HELP Mom Got Diagnosed and Taking Her Anger Out Of Me

lacrimosa

Hello everyone,

Ive post few other topics in here now and then but this time I am struggling with her psychology.

She diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer. Got her lumpectomy yesterday. The surgery went perfectly fine and she was out of the hospital the same day. But she is a smoker. And I am trying to make her quit. She is back to smoking today. I tell her not to smoke kindly, trying to talk her out of it but she gives me ultimatums. She says she will either smoke or she will go buy a pack if i dont give her the cig. She is very angry most of the time about many issues. She wants to do house chores, I do it for her. Then she gets angry over that. She does the chores, have pain and then complain I don't help her. She raises her voice very often and sometimes I do it as well. I feel bad the second we argue. I understand her stress and I am trying to be strong for her but it is taking its toll on me as well. I don't have anyone else to help me or my mom and it feels too much. We always discuss about patient's psychology but as a relative, I feel more helpless.

What should I do? Any tips?

MelissaDallas

She knows she should not smoke. You've made your feelings known about her smoking. Only she can make up her mind to quit, so continuing to fuss at her about it isn't helpful.

Lula73

until you've been in the cancer shoes yourself you don't always understand what's going on in your mom's head and with her emotions. They are all over the place. She doesn't want help because she's strong and should be able to do it herself but she can't which makes her angry. You help and she's angry because she should e been able to do it. Then you don't help and she's left to do something she can't do like before and she's angry at herself and you. And she's angry at cancer, at God, at fate, at the universe. This will pass. In the meantime you can be there for her, listen, empathize. As far as taking care of her, try asking her what she would like help with and what can you do to make her recovery more comfortable. What can you take off her plate so she doesn't have to worry about it and can rest. Approaching from that angle should help defuse the situation. I know you're natural instinct is to just jump in do everything you can for her but that's just not helpful to her mindset right now. Asking her to tell you puts her back in the drivers seat and gives her a feeling of control in a situation where there is very little control. And if she says there's nothing you can do, then just be there to listen and offer support that way.As far as the smoking, she won't stop til she is ready. Trying to take that away when she likely needs it for the stress, actually makes her feel more out of control. I would let that battle go at least for now.

farmerlucy

“How can I best help you?" Is a good question. Otherwise I'd keep my head down and not do anything to provoke her. She'll work this out on her own time. Maybe ask her to go to/watch a movie with you to help get her mind off things. Just your presence helps a lot even though you may not feel like it does.

MissBianca

Dear Lacrimosa,

Your username is bittersweet and beautiful. It reminded me of a name in classical music, and it is a piece in Mozart's Requiem.

I have a 15 year old son, and it is just him and me. I can't imagine the emotional distress and grief you feel learning of your mother's diagnosis. The good news is her staging is very hopeful. You have been an incredible daughter. You helped with your research to get your mother to medical care when you read about dimpling and it's association with breast cancer. Now you are her caretaker, and she is an irascible patient!

Your mother just came out of surgery. When I had surgery, I was given a course of Oxycodone. One of the side effects for some people is mood swings. I don't know what she was prescribed, but it could be that it has affected her rationale, since she is mistreating you whether you do or whether you don't. This is irrational behavior, as well as not having a grateful attitude for the care she is receiving from you. No matter what you are dealt with in life, it is not a free ticket to emotionally abuse others around you.

You are a wonderful daughter, and God is proud of you!!! Please take care of yourself everyday. When you feel like your mother is being abusive and yelling at you, just tell her you'll talk about it when she is calmed down, find a peaceful place for yourself, like sitting in a car and listening to music, counting your blessings, saying prayers for the two of you, or taking a nice drive to your favorite coffee shop and buying yourself a little treat.

I invite you to join us on the Spiritual Inspirational threads, especially threads like the power of prayer, songs to get you through a hard time, and scriptural healing verses. God will strengthen You and calm your fears if you call on His name.

🤗❤️😊

lacrimosa

Thank you so much for the replies. I think when you love someone that much and couldn’t help with the stuation you get angry. My mom is the most wonderful human I’ve ever seen. She raised me on her own and she is my best friend. Dedicated, loving and caring. I will try harder to keep her safe and calm. We will fight this together. Like amazons

illimae

I totally agree with farmerlucy, word for word. I was a smoker when diagnosed and desperately needed them though the testing phase and no one, no matter how much they loved me, was going to take the last things I had control over. She’s got to reach a place of mental calm on her own. The diagnosis period is some seriously scary shit.

