Wife recently diagnosed

Eric235

Hi Everyone,

My wife, who is 43 yrs. old was recently diagnosed after her first mammogram (was supposed to be just a baseline). She is having an MRI in a few days to make the picture clearer. So far it's only in 1 breast, no palpable tumor, but a 3cm area with DCIS and IDC which is ER/PR- and HER2+. Node status unknown yet, still finding out information after this MRI etc.. Anyway, I'm having an extremely difficult time coping with this. We have two kids 8 and 4 and my wife is the bigger earner in my family (living in NJ is not cheap!) My mind is racing a thousand miles per hour thinking of all the bad scenarios that could happen years down the road. I know I'm supposed to be strong and the rock, but I've been on the edge of breaking down constantly and pray for her everyday. The financial aspect, the thought of seeing her going through treatment, how to tell the kids at some point, the fear of a recurrence down the road, losing her.. it's so hard. Honestly she is in amazing spirits and doing so much better than me. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 21 and my friend from high school several years ago to it.. maybe it's some kind of PTSD.

I don't know who to talk to and though, perhaps other spouses in a similar situation have tips on coping. Thank you for listenign for those who read this post.

Eric

star2017

hi Eric, I'm so sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. My kids were the same ages when I was diagnosed. There are some tough times ahead. Try your best to focus on one step at a time.

I did have times I wanted to talk about unpleasant things, about imagining my husband's future and my children's without me. If your wife wants to do the same try your best to listen, eventho it's hard and it's unlikely you'll really be in that scenario. I needed to be able to share my fears. It helped to be reassured,but it was also important to be heard.

Wishing you and your wife all the best.

Sjacobs146

This is the toughest part of the whole process, the time just after diagnosis, before you have much information. Lots of unknowns. Take a deep breath, Breast cancer is very, very treatable, with a 5 year survival rate of @98%. Your wife isn't going anywhere in the near future. May I suggest a book that my husband found helpful: The Breast Cancer Husband, by Marc Silver. Hugs to you, and please don't be afraid to get help. Cancer is a very scary diagnosis

edwards750

So sorry about your wife’s DX. She has a lot of unknowns at this point in the process but whatever they find is treatable. We all feel your fears. It is an insidious and scary disease but understand research and treatments have come a long way even since I was DX in 2011.

Knowing you are there for her and the children will be a great comfort. You have little ones which makes it more difficult but they are too young to understand and there certainly is no sense in scaring them anyway. My children were older but my youngest son in particular was especially upset about my DX. He had several friends who recently lost their mothers to cancer. I’m sorry you have lost loved ones as well. I did my best to un-scare him and keep my game face on. I mostly shared my fears and questions with friends and a church group who had the same DX.

Good for your wife she is as upbeat as possible. Her mental attitude is important. She needs to have confidence in her medical team as well. The relationship with the “healers” will make her less anxious knowing she is in good hands.

Financial pressure doesn’t help the cause either but don’t assume she will be down for the count. Lots of ladies do continue working through the surgeries and treatments.

You are a wonderful and caring husband. We are all here to help in any way we can. Btw I’m 7 years out last August so there are reasons to be optimistic.

Keep the faith and keep us posted.

Diane

MaddieBrie1

Hi Eric, I am really sorry you and your family find yourself here in this position. I echo the book suggestion from SJacobs146, it has been helpful for my husband. Another suggestion, maybe look at a local breast cancer caregiver support group? This site has been a wonderful source of information as I have been traveling on my own tx journey.

Also, don't be adverse to talking with your primary care doctor about your anxiety. I recently started some meditation and breathing excercises that have helped me as well.

The anxiety will ebb and flow as you get more information from the various tests and formulate a treatment plan. Don't forget to live in the now either, celebrate the good things - Thanksgiving, birthdays, school accomplishments of the kids, poinsettias for the holidays, setting up the traditions that are in your family for the upcoming holidays.

Some others on this site have also approached their school counselor resources and teachers available just to let them be aware of the significant health crisis going on in the family.

You don't have to be strong all the time, neither does your wife. Cancer sucks, treatment and surgeries suck, financial worries suck.

There are a number of threads that talk about finances, if you haven't already, check some of them out, but later. It's Thanksgiving and family time awaits!

Prayers and cyber pat's to you for reaching out to BCO. Everyone I have interacted with here has been tremendously supportive.

MB1

Moderators

Eric, we're sorry that you and your wife are faced with all this... but glad you found us and decided to reach out. Besides the wonderful support you're getting from our members here, we wanted to give you some links to other forums and topics that you may find interesting too, such as:

• For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters.
• Helpful BCO links for Caregivers, Family & Friends
• The Husbands Corner(for family, friends, boyfriends, ect.)

We hope this helps, and hope you will stay connected here.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

The Mods

CaliKelly

Just to let you know, I was stage 3, positive nodes even after chemo( had chemo first, then surgery) Had the whole menu of treatments, came out on the other side, just fine! I wasn't working, but I could have,except for a few days each chemo cycle and of course, a week or more after each surgery. Radiation no big deal, she can definitely work thru that . Just schedule daily appts early .Look for financial aid in your state, California has aid, also temporarily can go on disability. I had pretty advanced cancer and I'm doing GREAT! Not planning on dying for a long, long, time. And not from bc! Bestvwishes to you and your wife💖

Eric235

Wow, thank you all very muchfor responding and the links and book recommendation. I appreciate it all. Tomorrow is her MRI and I’ve said prayers. It is reassuring to see others come through this. I am at my worst when alone. Happy thanksgiving everyone, I hope it was a good one!

Careninnj

hi eric. Just wanted to let your wife know shes not alone. Im 43. Diagnosed with IDC back in june. Had a double mastectomy in august. Im now cancer free! Btw im a jersey girl. You will all get through this. Its amazing how strong you will become. How much you can get through. Trust me.

msphil

hello I was diagnosed at 42 while preparing for our 2nd marriages found the lump I was in medical field so I pretty much knew. My fiancee was my rock But he also had his moments so have your cry concern but be there for her she is also going thru A lot having same thoughts n concerns as you. was diagnosed with idc stage2. 0\nodes 3mo chemo before and after Lmast then got married then 7wks rads then Honeymoon then 5yrs on Tamoxifen. Am now Praise God a 24yr Survivor. God Bless Us All. msphil

DeeBB

Hi Eric, so sorry to hear that you and your wife are having to go through this. My husband is my rock, it's ok to talk about it. In the beginning I think it hit him harder than it did me because it was something he couldn't fix. He's my best friend and we now have cried together and have probably gone through every emotion together. I would also suggest trying to go to appointments with her as well, I think that has put him more at ease than anything. The appointments with the Breast Surgeon and the Medical Oncologist was a great opportunity for him to ask any questions he had as well. Of course, I know you will probably not be able to go to all the appointments but try and make the ones you can. Wishing you both the best.