I just lie in bed and cry

Amica

I had Breast Cancer in 1998 and thought I was pretty well safe after 20 years.

Now I have a large 40 X 30 mm lump under my collarbone that the radiology report said is "suspicious for pathological lymph node." I am scheduled for biopsy on July 13th.

I also feel dead tired, and have pain in my bones, which makes me fear I have Mets.

I was never this upset the first time I had cancer but now that I am facing recurrence, I am a wreck. I cry all the time, and today spent the whole day in bed simply because I could not stand to be awake and aware. It's not just the probability of recurrence it is my fears and frustrations with the slow Canadian healthcare system, I am afraid I simply will not get timely or adequate care. I find the healthcare staff in Ontario rude and uncompassionate, and it makes me fear I will be going through treatment with a bunch of Gestapo, if I ever even make it to treatment before I die.

I have no support, none. I moved back to Canada from the U.S. because my father is 94, so he would not have to live alone, so I know no one here.

I have suffered from depression and was already depressed when this happened and now I can barely move. You can't even see a psychologist here in Canada without 100 % out of pocket which I cannot afford. It is a miserable place. Sorry in advance for offending any Canadians on here.

that's my story,

Amica

Meow13

Amica, so sorry to hear you might have mets. But let them biopsy and do the ultrasound and MRI. Hopefully, you will get those answers soon.

Hoping results are benign.

Amica

thank you Meow 13. Those are cute kitties. One of the few things that makes me feel better is to watch a Youtube channel from British Columbia that shows tiny orphaned kittens live 24 hours a day lol I can get lost in their antics and feel better for a while.

I have my own cat but she's old and very sick and "in hospice" at home.

wallan

Amica!! Hugs to you!!

I had a second BC stage 1 Feb 2017. My first stage 3 BC was March 2004. I made it 13 years before my "recurrance". I too thought I would never deal with it again.

The second time around, I was told by the radiologist that I had several tumors based on ultrasound and that it would be spread throughout my chest probably. This was before any biopsies. I was devastated. I thought I had mets for sure. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on my one boob. I had no lumps or anything. They found something on the mammogram and that very day I had an ultrasound. In fact, I had the mammogram and then they took me to the ultrasound room.

I was a wreck. I cried and cried and basically it was hard to calm down. By the way, I too am in Ontario. It took 3 days to get a biopsy (on a Friday) and I got the results the following Wednesday. During this time I told my friends and family I will not get anymore treatment. I couldn't go thru it again. I took time off work. My doctor tried to calm me down. He gave me ativan - sent it to my pharmacy. Once I got the results that it was definitely cancer, it took another week to have an MRI to see extent of cancer in my chest. I had the MRI in the morning, and that afternoon I saw the Breast surgeon. She had the results already from the MRI. Turned out to be stage 1, tiny tumors ( 5 of them) confined to the breast. The size of the tumors added up to less than 1 cm. Within 3 weeks, I had a sentinel node biopsy. One month later, I had a mastectomy. My nodes were clear. 3 weeks after the mastectomy, I had an appointment with an oncologist. During the wait times, I was frantic and anxious. I thought it took forever, but really is was in good time.

The waiting is the hardest part. Your mind goes to dark places. In Ontario, I find that they are pretty fast with cancer patients so don't worry that you will fall thru the cracks. Waiting still sucks. Maybe you can get some Ativan.

As for support, this site is wonderful. There is Hopespring and the Canadian Cancer Society. Sometimes the local hospice will have support groups or music therapy, or Reiki, or Yoga etc for women diagnosed with BC. I would try them all out. I understand about no support. My family is in BC and were not very supportive anyways. I felt terribly alone.

I found the second diagnosis way harder emotionally than the first time. And the first time was pretty bad. But here I am, almost 18 months out, and I feel great. In fact, I am happier than I have ever been. Its the gift of cancer I think. You "wake up" and start to live. I did at least.

Hugs again to you. It will get easier. I wish you the best possible news on your biopsy. Maybe its benign!

wallan

Amica

Hi Wallen,

Thanks for your post. It means a lot to me.

