family, but is God's child, not mine." It helped me gain perspective.
And miraculously, he pulled through when I let go... he did it all on his terms and was defiant if I ever tried to say anything helpful... but he's 18 now and been accepted to the dream school and is going into the dream profession (the dream I let go for him 4 years ago). It's like as long as I was on the one pushing him, he purposely failed.. but when I let go... he figured things out.
My only advice is to let go of all of it.. and just find comfort with those who love and accept you. -
PerAugusta - I'm sorry to hear you are not doing well mentally. Cancer is a challenge for all of us, and dealing with family can be one of the hardest parts. It sounds like your family is tougher to deal with than most. I know you're in Canada, but I feel like in the US there is this total cult of positivity, and if you admit you're feeling down, people will either flee or blame you for creating problems. It's like there's something wrong with being unhappy sometimes. And I think that culture of blame and treating people like there's something wrong with them or they're damaged for feeling how they feel just causes the person to feel isolated and more down. But I think being unhappy is a normal part of life and sometimes that's just how you feel.
That being said, I think you're beyond the point of just being unhappy sometimes and frankly I don't know how to fix your problems. Just know that I recognize the fact that you're feeling low and I don't think it's your fault. You are, however, the only person who can fix it.
I agree with Cpeachymom that your daughter will probably come around with time. Teenagers can be little sociopaths. It's a time of rapid mental development and a lot of other changes that they do not have the skills to cope with. Sometimes their egos outpace their empathy and it takes a few years for empathy to catch up, and in the meantime they act very selfishly and compulsively. But most of these kids settle down eventually and turn our alright. And keep in mind that your daughter didn't ask for any of this either and is probably having just as hard of a time dealing with it as you are, but that's manifesting itself differently for her. Even though things seem really really bad right now, they will eventually get better. It may take several years for things to play out with your daughter, but hang in there.
As for your family and lack of support, they might come around someday, but more likely you're going to have to build a new support system. This will take a while as well, but like I said, hang in there. Even though things seem really bad right now and like they won't get better, there is a better future in store for you - but you have to still be alive to get to that future! Hold onto that thought when you're feeling really low.
In the meantime, I understand that you're in a lot of pain but I don't think there's going to be a quick fix here if you've already tried medications, etc. You probably didn't fall into this pit of despair overnight and you're not going to come out of it overnight. Try to keep good nutrition and get exercise. It won't make everything better but exercise and getting outside has always taken the edge off for me, and any improvement is better than nothing! Coming to this board was a move in the right direction also. I think making some new connections and looking for support outside your family and the medical community is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
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"And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day"
Your words....your comments.....your strength is helping. I feel empowered by your support. I am growing! I feel assisted by the addition of resources/ideas/thoughts....I am trying so hard to replenish what has been lost. But I think this site may be my greatest form of support....a lifeline I need to maintain until I am strong enough to take my baby steps outside of this forum. I appreciate the intelligent minds and logical thought process. I need a plan....and I am wise enough to admit that my own ideas are NOT WORKING. I appreciate your kid hearts.
I need your thoughts....suggestions....NO SUCH THING AS A BAD POST. Only poor interpretations. I am wise enough to ask....why, how, when....before I decide anything or choose to feel offended....ever. My background is law....I issued binding, federal appeal/legislative decisions. I judged! I did this with transparency and impartiality....as i was trained. AND I took NOTHING personally. Not from strangers. Perhaps another 'helpful tip" for me, if you read between those lines....is to remember to apply this same logic....lower the bar.....and any expectations for loved ones.
Maybe.....time to unconditionally love....MYSELF! And my husband ad my son.
