Worst birthday ever and I've had some doozies

Jadedjo

Anything that could go wrong went wrong. my clumsy climbed to 100 today and I took slight tumbles down the stairs twice while doing my laundry and couldn't hold a darn thing in my hands as things flew out,over and in one case under,as did my forgetfulness making me return about three times to place items I had forgotten or mistakenly took up wet back in the dryer.

Woke up exhausted as couldn't figure out why, way too tired to even do a small workout I was sore and achy all over and feeling sick for no explainable reason (or so I thought at the time).didnt matter in the end because I lost my transfer downtown and had to walk back due to not wanting to use my tickets.between that and the multiple stair climbs for the laundry I got a small workout.

It also happened to be downtown I found out why I felt like absolute crap as Mother Nature decided to gift me with that monthly visitor I now dread.thankfully this isn't the first time that witch surprised me and I am now always prepared.

The closest that came to this was when I woke up on my birthday to find my moms dog had crapped all the way down the hallway of the house.had to clean it up,got yelled at by my mom for no reason, then at the resteraunt the only time I get to eat out in a year my mom complained non stop about the food,about having to be there,etc. If I remember somewhat I think I had enough once it was over git up and walked out feeling like the crap on the bottom of somebody's shoe.

I didn't have cancer then and wasn't about to get my boobs amputated which is why today beats that one.othereise I would say tie.

 Just a really bad day all around and now lasting a few days longer cause ..shark week..

Happy freaking birthday to me

(Venting)

Meow13

Ugh sounds like you need a break from Mom.

Jadedjo

@Meow13

Whelp.I've had one for about 8 years now. That's she she died. This was while she was getting sicker but still working. I was the one taking care of everything at home,keeping track of her medical appts ,grocery shopping which isn't easy with a picky eater and  such eventually I was doing everything even helping her at work when illness forced her to retire) She kept getting more cruel so I don't know if it was pain or what. There were times even her friend had to tell her to take a step back from what she said about and to me. I think it was a year or two before she died that birthday was. I have had some rough ones like when nobody showed up for my party after we moved to a different part of the town(I was 12) but that was the first time someone made me feel like I wish I hadn't been born at all.she got to go out all the time with her friends I didn't have anybody in town and that was my only dine out day at a resteraunt of my choosing. She hated it and didn't hesitate to let me know.

This year I don't have no money to eat out or in or anywhere so there was no celebrating it was a regular day doing errands and chores and halfway through I wished I had just stayed in bed because nothing was going right for me.i used one of my sacred bus tickets to make the errand run as I was so achy and tired but lost the bus transfer to return home and ended up walking home in +33c without having drinking and eating anything all day (partly I don't have a lot of food,partly I was feeling sick which is usual for me during my cycle), I usually have a ice filled water bottle with me  during hot weather but was taking the bus so figured I could skip it. Lesson learned.

I bought a KitKat at the dollar store that melted halfway home, that was my birthday cake. A melted chocolate bar I had to stick in the fridge to harden so I could eat it.

If I had any tears left I probably would have cried but mostly I just wanted to punch holes in the walls.

I do believe 2016 is being ousted as worst year ever and 2018 will be taking the sparkly crown. 

Nothing has gone right for me since end of January and unlike 2016 when I had the colon cancer scare this time I do have cancer. Yep 2018 has already won 8 months in. New record.

ETA: and now my wifi died. *sigh*

Meow13

Birthdays can be pretty hard, I know. Cancer well that is the absolute pits. Never ever did I think I could accept having a mastectomy but I did. It was 4 months of hell I couldn't stand it, felt mutilated until I got my DIEP. Kind of looked and felt like Frankenstein but somehow putting on a bathing suit and looking normal got me through. The first time I went to the ocean and beach I had a sense of being normal and somewhat happy again. This stuff is so incredibly traumatic and people just say it doesn't matter your cancer is gone who cares if they chopped you up. Scars don't matter, well they do matter. Feeling good matters too.

I hope next birthday you find yourself in a much different place. Keep the people around you that care snd the others avoid. Rest for now, it will get better.