My doctor told me it would take a "long time" to even have an appointment with a surgeon. I told her I would be willing to go anywhere in Ontario, it doesn't have to be in Burlington where she is situated. It took 4 weeks just to get the biopsy appointment and they said it would take about a week to get the results.

I don't even live in Burlington. If it turns out to be a cancer recurrence which I believe is probable I just hope she gets her act together and sends in the referral promptly, I live closer to the Juravinski Clinic which is world class, than I do Burlington, so I hope she doesn't force me to have my treatments at Joseph Brant Hospital in Burlington. Everything seems to go at a snails pace at my family doctor's office, and the staff is just awful! As I already posted here in some other thread, last week when I spoke with my family doctor's nurse she actually said to me, "If it turns out to be benign, then you'll be charged for a cosmetic procedure." That is such bullcrap! There is no way a medical system could operate that way, and I am incensed that she would even say that to me, it is so misleading. I have a 30 x 40 mm mass in my lymph node, a few inches above my initial BC tumor, which was described as "highly suspcious for pathology" by the radiologist and he recommended a biopsy, and she is telling me some nonsense.

I have not heard of Hopespring. I will look into it. I'll let you you know what happens.

I am glad for you that you are doing well.

take care,

Amica

couragement

Dear Amica,

How are you today? I am so sorry you are experiencing this all alone. I can only imagine how scary and painful this waiting and worrying is, and the emotional and physical feelings as well. Have you been able to get out of bed today, step outside? Are you eating? I have been struggling a lot with depression recently, and worrying tremendously about finances and even when I can't get therapy covered, often a psychiatrist will be. There are some good ones out there and some not so good ones (at least where I am in Southern California). I have had ones that are more like therapists and I have also found social workers through my insurance that help with this as well. I was thinking maybe if you go through the more formal medical route you might find some assistance? I know that having to deal with all this can be one of the more triggering things one can have to do. I certainly know that dealing with medical offices and schedulers, etc. practically took me to my knees with stress. Not having the physical energy to get out to be with people or at least engage with the world at large makes the isolation even harder.

But here we are, on line at least, doing the best we can. May you find some peace in moments, and may the 13th get here soon!

I send you much love and hope.

Amica

thank you so much for writing couragement. I did up get today, I have not gone outside. I drink Boost and toast and sometimes real meals. I don't really have an appetite. If it is indeed a recurrence and I ever get into a Cancer Center I would hope there are support groups or at least a social worker I can talk to. I can't express enough how much harder I am taking this than I did the first time I had breast cancer, especially since I don't have access to my original oncologist and team. It's been such a shock. And I know I am fortunate to have survived 20 years, which I am grateful for. Of course I don't know my status yet but the ultrasound does not look good. Anyway I know many people survive for years after a recurrence and/or Stage 4. You have been through a lot yourself and I wish you well. Thank you for your words of caring and hope, you are very kind.

take care,

Amica

couragement

I am so glad you wrote back, Amica. Well done getting up and drinking Boost and having toast! I'd say that is a good bit to have done. You are so right, it is all so shocking. I think the thing that we often don't realize is how things hit us emotionally at different times in our lives. Feelings certainly are not linear. Neither is health. I also think that knowing we are fortunate does not necessarily help with the pain and anguish we feel at the current time. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life, much of it as a small child in countries where there has been war and conflict. Odd things will trigger the stress and bring up old emotions at strange times. When I first got my cancer diagnosis I was not too worried. It wasn't until I was through treatment that things began to emerge in an emotionally painful way. And I mean really emerge! Most of my life I dealt with much of my emotional pain by being very physical and strong, and once I could no longer do that due to the pain and changes to my body, I began to come undone. When I need help and do not have therapists, friends or other help available I go to meditation and spiritual practice. Many days I simply practice breathing for minutes to hours to calm my nervous system.

Since you do not have people there for you right now can you be a dear friend to yourself? I learned to speak to myself as I would a friend, and it often seems odd or forced, but it actually helps. I will say things like "okay sweetie, lets go take a warm bath." And I will make a bath for myself as I would someone very special. You are clearly so caring and good, in taking care of your father, and being away from your own home, perhaps you can bring some of that care for yourself right now.