I am dealing with so much rage. I feel like I have toooooooo much on my plate. I feel so much hatred towards my mother and sister.....I mirror and mimic their animal, petty, spoiled behaviour! I do need to remove myself from their toxic affect upon me.....but they have my baby! I want to scream "give her back!' It all hurts so much........But step one....must be....has to be....let her go. 😢 Let them all go. For now! I think I knew that....and I think the thought of it...the loss of a child, my financial security, my physical strength, emotional resolve....on top of everything else....finally broke me. I remember taking the overdose as calmly as could be. I wanted to extinguish pain and I could not think of anything more absolute! Fact! Without the burden of religious superstitions....this became an option....a last resort, but an option nonetheless! For ANY of you currently contemplating same? I can tell you that there is a line that you must be willing to cross....that you can never return from. It hurts you more than death. DONT DO IT. It was the most horrifying experience I have ever experienced. There is no word in the English language to accurately describe or defne it....other than.maybe....unnatural!
It complicated and compounded every pain I had AND NOW....I am recovering from this as well as all of the pain that prompted the action in the first place...and you are HARD WIRED NOT to do this to yourself so guess what the first thing you feel is....MISTAKE....PANIC....REGRET....HYSTERIA.
Please keep this conversation open. Please don't shy away from this difficult topic. You are helping me....and for the creepers? Hope you are feeling supported as well!!
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PerAugusta, (((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) to you. I will reply more when I've had a chance to read your posts and have a few extra minutes to reply, but wanted to let you know we are listening and want to support you. Ceanna
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I feel it! I appreciate it! Please don't let me go! I sound brave....but I am a live roller coaster!
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Keep writing. I am here in virtual land to give you support and a big dose of love to all who are in pain.
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Lisey-- thank you for your comments on letting God handle the issues with our children. I am over my head with issue with a newly adopted teenager. I have been looking for an answer and I believe that this is the answer I was looking for. Thank you
PA-- reading your writing makes me think of where I have been in my journey with cancer thus far. I want to scream that this is not fair, Its not any of the things I signed up for. I want to give you a hug and say "me too" to so many things. I feel like my family of origin have decided to ignore me. My hubby has stuck around but I feel he is the one drowning and that I am the one stepping on his head. My adult children especially my daughter has stepped up to the plate but in some ways it has been a help and a burden.
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PA- I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I am not. But years ago I read a book that stuck with me- WHATS SO AMAZING ABOUT GRACE? By Yancy. It helped me see my anger and hurt differently. You asked for suggestions and thoughts, so might I suggest checking out this book?
Another good suggestion I saw on another thread is to talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend going through something similar. What would you say? What advice would you offer?
Take care. ❤️
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My darkest hour....sometimes music helps explain things. After breast cancer...after 18 months of treatments and surgeries....after PTSD and fear of recurrence....after losing my youth, my ability to fully enjoy intimacy without pain, my mother, my sister, my income, my own reflection...... I finally lost my child....to the very people who tore my heart out during cancer treatment. Tomorrow my son, husband and I attend our first family counselling session to help us adjust to the loss of our girl. I sent this link to her and told her that I loved her. I invited her to join us in family counselling. She said "I'm happy here...having fun....and I AM WITH MY FAMILY....THESE WOMEN ARE MY BEST FAMILY....they understand me."
Ouch. I could use a bco band aid.
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YES! Tell me what you think might help! I love it ALL! I'm not religious but apparently....I hold many values and morals in common. I believe in goodness! And I believe in this planet and place value upon ALL of its living things. I see beauty everywhere....but it's not in any traditional sense. My aunt tells me "you might not believe in god....but I think he believes in you!' LOL
I have always been.....'sensitve' to the feelings of everyone around me...I am endeared by people...but my professional life was law, balance, fairness. My persona had to be civilized, rational and logical. I was paid to make difficult decisions...to choose...this way or that! No middle ground! Black or white!! Just review the facts, make a decision....stick to it! No one cared if I felt sorry for the appellant! And yet, I was trusting, creative and artistic by nature. A walking contradiction some days.....yet, someone HAS TO BE THIS PERSON. And someone has to be you...and the next....and the next! We don't have to feel exactly the same way....about everything, right? I love BCO site.....but wonder.....Why cant we do this for one another EVERYWHERE? Not just online and anonymously.