Jadedjo

I make the choice for mastectomy for it as the best way to deal with what's happening and following my instincts but am well aware the physical and mental toll it will take too.

I'm glad you found a way to feel normal again.

The only good thing I see coming out of this is I will finally be smaller like I wanted to be since I became a C cup at the age of 12. But it's going to be a scarred mutilated smaller with very little or no feeling in my breasts.

 As someone with severe low self esteem issues to start,that won't be helping. I have given up hope of finding love. There might be men who it  doesn't matter but I have never met one in my existence and have no expectations of meeting any after this.

At this point I don't even know if I'm gong to have a next birthday. My mind and body have pretty much hit its limit. I take it week by week and the only future i plan for is the surgery and the aftermath of recovering. 

I don't havehave a whole lot hope left in me and after today I have even less as I feel more and more cursed by some outside force. My birthday is always a rough time for me and this was the one year I needed something to go right and held a small amount of hope it would be at least a decent day and instead I got this.just like when I put out into the universe please give me a reason to keep living, I was asking for a child or a boyfriend instead I got a breast cancer diagnosis as the answer.i feel betrayed twice over now.after a lifetime of anguish, abandonment, chronic health issues galore,suffering mentally and physically, and overwhelming loneliness. i am seriously starting to feel like I am on the hitlist of some diety out there. 

Ya I'm not holding out much hope for a better birthday next year..if I'm still around..

Jadedjo

Thank you for your well wishes,I'm sorry to be such a Debbie downer I'm just at a place where I'm wondering why when ever I put out there please give me something worth living for  I get bad instead.

Jadedjo

So I guess in a bid to torture myself even more I checked fb. I was right no one but my friend and a surprise text from my aunt wished me a happy birthday.

I made one final insulting not so polite post and I'm done. 

This month went from hopeful to hopeless in a period of 24 hours.

I don't know if my mental state can take all these whiplash emotions.

WC3

Jadedjo:

Sorry you had a bad birthday. I hope you have many better days in the future.

Jadedjo

Thank you

oxygen18

Hi Jo,

The day is not over yet, and here are your birthday cake and birthday flowers

JKL2017

So sorry, Jo. Belated Happy Birthday - here's hoping the next year brings you peace & happiness!

Jadedjo

Oxygen18

Thank you

Jadedjo

Jkl2017

Thank you. 

I'm not looking that far ahead right now just trying to survive the next few months and get through the holidays which if my birthday is an indication is going to be a specially reserved circle in hell for me at this point.

A massive miracle would have to occur for me not to consider this the worst year of my life ( and I am including the years my parents died in that and 2016 which held the title until recently)and I don't even know if I will need chemo yet so it may extend over the 7 plus months of bad it's been so far ( Jan  was not so bad could have been better but not so bad). Like a huge lottery win which is about impossible because I don't have money to actually buy a ticket or meeting my soulmate. Not just some guy. Some guy is not gonna make up for this horrible lifetime I had.it has to be my full on soulmate.

...Ya I don't really believe he exists anymore either...some people were just meant to spend life alone for no explainable reason and it appears I am one. Oh well it is what it is. Nothing I have done has changed it.dotn think anything will. 

Whew sorry about that rant vent there.

Meow13

That cake looks so good. I really would like to have a piece but I am avoiding sugar. On a low calorie diet, put on a few pounds since January ugh. Jade, hope you feel a little better tonight.

Jadedjo

Not really but I'm muddling through.

Something I do a lot most days 

 I did do the usual nighttime 50 min prenatal yogai do at night (takes into account large body parts) but some moves and being on your cycle really don't mix.ouch.

I am now watching Debra Mazda's shapely girl let's get moving  walking workout to see if I can pull it off. Mostly I think I'm going to stumble into the the tv table repeatedly if I do V steps. But the other ones I normally do   have lots of twists and I don't think my lower body is gonna be happy about that.this one is for plus sized ladies and has a strength training section too.