May it be so. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Amica

Couragement, thanks again for the support and en-couragement (your username is very apt I cannot even imagine what you endured as a small child, and my heart goes out to you. I am first generation, my parents fled the war and emigrated to North America when they were young adults.

You make good suggestions and I'm going to have to think about better self-care, even if it is in small increments. I also practice deep breathing when I feel overcome by anxiety, and I do some yoga. Re-reading my posts above I regret if I seem full of self-pity, but mostly it's fear and anxiety. I wish you well, and I'll let you know what happens.

Amica

exercise_guru

amica

There was a month where I had some pretty serious felt ans horrible stress in my treatment . I binge watched the Murdock series and downtown abby then i tries to find anythint on youtube that made me smile. I also got out of bed and walked a mile then came home and cried some more but the sunshine did do me some good.

Do something kind for yourself. Perhaps thwre is a no kill animal shelter in your town you could go and volunteer playing with the cats. I had two kittens and the entertained me through a that very trying time.

Amica

thanks exercise guru for taking the time to write. Those are good ideas. I will feel better if I find out what my status is, and if I ever get access to treatment in this abymsal healthcare system. Still can't believe it took 4 weeks just to get a biopsy, and then will have to wait at least a week or more longer after that for results. As long as I am in treatment and feel like I am doing something instead of just waiting.

take care,

Amica

WC3

Hi Amica:

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now.

I don't know much about the Canadian health care system but my attitude towards any type of beaurocracy is, plow through it like a (polite and civil) ice breaker. They might be willing to get you in sooner, if need be, once the biopsy report is back.

My US was BIRADS 5 but despite being near 4 major breast cancer centers, I couldn't get an appointment at one sooner than three weeks, until the biopsy report came back and my sister (who is much more socially graced than I am) made a few faxes and phone calls and then I was offered same week and next week appointments.

Pi-Xi

Amica, a week for results is pretty good! My pathology results have always been about three weeks. Interminable.

Amica

Pi-Xi: Wow, that IS a long time. You are right interminable, it must have been nearly unbearable. Waiting is the worst. I guess I am contrasting it with the USA where things took a day or two, or for my excisional biopsy I found out results right away after I woke from surgery.

good to hear from you,

Amica

Pi-Xi

Oh wow! That's lightning fast.

For my endometrial biopsy last February, I had a VERY good connection with a doctor that got me an appointment in a week and my results within the week. I had my results weeks before the "system" could even get me an appointment.

I hope you get some action really soon. All the waiting is unbearable! It just makes you feel so helpless. Maybe a bit like drowning but with added frustration!

Keep us posted, Amica!

couragement

Hi Amica,

How is today going? Any light coming through? Your post did not sound like self pity in the least, it sounded exactly what I would imagine it might feel like to have the possibility of cancer come back into your consciousness and in a new land with different systems. Terrifying. I just hope that level of fear and anxiety doesn't stay too high, as it is exhausting and you will want to have some good strength in order to show up for the biopsy and for your body to heal and cope with a procedure. I am so glad that you have yoga and breathing exercises too. Yoga is a godsend for me. I do it daily and found it was one of the times I felt I could cry most freely after my mastectomy, my "cryasana" . Are you still on for this Friday?

Sending much love.

Amica

Couragement. Hi. I went for a walk today, had to force myself but I know it is essential to try to keep moving even if I do still spend inordinate amounts of time in bed. And watched some Tour de France, which is nice just for the lovely landscape. Yes I am still scheduled for biopsy this Friday. How are you doing? Aren't you in a heatwave in California? I very much appreciate your support.

Amica

Amica

Pi-Xi, that was a good turn around time for your endometrial biopsy. I had several of those too in the past because of endometrial thickening and ovarian cysts from the tamoxifen, until it was finally decided to remove everything with an oopherectomy and hysterectomy. Are you having those side-effects from the tamoxifen?

It's always good to have a doctor who is pulling for you and willing to make a few extra phone calls.