Maybe the world has PTSD. Lol Overwhelming fear of appearing tooooo vulnerable and/or rightfully fearful of cruel or violent others? I just don't have time to waste anymore! I put my heart out....I ask....I beg.... I help. What's the worst anyone can do to me now?
And I feel like I am among friends. I am actually, most accurately"agnostic"....I have no idea "who runs the show", if anyone! I just know....it's certainly NOT me! I am a hot mess and I need to talk it out! If that's God helping me along.....FANTASTIC! If it's just your beautiful hearts reaching out on your own?......FANTASTIC!
I appreciate it all.....and I need you! I am taking notes and preparing myself for my appointment tomorrow I dread counselling....can you even imagine how much I talk when i'm nervous? Argh
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I was going to post, but don't think I could add anything more helpful than Hapa's words. She had some great insight and advice. So I will just send a hug and let you know you're in the right place for support and understanding.
Vickki
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Dear Members,
This is an important topic. We hope that you will gain support here for yourself and possibly others who are also suffering in our community. In addition to the peer support shared here, we urge those of you who are suffering with depression to utilize all professional services available in your area. If you are having immediate thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please seek immediate, professional assistance. You may call 911 (or, if not in the United States, the comparable emergency number in your country), visit a hospital emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).
The Mods
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Parts of your original post seem like I could have written it....who knew this road gets so lonely....friends and family really find it hard to travel this road or mountain....I have found deep breathing helps...breathe in deep and let it out 3 times or more.
My dog also helps...she is horribly spoiled....her name is bradley....She became mine after the bird massacre of 2016!! long story!! she was implicated but later found innocent of all charges...stay tuned for more Bradley stories
And breathe.....Are you breathing?
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Someone just commented here, at home....."is that video supposed to show how much your daughter feared your death during cancer?" Gosh...no, it wasnt! It was supposed to sing OUtT LOUD...my grief TO HER, I meant it to show how much loss I felt when SHE left our home. I wanted to show that I desperately.....loved and missed her. She took my life with her, sort of thing.
AND YET.....if I turn the sound down and just watch the video....I remember that she was so little when I went through cancer! She was probably so afraid that she might lose me we were so close.. She was always so sweet to me. And she was so angry with my mother and sisyer. She didn't ever act out....until November 16th...2018!
I feel sick to my stomach. High anxiety moment! Maybe I will go paint a new canvas! Are you still there?
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I'm breathing! And snuggling my dog! ☺
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I'm so glad you have a dog to snuggle.
Sometimes crisis brings out the worst in people - and I'm not talking about you. Some religious people worst of all, if your suffering feels like a challenge to their view of the world and of themselves.
Is it likely that everyone around you is wrong and you are the one seeing things as they are? No, it's definitely against the odds. Then again, each of us diagnosed with cancer has already been on the wrong end of the odds, right? It is definitely possible. Sometimes bad stuff just all aligns. Callous lazy doctors, blinkered family, etc. Even though you are the common denominator, it is still possible that truly it's not you, it's them. Hold onto that possibility, if it's helpful.
One book I'll recommend that helped me a lot is cakes "Loving What Is", by Byron Katie. It gave me a mini process for what to do every time the angst in my head seemed unbearable. I guess you will have a pretty good idea within 30 pages whether it'll suit you or not, but I think it's worth a try.
I'm so sorry things are this awful now.
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"Shamus"....my snuggler! And in case you are curious....he is a Terrier, mixed breed....6 years! Sweet as can be....gentle and attached at my hip! Xo
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PA, you are going through a lot and please know that we are here for you. Your pain reminded me of a song that I've posted elsewhere before, but that has meant a great deal to me. To me the music itself is so reassuring and comforting even if you may not believe all the words.The song is by Crystal Lewis entitled Beauty for Ashes. Here's a link to the video and the lyrics follow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDhlTzbyFRo
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despairWhen sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy o'er your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He saidHe gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despairWhen what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He saidHe gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despairAll the best as you begin the family counseling tomorrow. Please let us know how you're doing.
