Aren't I supposed to be happy after treatment? Feeling lost...

jllj813

Hi, my diagnosis was in August 2017, chemo from 11-1-17 to 3-7-18, bilateral mastectomy 4-9-18, exchange surgery 8-7-18, and here I am today -two days away from the one year anniversary of starting chemo. I don't think I am depressed, but I replay everything in my head daily. I plowed through the last year - I was strong and unemotional. I feel more emotional now. I feel like I should be "happier," yet I call these my "lost days," being unsure of how I move forward after the past year. I feel like I should be doing something more meaningful with my life (career-wise), like helping cancer patients, but I don't know where to begin in doing so. Has anyone else struggled after treatment was finished?

Denise-G

You are right where you are supposed to be as hard as it is. In that transition time from ending treatment into find your "new way", is the most difficult. I felt lost for 2 years post treatment. Some women are faster, some take much longer, but it is a whole new life. You cannot go back to the way life was before BC, but you have no idea who you even are post BC.

I'm 7 years out and just now really, truly accepting my new way. It takes much time. You are the norm, not the exception.

All my best wishes...

CaliKelly

Wow, I can't believe you just articulated something I've been feeling!My treatments dragged on2 1/2 years, and still working on recon. But once the active whirlwind of chemo, surgery, radiation, more chemo , more surgery, monthly visits with onco, etc was over, I thought I'd be ecstatic! But instead I've felt restless, anxious, like why aren't I still fighting this thing? Also, same feeling of, I should be doing something more important with myself, instead of just relaxing and catching my breath. I want to help other women in this fight, but i also want to ride my bike, hang at the beach, go to the gym, enjoy feeling pretty darn good for a change. And still the restlessness persists. It's like I'm still waiting for bad news, but I've always been relentlessly optimistic. Anyway, thanks! I know I'm not the only one😃 It's funny, my husband has already forgotten all about these past years of treatments, today I mentioned chemo, he gave me a blank look like he never heard the word. I had to remind him I was once totally HAIRLESS!😉 he's put it behind him😂

NotVeryBrave

Your feelings are valid. I think that most of us are so busy being "strong" that we tend to fall apart a bit when the craziness of cancer slows down. Instead of feeling relieved or excited or just finished - we often feel anxious or sad.

I had a pretty hard time around my one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I was still on Herceptin and was struggling through Tamoxifen. I had tried a new job that I ended up quitting after only four weeks. I didn't feel well physically or emotionally. I started seeing a counselor and joined a post cancer fitness class.

Those things helped, but I think time was the most important thing. I had a MO tell me that it takes about a year after treatment is done to recover and really do better. I found myself feeling sorry for myself a lot back then. Even with a good prognosis - I felt sorry for all I had been through, for the things I had missed.

It gets better. Allow yourself to just be. Don't judge yourself. Be kind and patient with you. It'll be okay one day soon.

voraciousreader

welcome to the “new normal.” Bittersweet....lost time, lost feeling both physical and emotional...and time to somehow...move on. Easier said than done. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush things. Don’t feel like you need now be a warrior and change your life in big and/or small ways. The you that you are now is not the same woman that was a year ago....nor will you be the same woman that you are now...a year from now...

For me, my cancer diagnosis has never defined who I am. I confined in few people my diagnosis, so the diagnosis has never followed me or shaped my decisions....that said, I find my life richer in ways I could never have imagined. But I think my life is richer because with age, I just grow wiser....

So, let time continue to unfold....then you will see...this past year wasn’t lost, it just placed you on a new direction....and that more meaningful place where you want to go? Don’t worry about finding it, I am sure, in time, it will find you

jllj813

Denise G - Thank you so much for you honest response. Wishing you the best for continued health and well-being .

jllj813

CaliKelly - Thank you so much for your response! I have one more surgery to go (in January). I wasn't ecstatic about my exchange surgery. I think that's when emotionally I started to decline a little. It never occurred to me I wouldn't be happy with the surgery result and I felt really guilty and selfish about that. I'm actually feeling a bit better the past few days (since the anniversary of chemo passed). I guess it's natural to replay things back in my head and try to sort it all out. I apologize that I smiled a little when you said it's in the past for your husband (isn't that nice?).

After I had posted my original post, I read down a bit on this thread and three things that were written in 2017, I believe, hit home: "Time to let go and feel all you had to close off to get through the last year." "Before you were in survival mode." "We got through this to live." So yes, we need to go to the beach and ride bikes and live!

jllj813

NotVeryBrav - Thank you so much for your kind words. They totally make sense to me. I appreciate your response.

jllj813

voraciousre - I appreciate your wisdom. I definitely don't feel like the last year was lost - it was the fight of my life. I've felt a bit lost since. I will definitely find my way.