It's cancer.

Jadedjo

Just talked to the nurse.she kept stressing they caught it really early. The results didn't say stage just ductal carcinoma grade 1 to 2. She kept stressing that they caught it really early so I don't know if that means it's still just in the ducts or what. I will ask on Thursday.

See my doctor next Thursday hopefully he can give me more info.

They don't seem in an all fired hurry she was going to make an appt for aug 2 before I see the surgeon the 8th. Until I reminded her I had one on Thursday. 

So I guess now it's workout to build muscle so I recover better from surgery.

Anonymous

Hi Jadedjo,

The words "You have cancer" are so hard to hear. I'm so sorry. You have my thoughts, hugs and prayers. I would just try to focus on what they are telling you. That they caught it early. Thursday is a long time to wait to hear more details. So just try to stay calm, don't overthink things, if you research it stick to reputable sites. There is alot of information out there. Some of it good, alot of it bad. Lol My doctor told me to stick to reputable sites or you will scare yourself to death! Positive thoughts!! You'll get thru this!! We're all here for you!! Hugs to you!!

Jadedjo

Thank you,I appreciate it.other then my friend this is the only place I am going to find support. I can't afford my internet for much longer and I'm trying to figure out how to keep it through all of this but considering I'm barely eating at this point I may be saving money on food so..

I actually had to say the words.the nurse who called didn't want to or was trying to find a soft way to say it.I said straight out  said "it's cancer isn't it?" And she said "yes" then I caught her off guard asking for whatever other info a biopsy might give. The only thing she has was it was something ductal carcinoma and it was grade 1-2. One would think there would be more then that but who knows.i want to know as much as I can. But they don't seem to be all in a hurry.one would hint they would be sending me for other tests but nope. She just kept saying they caught it really early but really early can mean a lot of things when it comes to treatment. 

 Ironically it happened the way I wish I didn't happen,I got the call while I was at the hospital out in public getting my monthly blood test for anemia. There was an old lady beside me and she kept looking at me like I was going to lose it but I tend to become robot like when something hits me hard.i want to get crap done and then I breakdown after I'm done. Didn't lose it until I came home called somebody and said "I have cancer".

That's when I decided to announce it do everybody another way.

I can handle surgery,I can even handle radiation. 

It's the chemo I wouldn't be able to handle.i truly believe I will slit my wrists if it would get bad enough.i can't afford it either.i been looking at all the over the counter stuff to get you through the SE and I'm going i don't have that kind of money especially if I don't cancel my internet and I'm going to need it to get through this.no matter what treatment will be. The hardest thing I think I will have to deal with is my breasts where the only thing that made me feel like a woman because my hormone issues caused hair growth on my face, that I have a hard time keeping up with plucking,add fat and unattractive to that. And now I got 'has cancer' on the con list.

I couldn't even find a guy to date me before breast cancer and now it's more then likely impossible.which means I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

And I'm dealing with it alone too. there is nobody here to keep an eye on me if something goes wrong. I'm also dealing with it alone in the fact that even though I have a few family members and friends I'm non existent to them. Even before this but While I been waiting for results,no response from any of them except the  one who has been my rock unfortunately she lives in another province as do the other 9 people on my fb.

I posted "it's cancer" on my fb but I know fb can lose posts easily on the feed so I found a pic that says I have breast cancer put it as a profile pic and said in the description I'm not calling anybody when I say it out loud I cry and I have wasted enough tears over this damned life.now you know.

Screw them. 

thank you for your response.i appreciate it.

Jadedjo

The only positive i can see is it's given a kick in the arse to my motivation about exercising. I'm starting as soon as my cycle has tapered off (because for some reason this month I'm practically bleeding to death instead of barely having anything) and going until surgery cause I know I'm not going to be able to do much afterwards. I need to build muscle as much muscle as I can because everything I read says recovery is easier. If it leads to weight loss (which it might because my appetite has gone to nothing) even better cause that will help the diabetes and blood pressure issues. I am trying to reduce as many complications as I can.

