Hi, nice to meet you, and I’m scared.

DanaP

I have been reading posts for the last few days, and only now I found the courage to write.

So my life did a 360 on me 2 weeks ago on Thursday August 30th, when I received the "you have cancer" call. I was diagnosed with IDC on my right, tumor size about 2cm, grade 2, and my oncologist believes I'm probably stage 1 although the surgeon will confirm on the surgery day. I'm 100% ER and PR +, strongly HER2-, and still waiting for the result from BRCA testing. My oncologist and the surgeon think lumpectomy + radiation + tamoxifen for 5 years will have a good prognosis in my case.

I have been trying to absorb as much knowledge the past weeks about my new disease, but it's still so hard to admit that I have cancer. I've been married 8 years, and we were planning a family for the past 2 years. Even with several failed fertility cycle with IUI and IVF, we were still hopeful we could try again. We bumped our insurance in hopes we may conceive twins. Never in million years, we knew we would use the insurance benefit for this mayhem. The first 24 hours after "the call" were just all tears, but I tried to stay positive especially with the support from my closed ones.

Then today, I'm a mess again. Seeing all my friends with their beautiful family which I may never have, makes me jealous and pity myself...and it makes me cry. I tell others "I'll survive" with confidence, but I am a hypocrite because I am scared and unsure. It angers me, then I feel depressed, lonely and defeated when the battle hasn't even begun. I keep expressing frustration at my mother who's only trying to help. I say mean things to my husband because he is hesitant about freezing more eggs before the surgery. Come to think of it, I was so stingy with petting my dog today. I don't want to whine when clearly there are those in much worse situation... but it's been tough. Maybe some sleep will make it better...or maybe not. My doc thinks keeping a journal and writing down my feelings may help heal. So here I am.

Sorry about long post, and thank you for reading my silly ramble.

CindyNY

DanaP- so sorry you had to join this group, which none of us want to be in. So far your prognosis sounds good. As being so young you have harder decisions to make than I had to. I'm hoping some younger member who had similar decisions to make will chime in to help you.

You are stronger than you know, you will get through this. Being cranky, or stingy petting your dog are all part of the uncertainty you feel. It gets better, as time goes on and you have some solid treatments in place. HUGS to you.

Falconer

DanaP, please don't apologize for your story. We've all been there, receiving the shocking news that cancer is there. My treatment protocol sounds similar to yours. I had surgery, though, two years before your Dx. The amazing truth is that life goes on, and while the shock is with you, it eventually fades, and you will remember to live. ❤️

Bookworm14

DanaP,

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I am 35 and was diagnosed in August and I have a 6 year old son so a bit different than your story, however I thought I would comment on your post. I hope you will be able to preserve some of your eggs before treatment and that it works out well for you.

It is true that being ER/PR positive generally has a better outcome especially when you are on the younger side (according to onco). I would also recommend getting a genetic test to test for the BRCA gene as well since this helped me make my decision on surgery and treatment.

It is hard making it through the day without being scared. We all deserve to process this diagnosis in our own time and own way. So do not think you need to feel or act a certain way or that you are wrong in the way you feel/act. However, I thought I would share how Ihave made it through lately.

I have OCD with anxiety and the only way I have been able to make it through the past couple of weeks is to think happy. It sounds stupid, but if let myself think about bad things then I tend to feel much worse. In fact, I try to make sure I joke and laugh as much as I can because it makes me feel like me! That is not to say we all don't deserve some crying time....I have had a few instances where I broke down completely, but then I cry it out and do my best to move forward. I tell myself that it could always be worse and that I am strong. Also, my anxiety medicine has greatly helped along with reading stories and posts from the other women here! Best wishes on your journey forward and let us know how you are doing.

crawfish

Hi Dana. I'm so sorry you had to join our community. Most of us can truly relate to the complete upheaval those three words will create in our lives: "you have cancer." Your fertility issues alone are a monumental struggle. I can relate only to well to that struggle, as I was unable to conceive and went through years of hoping and being crushed on a monthly basis. I went as far as artificial insemination but stopped short of IVF. I ultimately decided to adopt and have two sons now. I'm very happy with the path I took, but boy I can relate to the pain of seeing happy little families everywhere I turned. I avoided the baby aisle at the store like the plague. I say all of this so you will know that you're not alone. You have sisters here who can relate, and who understand your anger and frustration. (((Hugs)))

DanaP

Thank you for the hug. I really needed it.