Since I haven't been able to do the barefoot cardio for two days now ( wensday I was too exhausted for cardio or yoga and Thursday I had an early morning appt and was still tired cause only 3 hours sleep.bad night too) normally these days I try to do 90 min (2 full  DVDs)of a barefoot cardio DVD with the second one also focused on light weights strength training with prenatal yoga at night and feeling very dissapointed in myself that I haven't been able to accomplish it. Logically I know I get weak and sad when le shark week is which is why it was the gift I didn't want for my birthday as it's sad enough already.so I'm not kicking myself too hard. Just disappointed. 

Exercise doesn't make me happy it just is. For me at this moment it's a way to get myself prepared for surgery.

I'm going to aim for 90 min of let's get moving 1 and 2 but will be ok if I only accomplish the first one.the fact I can pull myself out of bed and move right now is something of a miracle itself. Ya my cycle is really rough on me,has been all my life. Worst birthday present ever.

And I'm just gonna be proud of myself  I managed to do the full 50 min yoga tonight. 

Gotta grab onto the little things to keep you going sometimes,I think.

Thank you,blessed be

Puzzlewoman

Hello Jo, I’ve been wondering how you were doing. And sorry I missed your birthday! I’ve done yoga before, it is tough so I agree, be proud of yourself. I need to get in better shape so I can get back to that. 😊

oxygen18

"Gotta grab onto the little things to keep you going sometimes"

Very true, Jo. One needs to be a noticer of all the small things that go right, like, yesterday I came across a neat book on sale, and I wrote that down in my notebook for Small Things To Be Appreciative For.

I continue to be impressed and inspired by your commitment to exercise.

There are people who develop a substance abuse problem while going thru a rough patch, and sometimes the problem persists long afterwards. You are picking up a highly intelligent habit currently because of impending surgery, and hopefully it will become somewhat addictive and will establish itself as a lifetime habit, something that we all BC survivors need.

I am still on my twice daily very brisk walk, and developing addiction symptoms, yeay! It's feeling refreshing and empowering and as I walk I visualize how it's stimulating my immune system and punching back at any wouldbe intruders and making my brain work better.

I wonder if something could be done for your menstrual discomfort, besides pain relief. I found I had fibroids, a benign growth, it was the likely cause, and I was offered the option to remove them.

Jadedjo

@puzzlewoman

I'm doing as well as I can. Still hurt and angry.turned out I wa right and not one person except my friend and my aunt who sent me a text wished me a happy birthday. I guess two is better then one but it was a slap in the face as the one time I needed people to acknowledge I even existed they failed to do so.

I was not even close to in shape my first time I started it's why I had prenatal yoga videos cause not only does it tend to be easier on joints if your a big girl with a large belly and boobs (well boobs for now) it takes that into account for the postures. It's more gentle then regular yoga DVDs as the others seem to assume you can bend in all directions and not have stiff muscles or fat in the way. One day I may be able to do "normal" yoga but today is not that day.lol

Blessed be.

Jadedjo

Oxygen18

If I could afford booze I would be drinking it. I already owned the exercise DVDs (and then some I went in massive workout streaks three times in the past 15 years)but when there was no loss after months of that and eating healthy ,which is what I was doing it for,I gave up) and I have enough dvds now to switch everyday and not get bored.

Not gonna lie I don't achieve my goal daily which is a light strength training DVD that's about 45 and a cardio that's 45 min and then an hour long prenatal yoga. Sometimes I can only do yoga,yesterday I did a mixed cardio strength and cardio walking workout that was almost 70 min  but was too tired and in menstrual pain to do the nighttime pain. Sometimes I can only do a short cardio. On days I have appts I try to walk to them and that's my workout for the day  , tomorrow will probably be a two hour one going to and back. In the end how much I can do depends on how my body feels. I look at anytime I can do SOMETHING whether it's yoga or a cardio or even a shorter yoga or cardio on bad days as a success. I went from sedentary to working out regularly pretty much everyday at this point  so i kinda surprised myself.

I figure this is the only choice I got. I can't will the cancer away. All I can do is try to get in shape, try to eat as healthy as I can afford and lose weight so I'm not feeding it more estrogen.

I'm not losing a darn pound though. Argh!

I've toned up and I started hysterically laughing yesterday because putting on a workout bra that was once tight, was loose. measured myself and discovered in a month I lost 3 inches on my bust and 2 inches in my band size. I dropped one of the D's off the triple D I was.so there was some serious fat and fluid in the boob area I guess.