I already know the first words to the surgeon will be "tell me what I need to do no matter how radical to keep me from having chemo"

I know you all say you get through it but I wouldn't. Not right now. I'm am not mentally and physically strong enough to get through it.i know myself enough to know this. If the symptoms got bad enough I would just give up and kill myself. I'm already riding the edge already for two years now I'm amazed I'm going tobbe fighting this cancer actually..Maybe if I was in better shape,maybe if I was in a better place mentally I could but I'm not there right now possibly ever but definitely not now.

Georgia1

Jo, we're corresponding on another thread but I wanted to jump in here to offer some encouragement. It's entirely possible you won't need chemo - that depends on a whole host of factors like HER status that you won't know for awhile. And it's great that they found it early. You are mentally and physically strong and you will be able to fight this. Come here "early and often," even if you need to find a coffee shop or library to get Internet access; I found this virtual support system way more helpful than my "real life" friends, actually. We've been there and we want to help if we can.

Scrafgal

jadedjo

I am so sorry to hear about your results and distress. It took me a while to find your new thread.

You are right. There us nothing positive about cancer and you need support right now.

The women and men here will be here through your journey. Are you being treated at a major cancer center? If so, many provide other forms of support to address financial concerns and emotional support. I encourage you to seek out those resources if they are offered.

Keep us posted. I will look for you here but will find your thread wherever it lands.

Jadedjo

@scrafgal

Thanks I should probably go to my threads and update.

Ironically enough I had been referred to a cancercare counsler and cancercare psychiatrist thorough my blood doctor who works out of cancercare. She is looking into funding through the center that might be able to help to pay for the things I cannot afford like over the counter medications and creams,etc and she is going to see if they will help pay for internet while I'm waiting and undergoing treatment.she is also looking into support groups for me.

There are two cancercare centers in my city and I live a five minute walk from the smaller one where some of the doctors and counselers are. So I guess in that way I am blessed too.i don't have far to go I know some people have to drive a long time for treatment and appts.

I don't drive so the closer the better.

@ Georgia1

Thanks.i will be in here a lot especially as I get more frustrated with the slowness of the system and how they aren't doing much but sitting and waiting until I see the surgeon. It's like three more weeks there are things that can be done in between then so he has as much info as he can get. Even if it is a simple blood test. Also I'm already confused because I thought I would get a stage but only got a grade.

Jadedjo

Can I just say I have an amazing friend. Not only has she put me on her Netflix account the past 6 months she was going to cancel around the time I cancelled my internet but she just told me that she is going to keep it going even if I get funding and don't cancel  so I have something to watch while waiting for doctor appts and all the things you have to sit and wait but your allowed to have your phone with you even if it is airport mode.i can also access it through my player for my tv.

The woman is an angel.

And my rock through all this. I know she would be here right now  if she lived closer. She has taken on way more then should with me. Before we even knew there was a lump.and now she is shouldering most of it among the friends and family I have. 

WC3

I knew I had cancer the second I saw the 2nd ultrasound. The response in my head was "aw sh!t". I didn't hear a doctor say the actual word until I was on the 4th doctor.They seem to prefer to say "carcinoma" or "malignancy".

There is a lot of assistance out there to help pay for cancer related treatments. You might contact a cancer center in your area and see if they have any resources for you.

You might not need chemotherapy depending on your type.

Mine is high grade triple positive and chemotherapy was standard for it. Is it fun? No, but honestly I've had worse from run of the mill illnesses like influenza.

Jadedjo

In the back of my mind I knew.

From the radiologists reactions to the weird signs popping up all related to breast cancer that started in march.

But there was a part of me desperately hoping that it was something else.

I know you can survive chemo physically ... most times...but I am already in a bad place mentally, if I am going to need chemo they will have to give it to me in the psych ward because I know it would be what pushes me over the cliff I been standing in for two years. 

It's not the hairloss SE  I'm actually scratching out some money end of month and going to get a very short cut even though I despise pixie cuts  because there is no way I am dealing with hair down to my mid back and my hair grows fast. I won't be able to squeeze out money for  one until xmas after this.its also why I will have to go drastic instead of ease into it with a bob then go to a short haircut.