DanaP

Thank you, Bookworm14. I should take your advice seriously and start finding more reasons to laugh about it. My husband loves my loud laugh, and he was saying it's been a while he heard it. I should really put myself together, not just for me but for people around me who are struggling just as much. I work from home, but try to push myself out, and it helps clear my mind. I am so sorry about your diagnosis as well. I was told 1 out of 8 women have breast cancer, and I know no one around me, and used to think "why me". But now that I have read tens of posts here, there are many out there who share similar situations, more than I thought. Thanks for sharing your story.

DanaP

Truly, thank you. It's not easy to express the emotional override and understood by others about the infertility and cancer. I try to look like it's no big deal in front of my friends, but deep down it hurts. I am sure it'll get better. Thank you for your kind words, and this community has helped me greatly so far. I hope you're doing fabulously and I appreciate you sharing your struggle with me.

tessu

DanaP welcome, and sorry you have a reason to be here (((hugs))). You’ll get through all this. Truly. Getting a cancer diagnosis is a huge scary shock, and feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster is usual. You’ve already gotten a lot of great advice above - but I’d like to add PLEASE stop right now feeling guilty for being upset because ”clearly there are those in much worse situation”. This IS a huge stress for you - for anyone - and you have a right to all the feelings going through you now - fear, anger, disappointment, shock - no matter how many other people in the world ”are dealing with maybe worse”. Someone on my care team used the term ”healthy selfishness” as something we bc ladies need to help us through treatment, instead of beating ourselves up feeling guilty for feeling so miserable comparing ourselves to others. So no guilt. Feel the feels, let them out so they don’t eat you up from inside. Be gentle with yourself. And good luck through your treatments ahead. These discussion boards were a sanity-saver for me; I hope you find as much kind and caring support here as I have.

Salamandra

Everyone wants us to be these gracious strong positive patients. But screw that. This is tough and we have the feelings we have. I'm also not remotely convinced about the 'power' of positive thinking. If it helps some people get through the day, great. But if the pressure to be positive just makes life harder because you feel like you're doing it wrong, screw that. There's a reason we go to doctors to treat cancer rather than to therapists to 'fix' our 'mood'.

It's so hard to watch what others have. I'm single now and going through this with great friends but no partner. To me, you are very lucky to have a loving husband. I've never had kids (circumstantial infertility, I'd call it) and at this point, biological kids are unlikely for me even if I did manage to fall in love in the middle of cancer treatment... That sucks a lot. This week I saw on FB some of my friends with beautiful partners and kids feeling sad because they didn't get to have their kids even younger than they started. It was pretty embittering. Like, you already have everything, and you're sad because you didn't get it sooner?!? But that's their business, not mine, and I'm trying to stay focused with the people who are ready to be present with me and for me.

Sending hugs! Keep us posted.

MexicoHeather

People get uncomfortable with negativity, but I hear you. You don't want to be a plaster saint through all of this, because it is not feeling real.

CaliKelly

Oh boy, I had all those reactions! Except already past child bearing hopes. You need to not worry too much about everyone else's feelings, but let them share yours. I remember wanting to appear so strong that I would only cry in the shower! My friends and family would have gladly shared my tears with me, but I didn't want to bring anybody down! And don't worry about the dog, he should be petting you! Love and hugs and prayers🤗

CaliKelly

Oh boy, I had all those reactions! Except already past child bearing hopes. You need to not worry too much about everyone else's feelings, but let them share yours. I remember wanting to appear so strong that I would only cry in the shower! My friends and family would have gladly shared my tears with me, but I didn't want to bring anybody down! And don't worry about the dog, he should be petting you! Love and hugs and prayers🤗 p.s. I did write a journal