RejoiceAlways

Try to hear this in peace, without analizing anything: don't feel guilty or second guess what you do. Stop wracking your soul reaching for impossible solutions. It is clear that you are not ignoring your mother's needs and that you care on many levels, but you may actually be a much better help to her in the long run if you can let go of the responsibility for consistantly good turn outs.

I say this, because my sister has been killing herself for years trying to meet my mother's needs, which echo your experiences. My other sister and I have have been unable to physically assist or share the daily experience of facing an independent woman, who you love and admire, and who is losing control of directing her life and her privacy, in the midst of scary medical issues.

Because I am much to ill to travel and the other sister is already caretaker for her 101 year old mother in law and both live hundreds of miles away, my mother sees the only one who is really helping her as the enemy a lot of the time, and takes out all her frustrations on her and worst yet, never complains about the two bad sisters not helping.

Any advice is met with anger even when she asks for it. Just now while writing this, I realized that on a visceral level she probably experienes advice as a threat, only we always want to help and find solutions for those we love.

We found that drastically reducing the length of visits and phone calls, even down to 10 minutes, began to make most interactions positive, maybe because they now end before the initial buffering period is over.

God bless you and give you strength.

Please listen to the things Miss Bianca said.

Mucki1991

I'm going with this can't all be blamed on a cancer DX. Maybe she feels like your intruding on her independence? Or maybe she just haas issues and you gotta love her for the good that she is and let go of the bad.. That's what I do with my mom. Best wishes!!!

MelissaDallas

When I was in the hospital (different cancer) my mother was so good, but she drove me INSANE and I was so snappy with her. I understand now that she felt helpless and needed to do SOMETHING, but I felt my whole world had just been turned upside dow and my autonomy taken away. When my meal tray was brought in she'd start grabbing things away from me to open them for me like I was three years old. I laughed that I was surprised she didn't follow me into the bathroom and snatch the TP away from me to wipe my butt. I was in a very, very bad mood

edwards750

Great advice from everyone. It’s hard sometimes to decide whether you are helping too much. My mother was a fiercely independent woman too. I realized I went too far in my efforts to help but my intentions were good anyway.

Your mother is on a physical and emotional roller coaster. I’m not surprised she is angry one minute and complaining the next. She hates her predicament and don’t most people take out their frustrations on the person closest to them?

That certainly doesn’t make it easy for the caregiver who is also experiencing some pretty strong emotional conflicts herself. I just let things go. I knew she loved me and I loved her. Lashing out at me was hurtful but now that I have BC I completely understand why she reacted the way she did.

She’s lucky to have you as her daughter. Hang in there it will get better.

Diane

buttonsmachine

I'm on the reverse side of this - but everyone here had such good responses/observations, I thought I'd look for some advice too.

I'm young with BC and my mom is helping to take care of me. She comes to stay with me for parts of my chemo cycles. I'm irritable with her sometimes. I am. I'm not proud of it, and I know it doesn't help. We have been arguing and I know it's rough on both of us. Arguments are triggered by mundane, everyday things that don't even matter. But it's the underlying tension that is brought to the surface by the small things.

What really makes me flip is when my mom says something to the effect of "I've sacrificed so much to help you, make your life work, take care of you during cancer, so you just need to... [insert what she wants here]." She has sacrificed a lot. But when she points out how my cancer has negatively affected her social life, her relationship, etc., I'm sorry, but I just snap. She's not wrong, but it makes me feel like a burden. Like it'd be easier to just go through chemo alone.

I don't think she realizes what she is saying. My mom is not a bad person. She's a sweet person, but maybe she's... self-indulgent? She has this hippie mentality that she needs to be open with all her feelings and struggles, and that includes giving me a detailed explanation of why my cancer is hard for her. Her feelings are valid, but maybe I just don't want to hear it? I feel bad enough about my life as it is... cancer has taken so much from me these last two years.

I know she wants to be close and supportive, but it's hard because I feel like she wants our relationship on her terms only. Maybe I'm the one being selfish. Maybe we both are. Maybe I need to take it in stride because I know she means well. I don't know.