Amica

luba12

Hi,

I just received mammo and ultrasound result highly suggestive of malignancy.I have 16 y.o daughter and very very scared. I am a nurse myself working day and night shifts.All the time I am thinking what will be with my daughter if something happened with me.

Amica

Luba12

I know, I know it is so scary. I feel for you. It is very hard having ominous results and not knowing the full picture. Are you going to be getting a biopsy? With many breast cancer diagnoses nowadays the prognosis is positive, outcomes have improved because of improved treatment options etc.

You are in my thoughts. I have found the people on this board very kind and supportive.. Let us know what happens.

take care,

Amica

couragement

Hi Amica,

So wonderful to hear that you went out of the house and moved your body. Strong! I too often watch shows just for the lovely scenery. But lately I am into the Great British Baking Show. I like the way everyone is kind to one another. Only two days to go now until you get going on this . I hope you have been able to eat some healthy foods so that your body is supportive. I have been in a bit of a sugar craving time. It happens to me about once a month, even though I am in menopause. I still allow myself a few sweets now and again, but I wish I had the discipline to give them up all together. I am sure the Baking show doesn't help! It has been very hot here. I live in an area that is very dangerous for fires, so that is the big anxiety almost everyone has. It can be nervewracking, but being prepared helps. The rattlesnakes are also out in full force! I was at a friend's house last night and we heard such a loud hiss from the garage we thought it was a gas line leaking, but it was a rattler going after her cat! We got it, but it has felt rather threatening around here lately. Oh the joys of climate change! Let me know how your day goes. Are you doing any yoga stretches? Waving at you right now .

Luba, I am so sorry you find yourself here and in this situation. When will you get your results? I am sure being a nurse could be a blessing and a curse in this situation. May the blessings hold you in good stead. Sending much care and love your way.

May we all be well!

Amica

Couragement, Waving back! Good to hear from you! How are you? OMG a rattlesnake! going after a kitty! I do a few yoga stretches most days, nothing major lol I just finished watching FIFA World Cup semi-finals. Croatia has been the team I've been rooting for from the start, and they just made it through to the finals. Yay! I'm not Croatian or anything, I just like their fighting spirit. I hope you have a splendid evening, and hoping any fires stay far away from you.

Amica

couragement

Amica! Check you out! Football fan! I am a rugby gal. I lived in New Zealand and Australia for bits and fell in love with the sport. I have to say that it was a big help while going through treatment, watching people be so tough. So I hear you on the fighting spirit. May your team win . Hoping to go get in the water in a few hours. Just got back in the ocean for the first time in two years last Sunday. It felt amazing. I am a surfer and the ocean holds my heart. What are you finding to do up in Ontario? Will you start fasting tomorrow night? What time is the biopsy Friday? You have a great night too! xoxoxo

Amica

Couragement, Wow, you're cool. Surfers are cool lol Now that does sound really fun, and I hope you did get some surfing in.

Today Thursday I see my family doctor, biopsy is Friday morning. I can't even think about it, it bothers me so. As I keep repeating I was so strong the first time I went through all this, I don't think I even cried, but this time, I don't know...just over-whelmed with anxiety. But I'll keep you posted, I really appreciate your support. One day at a time, one breath at a time....

regards,

Amica

couragement

Amica, I know you are probably done with your GP appointment already but I am wondering if you can get an rx for an anxiolytic. Even if you are already out of the office- could they call one in so that you can take it before the appointment tomorrow? I have had 6 biopsies and I used them on all but the very first. I am of the mindset to use what is available to ease suffering. Do you know which type of biopsy they will perform?The stereotactic is more uncomfortable physically than the others. Mainly because of body position and a valium or xanax would help keep your muscles more relaxed. Also, if you can get an rx for a good painkiller and take it in the event there is pain that will keep your nervous system from going on higher alert. My husband (who is a brain researcher on stress/nervous systems) likes to say "kiss a nerd today... they are working tirelessly to ease suffering." And it is true, now is not the time to do it without support. Standing with you on this......