Not completely shocking as there is a lot of upper body exercise mixed with the lower in my workouts and it's possible I lost an inch in the cup due to water weight too. They aren't as full as they used to be but the irony that the main place I'm losing anything is going to get chopped off and possibly replaced soon. I'm going to my body  "seriously you couldn't come off the hips or the beach ball belly?!? Your takin it off the one place it don't matter no more!" middle waist has slimmed but hips and belly still haven't changed much and legs were so flabby it's hard to tell.

But I'm pissed that as per usual I exercising my butt off,eating healthy and the scale does not budge one bit other then to go up and down the same five pounds.

I also have a fibroid (and ovarian cysts which is why I'm leery of tamoxofin)and they wanted to do a hysterectomy,it's one teeny tiny fibroid. I said I don't do scorched earth reactions for something like that( this was  before I got diagnosed)most times they dont bother me and pain is minimal but sometimes they act up. It's my hormones that cause the most issues as not only does it cause extreme fatigue,it causes what I call pms mornining sickness as I am constantly heavily nauseas during that time, even smells set it off. Sadly nothing can be done to help those symptoms other then treating the symptoms themselves but they cause the most issues.

I know there is going to be awhile after surgery I can't really do anything but walk and that's about the time we start getting ice on the ground.clumsy and ice don't mix well. I will be getting back to it as soon as I get the ok though. Carefully with the upper body at first but I hope to get back to what I am doing now eventually.

Thanks,blessed be

oxygen18

Jo, cash flow limitations have their upside, yesss! No money for booze, cigs, and sundry addictive chemicals that could completely ruin a life. I never much cared to make money, and I enjoy having fewer needful things--to use a Stephen King term.

Looks like u r building muscle, which weighs more than fat, so that may explain why no weight change yet.

I seem to only lose when I stay away from bread and pasta, sigh. I don't limit carbs at all, just those two, and sugar of course, tho I let myself have up to 3 servings of fruit. The only grains I keep in the house are oats, and wheatnbran shredded wheat cereal which is my pretend bread, I use it as soup or salad croutons. Perhaps for you too there may be some particular foods that interfere with weight loss, tho again, the loss of inches is proof that you are making good progress. Anyhow, a key part of this enterprise is to keep on going, as you are doing, even if there appears to be slow progress for a while.The progress will show.

After surgery you will be given sets of exercises, and the last and most advanced set, they may not explicitly say this, but it is best to do it for life, as it will help heal and keep tissues and nerves and blood vessels and lymphatics humming happy tunes.

While I am sorry that friends and relatives are kind of MIA just when you need them most, you have amazing inner resources, you are starting this new Jo year on a good footing and bringing forethought to every step despite several challenges; you will likely find the mx less difficult than one might anticipate. And I have a strong feeling, more like a certainty, that the day will come when you are an example to your family, of how to be supportive when someone has a need.

Jadedjo

Oxygen18

Pretty much the only reason I'm not drunk everyday at this point.

I shouldn't eat wheat due to an intolerance but food is so scarce these days especially towards end of month that anything that fills me for long periods of time so I don't feel hungry is what I'm going to eat no matter what it does to me.until I can find a way to increase money for healthy food I will do what I have to do.

I have been watching exercises after mastectomy vids on YouTube and am realizing they must have a base in Pilates or yoga as the barefoot cardio series I do daily has a bit of them in the routines. So once I am got the full go ahead to get back to my regular routine I will be doing many of the moves regularly.

I've pretty much walked away from my family and friends. They let me know how little I mean to them by their silence. So now I choose to be silent back. I don't update anymore  I don't do anything.

 I tell my friend what's going on over text and that's it. If they didn't care while I'm alive they are not going to care if I die. My last post was an $&@& u to the lot of them.the actual words were used . I'm actually surprised my aunt sent a birthday text but she never responded after I answered so...

I should have realized I would be facing this unwanted journey like every other bad thing in my life. Alone. I got my friend but she is far away and has her own life.

I'm not happy about facing this alone but it's not like I have a choice.

Blessed be.