How much info do you share with someone you are dating

previvor66

I am much luckier than many of you. I was BRCA2 + diagnosed so can take steps to lower my chances of cancer. I will be having double prophylactic mastectomies with immediate reconstruction next week. I started dating a man about a month ago. We have only been on four dates. I told him I was having a surgery so he would understand I would be out of commission. I haven't shared what kind of surgery and all he has said is that he hopes it is nothing serious. I don't know how much detail I should share. On one hand, I think it might be too much personal info. On the other hand, it is a way to find out if he is someone who would stick around when things got tough. Would appreciate any feedback.

Moderators

previvor, welcome to Breastcancer.org!

This is definitely a great question and a tough situation. We're sure others will be by shortly to weigh in with their thoughts and experience, but we wanted to stop by to welcome you.

We hope you find great advice here and we look forward to hearing more from you soon!

--The Mods

DebAL

hi previvor, I guess my first question is how do you feel about him after after 4 dates? If he is someone you know you would like to keep seeing then you might as well tell him. Like you said, you would know if he would stick around during tough times. If you really don't see the relationship going anywhere then hold off at least for now. Best wishes to you!

wallycat

My philosophy is if I know something and that something could alter someone else's life, I share. Four dates is not very many dates to learn about each other or form any sort of bond. If this man chooses not to stick around, he may have other issues about this besides the surgery. In an ideal world, you would have dated a few months but these things are thrust upon us and we do the best we can. I hope he can handle the info and that you are both right for each other and can travel this road together.

pupmom

Twenty eight years ago my husband proposed to me. It wasn't much more than 4 dates into the relationship. You have to be honest with people you want a future with. The absolute worst thing would be having your surgery and suddenly showing up breast less, without letting him know ahead of time.

wallycat

Pupmom, that is so romantic and wonderful that it worked out! Even if this new guy could handle breast removal/major surgery, he may not be able to mentally accept that cancer could be waiting in the wings. It's not a rational fear and depends what he's experienced through out his life.

pupmom

Wallycat, I was 26 years away from a diagnosis, so, at that time, mortality and deformity were not part of our considerations. But it's not always physical problems. People keep other secrets, and when they do it can create problems in relationships.

muska

I am not sure I would share that much information. You didn't mention how old you are and how old the guy you are dating is. Assuming 66 is your birth year and he is not much younger, I don't think either of you is likely to make any serious decisions after four dates. I would most likely wait and see where it leads before sharing your medical history. You are not expecting him to share his or are you?

Good luck with your surgery and I hope everything works out great.

beach2beach

Hi,

I kind of want to say that if he is just wishing you well for surgery and hopes its nothing serious, it may be better to wait until afterwards. He didn't press for info so either he figures its your business or he may not be ready to know too much. Id let yourself rest and heal. If it comes up that he seems genuinely concerned and wants to know what you are going through, i think I wold take the leap and tell him. Or if he says nothing while you are out of commission but wants to go out again after you recover, I think I would tell him then.

JoniB

I agree that four dates is too soon. It also depends if you view this as a relationship or dating. Although not cancer, my daughter struggles with depression and is on medication. She is young, single and dating. I'm pretty sure she shares this information with someone when in a relation and not at the beginning stages. 

A lot also depends on your ages. I would like to think that a mature man can handle this information; however, from reading this board this is not always the case. 

By now you would have had your surgery. Hope all went well and you are recovering comfortably. Right now it's all about you and your recovery. 

buttonsmachine

You ask a very good question! I can see it both ways depending on the situation. One consideration is this: once you tell, you can't take it back.

Here's a little from my experience:

On one hand, I feel I was too open about my BC in the beginning, and lots of people blabbed and circulated misinformation. That was annoying because I also felt like I had to be my own PR person in addition to dealing with my cancer. I have since been much more reserved with who and what I tell, and that is better for me.

On the other hand, when people know, it does give them the opportunity to either step up and support you, or disappear from your life. The upside of that is that the people who stuck around really care, and they have a chance to show it.

Ultimately it's up to you whether you want someone you just started dating to have such personal information about your health. I think a lot depends on whether you think the relationship could become long-term. Just my two cents, but best wishes and please keep us posted on how things go.