Ceanna
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Per, I'm going to just speak my heart and hope my words don't bite too much. That video is so damn heavy with emotional baggage, to laden it on a teenager is probably the wrong thing to do. It reminds me of the stereotypical mother who holds on to their kids with guilt and emotion when they should be flying away. No teen wants that kind weight laid on them, and honestly, your life CANNOT be about her and her choices. No matter what she chooses, you go on and find meaning in your own life.
My stepson lives with his mother and is 21... he has never kissed a girl, or dated, or done ANYTHING away from his mother.. she calls him her rock and I say she's his anchor and chain. Don't be that mother...
When my son was threatening suicide all the time in our battles a few years ago, I would panic and react. I learned through a therapist to just say "I'll miss you son" and nothing more. He was using words as weapons. You are using heart strings as a weapon to let her know how much she hurt you... YOu are the adult, You need to protect her from the weapons you using against her. I know she is hurting you, but you should not be throwing that back at her, it's too manipulative and heavy for a teen to handle. Be the bigger person and realize she is NOT your child, truly… she is her own person and God's/universes' child. -
Per Agusta,
I'm lost for words. But I want to reach out because I can relate personally to a lot of your pain. I just hope that knowing one more person has read and understood, will help a bit.
Yaniza
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It's a Disney tune Lisey.
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Thank you yaniza!
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Hi Per,
It may be a Disney song... but this is heavy and not really something you should be dumping on a 14 year old.>>>>> "It was supposed to sing OUtT LOUD...my grief TO HER, I meant it to show how much loss I felt when SHE left our home. I wanted to show that I desperately.....loved and missed her. She took my life with her, sort of thing." -
It appears not to be a Disney song, but Irene Cara's song played with scenes from a Disney movie--not that it takes away from the meaning of the song.
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Okay Lisey. Thanks again.
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I venture to guess you are not the first "helper/ fixer/responsible girl scout" type to get seriously sick, and then discover you have come from a family of narcissists who cannot stand you stepping outside your assigned family role. They have no idea how to help you or fix you, and instead keep wanting you to 'snap out of it' and get back to serving them. They may not realize this at all but that does not make it untrue.
I think growing up in such a family is a risk factor for cancer in the first place (see the ACEs study, Dr Vincent Felitti). Look up "Family Systems Therapy" -- it might be illuminating about the roles in your family and why you getting sick upset the whole applecart.
I agree with the advice above about lightening up on your daughter... I'd stick to warm, brief notes/texts that do NOT cast guilt on her. "I thought of you when I saw this funny video, hope you enjoy it." "I watched your softball game, and saw your great catch!" Etc. She is probably being manipulated by your Mom and sister so THEY feel less guilty.... and if so, this is not her fault. Rise above it where she is concerned and just make it clear you love her and your door is open and you would love to see her any time. Be as unconditional with her 'affliction' as you wish your Mom and sister could be with yours.
Also consider that you might be using some of the parenting practices that were modeled for you by your own Mom-- guilt, control, financial manipulation are all present in your story. If you have used some of these practices inadvertently, your D may have some legitimate anger at you. But you can change your practices, and improve the situation over time.
Enjoy your son and H, and take care.
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What may also be going on is that these children already endured a devaststing loss, that of their bioparents whom perhaps they never even got to know. In recent years, they may have feared losing you to BC, and as of last month , they don't know if they can count on you not going harakiri and sayonara. So your daughter left you (for the time being) before you could leave her again.
Now of course you feel guilt over this, but perhaps you can turn it into an unconditional promise to yourself and your family (and us) that you will never give up on yourself, never again, never.
You are showing an open mind and this is a huge asset. Depression can give us thoughts that don't serve us well, so we need that receptivity to objective outsiders , and I do hope tomorrow's session is the start on a very healthy path.
Best wishes.
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