It's Me - Not Him. Sex after Bilateral Mastectomy

NotKathy63

Hi All,

I had a lumpectomy to my right breast, with partial reconstruction to the left, back in February. I had a lymph node dissection in March. I had 8 rounds of chemo over the summer, and I had a bilateral mastectomy on August 9th. The plastic surgeon was able to put implants in on the same day. I hate the implants, or maybe I just need to get used to them, but that's a story for another day.

My husband has been over-the-top supportive, and has done things as far as bandages, wound care, hand holding, etc., etc.

I am so depressed about our sex life. It's early - I know. He is still into it. It's me. There are times during sex when I know he would squeeze my breasts or play with my nipples, and now, there are no nipples! The implants are smaller than my breasts were. I can barely feel anything. I am still bald from chemo. I have a little peach fuzz, but the thick wavy hair is gone. I just feel so bad about it all, and I feel even worse because like I said, he is still into it. On top of all that, I've been reading about people having vaginal dryness with hormone treatment! I just started Tamoxifen.

I don't know how to get over my self-consciousness (?), sadness (?) with my new 'less than' body.

Any words of wisdom Ladies?

Spookiesmom

There is a thread called I Want My Mojo Back. The ladies there my be able to help you.

WC3

NotKathy63:

I'm not in a relationship so any man I meet will only know my reconstructed breasts, but coincidentally, by virtue of my job I have sat through a few seminars on breast cancer and it's impact on intimacy, and paid attention because I was high risk. In fact I might have had the cancer at the time and didn't know it. It's true that a lot of men have profound issues with intimacy after their wives or girlfriends have cancer related breast surgery, even with reconstruction. That your husband is still "in to it" is good sign though. His primary sexual interest in you was probably not your breasts or conversely, he might be fine with the reconstruction or think any breast is a good breast. Men can be kind of funny when it comes to what they are attracted to. I have stretch marks all over my body and have since I was in my late teens. I was horribly self conscious about them and thought men found them universally unattractive, until I was wearing short sleeves one day (yep, even have them on my arms) and my much younger brother, who had never seen my arms before, exclaimed "Cool!" to which I replied "What?" And he pointed to my stetch marks and said "You look like Mystique!" who is a female mutant character from X-Men portrayed by Rebecca Romijn in the movies. So I looked up men's opinions on stretch marks and about half of them find them turn offs while the other half thinks they make a woman look exotic. What we see as unattractive in ourselves, our partners may not and your husband still sees something attractive in you.

In any case, even though it's not the same for you, it will be a learning experience and this can actually be a good time to try new things and spice up your love life. As for dryness, there are lubes for that.

DATNY

It's a matter of brain retraining. Just allow yourself more time, you'll find a new normal.

NotKathy63

That's where I was going to post it, but it seemed like a lot of the posts were related to hormone issues, and many of the posts were old. I've copied my entry to that thread. I'm looking forward to suggestions from both.

Insideout2

Everyone's situation is different. I have had sex throughout treatment. It was one of my many questions upon being diagnosed. I haven't used lubes, but your doctor can recommend one.

This cancer journey has not been easy, but nothing in life is. Enjoy closeness you have with your husband. If he is still interested in sex and you are not, he will be open to what makes you comfortable.

Sex is more than a position, it's an experience. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or forced. Maybe considering talking to someone, there are so many levels to our journey to fight cancer and balance our lives. Wishing you the best.

wanderweg

My reconstructed breasts look like water balloons attached to my skinny frame. They look like that to me, but not to my husband. He thinks they're fantastic. I do still have my nipples, which helps, and they are reactive to touch even though I can't feel a thing. I stay pretty focused on how cold to the touch my breasts are and how weird it is that I can't feel them, and how they are so firm I don't really have cleavage anymore and can't wear some of my favorite dresses, and about the big dent left above the breast that has cancer, and how far apart they are when I lie on my back (I have over the muscle gummy bears). But all that is me. That's not how my husband sees me at all. I also have my hair buzzed in anticipation of going bald any day now (I'm 16 days out from my first TC infusion) and I look freakish. Again, to me. My husband saw me naked and said with my new breasts and my buzz cut, I look like a sexy superhero. All this to say: go easy on yourself. I think it takes us a long time to adjust to our new bodies and the changes brought by chemo and maybe our husbands are far less critical and also just happy the cancer was caught and being taken care of. I think my husband sees my upcoming baldness as a reminder that he is thankful I agreed to chemo (I didn't want to do it at first, I'll be honest).

And you get to set whatever limits you need to, and you can change them as your feelings change. I don't let my husband squeeze my breasts because it gives me a creepy feeling. And I still have some pain from my exchange surgery on 8/7. But just recently I've been okay with him touching them gently. He's very agreeable to me saying what I do and don't feel comfortable with. I think for most men, they are happy to be with a naked woman and happy to be having sex. The rest is all gravy.

Also, ahem - Astroglide. Really helps with dryness during sex.

Anonymous

Just found this topic and thank you. My husband and I haven’t been intimate since my DX 8/2. I am afraid of him touching my breasts. Crazy I know. He has been so understanding and tells me he is here when I’m ready. Now my surgery is just days away and I still can’t fathom being intimate.

Lisey

Hi Not,

A couple of things to think about.  1) I had TEs HATED THEM and they felt foreign and hurt.  I got them out - went Flat and Fabulous and most of my nerves returned to my chest area.  I feel 100% back to me.  If you are curious, join Flat and Fabulous - private group on Facebook where you can ask questions from explanters and join in our "I don't give a tit Tuesday" - women post damn sexy shots of how amazing a flat body can rock it.  ALong with tons of advice and support. It's for Flatties and people just considering explant or going flat.  2)  On the sex note, yup we lose a tool in the toolbox for sure.  Thus it's so important for dude to learn how to master the art of going south.  Ive been on Tamoxifen for over 2 years and no problems there.  Tamoxifen has been very kind to me.