Surgery no matter what kind is probably going to be happening sooner then later and I don't want to have to be dealing with my hair during any of it.

it's more the joint pain,neuropathy, and especially the vomiting. I'm severely emetophobic and I have already spent the past three years nauseaus thanks to my reflux issue.i remember the 3 1/2 months the reflux was at it's worse and I was always on the edge of vomiting (I will and have choked it down I hate vomiting so much) and I vowed I would never let that happen again if I could stop it.ever. I almost killed myself back then(like contemplated which kind of knife would work best ) the only thing that stopped me was I didn't have a knife sharp enough to do the job.

 and I wasn't on chemo which could make me actually vomit all day for days at a time.i already have very mild tingling and stuff in my extremities from the diabetes.i don't need it worse.and I live in the third floor of a three floor walk up. It's the only place I can afford I can't move anywhere else. If I can't get up the 3 flights of steep stairs I'm not getting home.

Y'all say it's nothing,you will get through it,you might be one of the lucky ones and just feel a little sick but otherwise all good but my system is super sensitive to chemicals it is going to go oh hell no and take on every side effect on the list.if I have a bad reaction to a simple blood pressure medication, I think we tried two before we gave up.imagine what it's going to do on chemo. I know the worst of it only lasts the length of your treatment but it's that length I won't be able to survive to say I got through the other side. Your you, you were strong enough to get through and basically felt like you had the flu. I'm me someone who has bad reactions to simple medications an actual real strong  fear of  the main known symptoms. You were able to push through it.i can't.

to me it's my worst nightmare made real and I know I'm not strong enough to face it. Not where I am at right now mentally and emotionally and let's get real even physically.

And I know people are saying it's your life. But my life sucks. I have no husband  and after this no hope of one ,I have no kids and after this no hope of any, thanks to half  my life having two QOL depleting illnesses I have no job as of right now as I go through surgery and probably radiation that job hunt won't be happening for awhile.i can barely afford to pay for rent,utilities  food,phone and internet actually I can't afford it  I go without meals just so I can have internet and my iPhone is my only connection to the world and my rent is actually pretty cheap for the city.i live in poverty I have to sacrifice other things to treat myself to something nice usually it's food this month to get my super short haircut it's going to be my utility bill and probably a small part of food. I see my future and I see the same except this time I got the threat of cancer if I beat it this time.

my life is not enough to put myself through that when you got nothing to hold on to you will only go so far.

Hell the only reason I'm fighting it is it's my way of giving God and the universe a double middle finger up flip and saying you want me dead,I'm going to live instead. jerks.

Leatherette

Hey, it’s a reason. Go with it. Fight god and the universe.

And chemo sucks. I am emetophobic, too, and I did not vomit once in the 4 months of chemo because I took the anti nausea meds. It sucks, and there are people all over these boards who have done it, some multiple times, and some for the rest of their lives. And some had shitty lives before they got bc, some had great lives that got shitty. Don’t be positive. Be pissed and determined. Live.

hapa

Try not to worry too much about chemo. You may not even need it, and if that's the case all this worry will have been for nothing.

For me, I was scared to death of chemo, but it turned out to be not that big of a deal. I worked through all six rounds (and worked out) and felt anywhere from mildly crappy to perfectly fine.

But seriously, cross that bridge when you come to it. One thing at a time.

Jadedjo

@leatherette

Oh I'm definitely pissed. Beyond pissed. I'm enraged. And in between that I'm in despair but mostly right now it is rage.thats my strength.But I'm doing what I can during the wait.

I'm already planning on getting my hair cut  from the length of past my back bra strap to shaved sides with a little length in the top. I don't want to be fiddling with my hair and trying to put it back during tests and surgery and my hair grows fast so it will be a mismatched bob by xmas which is the only other time I will probably be able to afford a haircut and that's if I get xmas money this year.im starting exercise to make myself and my core strong for whatever surgery I need. My counsler is looking for funding for a metabolic diet so I can finally lose weight which caused my hormone issues which probably caused this cancer. I can look for local support, I have an amazing  friend support who knows the little things can count for so much,and i am in the process of looking for a local support community with the help of my counselor.

These things I can control. I can't control the cancer, I can't control the chemo because of my sensitive system.And both scare the crap out of me.