Amica

Couragement, I don't know much specifically. It's core needle biopsy I believe, ultra-sound guided.. I posted a question on here about it and several posters said it wasn't that bad. It says I have a "day bed" and they said I will have to stay there for a couple of hours after. I have some Xanax,and I'm going to take some, and I believe they give the patient something right before the procedure too. I did ask my doctor if she could prescribe me just a couple of tablets of painkiller, like literally 2 or 3, just in case I need them, especially since it will be the weekend, and I won't be able to get a hold of my doctor, and she said 'No.' you won't need them. Just take Tylenol." Easy for her to say! I'll let you know what happens. With my first experience of breast cancer I also had several biopsies and surgeries , and at least they prescribed hydrocodone post-op. I NEVER got addicted. Not EVERYONE gets addicted to painkillers, there are individual differences, and I fear surgery all the more if I am denied adequate post-procedure relief. I'm telling you, me and the Canadian healthcare system do not get along, they're very brusque and cold here, at least that has been my experience. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm full of dread and tears. Hugs.

Amica

Pi-Xi

Good luck tomorrow, Amica!

janky

I live in Alberta and our healthcare has been great so far! I have scans and just get the results from my GP office - they print me a copy the next day, same with my monthly bloodwork,

Amica - maybe you should ask your GP if you can get your results? If not, maybe look for a different doctor? Hoping and praying for best results tomorrow

couragement

Oh Amica,

I hear you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just know that a core needle biopsy is not usually very uncomfortable or painful. You will do fine. So great that you have Xanax, that is perfect. I am betting that you will not need hydrocodone. It would be odd if you did and if the pain were bad for some reason then you are in a medical facility and they should step up. I know the issues with opiates these days . I have never gotten addicted either and I have had to take my fair share. In these situations they usually prescribe them in good accordance with pain. But right now let's assume you will be doing fine! They will probably give you some ice packs to put on afterwards. They had me put them in my bra. You might want to have a few things at home that are cold so you can place them on when you get in. It helps with the swelling. Don't forget to get yourself a treat afterwards!! When you go get ice for your breast from the freezer be sure to make yourself a bowl of ice cream . You are on your way. Go in strength.

Let me know how it goes when you feel like it. I'm standing by.

vlnrph

Thinking about Amica getting home after the biopsy today and appreciating the help couragement has been giving her. Ice cream is a great idea along with breathing! Also love the distraction strategies - watching sports, etc.

My procedure was right at Easter time which is why my bruises from the needle punches were such appropriate shades of purple and yellow...

Things do seem to get a little better once a diagnosis is determined and a treatment plan decided. Know that we are here and you can share any time, day or night.

Amica

Thank you Pi-Xi, couragement, janky, vlnrph---I really appreciate your support. You are all so thoughtful. I made it through--and the core biopsy turned out not to be painful. Although it was stressful and they had to give me oxygen. I wonder if they always do that, or was I just such a wreck. I also insisted on a sedative. I am relieved to have got it over with. After the procedure I treated myself to a lunch of fish and chips which turned out to be so huge I had to take TWO to-go boxes for the left-overs! lol And bought a butterscotch brownie, and Jamaican style ginger beer! (with no alcohol). Woo-hooo living large.

The nurses were nice. And so was the radiologist. I think he said he took 10 samples. But anyway. They said biopsy results might take a couple of weeks, which I find odd but maybe they say that so you don't get impatient. They said I could not phone directly for results, but that my family doctor would let me know. I am just relieved to be TAKING SOME ACTION and be on the way to getting some answers and a plan for whatever may follow.

There's slight discomfort around the biopsy area, but really the only thing that I would call painful, is my right shoulder area and right arm, where I have lymphedema, it is sore. It is to be expected since he was working in the right clavicle area. They gave me about about 1000 mg of Tylenol at the hospital and I had some of my own so I had that covered. I didn't need anything stronger. I just took another Tylenol, I need to watch I don't over do it. I"m going to lay down now and elevate my arm.

I hope you all have a good weekend! You are lovely people. It's kind of amazing really, these discussion boards, the good that kind people like yourselves do.

Amica