@ hapa

I am pretty much going to lay my cards on the table with the doctors "you're going to have to hospitalize me until we see how I react because if it ends up being bad,I will end it on my own terms" I don't need the entire treatment time if I'm one of the lucky ones but I do need to do it because I know mentally it will push me over the edge. I have no one here to keep a close eye that I'm on that edge and need to be pulled back.i know my body and I know my mental state. My counsler says they will work with me to make sure I get through this the best I possibly can and I'm hoping they will work with me with this. It helps that the psych ward is in the same main hospital campus of the. bigger cancercare center so they may be able to work something out.actually I'm going to talk about it with my psychiatrist in wensday but he's of the attitude that I can do things that I have just said I couldn't.(other issue.it's why we argue)

I'm trying to hold on to my twisted sense of humor as I get through this as it's gotten me through most of my hardships but I know I'm going to hit points of "why am I even trying to fight this?!" Man I've already hit two today. Then my mind reminds me that if God and the Universe is gonna take a crap in you,grab a shovel and throw it back in their faces.

beach2beach

I'm sorry you joined us..it sucks. BUT for someone who says they may be ready to give up, you have a lot of fight in you where some who have tons of outside support have no fight in them. I LOVE your twisted sense of humor. My own warped got and gets me through. For some even a husband, boyfriend or partner, even family whom you thought was by your side leaves, or becomes a complete a*hole. Friends sometimes fade away also. Even if there is only one person who is there, that's worth more than 10 "meh" people in your life.

Don't bank on chemo just yet. Wait until all the stats come back. I had no idea if it was on the table or not until after surgery and the OncotypeDx test.

We all may not be able to physically help but I will say mentally I have gotten a lot from being on here, even if no one personally directed a response to me.

Take that shovel with you everywhere you go, sling *hit around and plow through best you can right now. I say go with the pissed off feeling,,that's what worked for me too. I am not the unicorn rainbow sunshine blow smoke up my *utt kind of person,,it's all i know.

bluepearl

You may not need chemo. If you do, they keep an eye on you whilst your are getting it and if you are having a really hard time with it emotionally, you can ask to be in the hospital for a day or two to monitor it/you.....the first two or three days most people feel tired. My sister has stage 4 breast cancer and I go with her to her infusions of bone strengthening agents....she hasn't had chemo yet...and has been 4 years NED despite having the cancer collapse her spine 4 years ago. They said she'd never walk again, but she said she would...and she has and has a beautiful garden she maintains by herself. You may even request a nurse visit to your home through your doctor...free.....but in B.C. there are lots of cancer volunteers and a cancer agency you can contact for ANY assistance you need. I am so glad your friend stepped up to the plate too. I had a nervous breakdown first go (because the doctor gave me too strong an antidepressant) but no body fools with me anymore when they see THAT on the chart. The second breast cancer was taken care of in a week. I also agree...that unicorn rainbow sunshine crap irritates me more than anything. No one should feel guilty on top of feeling horrible.

oxygen18

Jadedjo, I think your psychiatrist said it well, you can do things you didn't know you can, and I think you are one resourceful woman.

And tell the universe to repeat after you that you are a resilient and beautiful and intelligent woman and you will get thru this and you will go on to help other people and to have a great and fun life.

You can sign up for the class Look good, feel good, if it's available in your area. Not that you need makep to feel beautiful, though you will be shown makeup techniques, but it's a fun class and the beauticians who run the class are very nice volunteers who want to help with concerns about appearance as you have mentioned earlier.

Jadedjo

@ beach2beach

It's that stubbornness of mine that's gotten me through my parents dying losing my childhood home etc, it's that stubbornness that got me through the past five years of bankruptcy, one medical crisis after another, my teeth crumbling one after another since the reflux started and no money or insurance to buy partials to replace what I lost, its gotten me through recent financial crisises when I only have enough money to eat one meal a day which is usually the end of the month.

But this is cancer, my stubbornness is drooping  and going " I worked my butt off for you all these years, girl, I got nothing left"

That's what my worry is: those things that got me through all these years of misery are just plain worn out.

@ bluepearl

Now that I have been diagnosed my Counselor is looking to see what programs might be available to me,she is also stepping up our appts as she already was dealing with me finding it hard to keep going in life and she knows this diagnosis could be the last straw for me,more so if chemo comes into play.

@oxygen18

I don't know yet what is available in my area but will be looking into what I can.

Thanks to all.