I think I'm being ignored....

Anonymous

I think I'm being ignored....

TrailDweller

My mom is no longer here, I miss her everyday. My dad, sister and 2 brothers have all ignored this entire diagnosis and treatment that I am doing. They don't even ask. If I don't tell them what is happening I am sure they wouldn't bring it up themselves. It's depressing. My mom would have been calling and cooking and well...asking. I don't want to do the, "why are you ignoring me??" question because if they don't want to know then I guess I won't force the information on them. I want to maintain some sort of relationship with my family. thanks for listening.

Denise-G

TrailDweller - I am so sorry. One of the most difficult lessons of cancer is how relationships with family and friends change. Because of their fears or whatever, the ones you least expect run away from you and others run toward you. There are so many posts on these boards about similar family situations such as you are experiencing.

It is more painful than the cancer. Those boards are out there - maybe someone can post the links!

All my best to you.

beach2beach

Traildweller,

Sorry that you can not share this and have the support of your Mom. As for family, who really knows why they react the way they do. Fear perhaps, maybe Dad can't handle thinking about his child having BC as he lost a wife already. Sister,,possibly too. I know when my sister was diagnosed 9 years ago,,she was 48 and I was 42, it scared me to death. Everyday and especially before every mammo/sono I was even more freaky. I was waiting for it to happen to me. Sadly it did last year at 51, but maybe she can't deal with it just like dad. As for brothers,,,sometimes men can communicate or refuse to show that it affects them. I am in no way standing up for them. Just giving them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people think if they don't mention it, it's not really there. Is there one of them that you are more close to? Perhaps can somehow bring up the subject that you appreciate any and all support but you get the feeling that he/she may not understand it. My spouse is like that. Never said more than , "that sucks" when I told him I had cancer. Said even less after surgery. I picked him in the marriage round. You can't pick family.

edwards750

I agree with beach I think they are afraid. There are people who think if they don’t mention it it isn’t real, there are others who are too scared to say anything and then tgete are the ones who are too self absorbed.

Men as a general rule are the worst. My DH has been supportive and has gone to my appointments with mebut I found the most helpful support came from friends especially ones who had been through it.

There are also people who will avoid you like you have leprosy and treat your disease like it’s contagious. Ridiculous.

My advice would be to turn to friends and support groups. I’m sure it’s not that your family doesn’t care. Mine were considerate and interested but I just didn’t share a lot with them except my sister.

Take care.

Diane

Nancy2581

It does happen unfortunately. I always felt that my own mother and my oldest brother weren't there for me when I was diagnosed. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. I think my mother called me once and my brother not at all even though I called him daily after he had quadruple bypass surgery. I still talk with them, but not as much. Their behavior still bothers me to this day. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really do understand how it feels.

Nancy

Egads007

Trail - That sounds very hurtful. I have (had?) an aunt I was very close to, but never heard from after diagnosis. She was aware but didn’t call, text or email...zilch, and I’m almost 5 years out. I was angry and resentful for a long time. I still don’t know how I would deal if we ever meet again. I concentrate on the amazing friends that I was fortunate to have. Support from family is important, but when it’s not happening, lean on those that do have your back. I know one thing...you sure have all of us here to lean on! Hugs!

TrailDweller

Thank you all for your words, I am glad to have you with me. Dad has been difficult to deal with my entire life. I don't expect much but he's said so many mean spirited things to me before and after the diagnosis, yesterday he only talked to me about his weedeater.

My sister is the one that has shocked me! She doesn't even call. I feel that the family I thought I had is not the one I actually have. I am very disappointed. A friend asked if they just didn't know what to do and I told them that anyone who had spent 50+ years with my mother could not ever use the excuse that they didn't know what to do because she was the ultimate example on caring and giving to people. My dear momma has been gone for 6 years and I miss her more now than ever.

Thank you again for your support

mustlovepoodles

I was surprised when my sisters and my mother basically ignored me during treatment. Mother got her nose out of joint because i told her i hated the whole Pink Revolution and she apparently had already bought the "perfect gift" for me--a breast cancer license plate. My brother called constantly for three weeks, begging me not to die--i finally had to block him for my own mental health. But my sisters, with whom I'm pretty close, went radio silent. We live in different states, so i didn't expect them to drop everything to come to my aid. I had a local support system who did the heavy lifting. But i had hoped my siblings would at least send a card, call or text me now and then.

NotVeryBrave

Families are so difficult. I've decided that every single one is dysfunctional in some way.

I will only add that I think sometimes people don't ask about things cancer related because they don't want to "remind" you or upset you. Perhaps you could bring up your need to talk rather than their apparent dismissal?

Colt45

People react and deal with the news of a loved one’s treatment for an illness differently. Some folks are incredible. They know what to say, at least usually. But even they can put their foot in their mouth. Other people are so clumsy that they seem to set the bar higher each day with the worst thing anyone could say. All the while trying to help. I think the majority are silent. Some are scared for you. Others scared for them. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know if you want to talk (they should ask). They don’t know what to do. They’re lost. They need help. My advice? Give them a job. Tell them it would really help you if they would ________. Then fill in the blank (and not with “jump off the Verrazano Bridge”). Tell them it would help if they could attend a doctor visit with you. Cook a favorite meal. Go shopping with you. Go out to lunch and a matinee. Let them step up. Chances are they’re hiding from this diagnosis in plain sight. Let them know what you need. You sound like the strong one. They might need your help to help you. Your mom sounds like a special lady. Maybe you’re the only one with her caring gene. Have pity on them. And tell them what they can do for you. Best of luck and God Bless

Dhanno

My case is bit different .I have cut all communication with my family members .My only support is my husband and two kids .My husband is like a father ,mother sister brother and friend to me .He is my crutch .I do not need anyone beside him . My family is away from me .I do not want their sympathy My real sister lives close by .She is a crazy woman who thinks cancer is caused by bad karmas and she was always paranoid of anybody who had cancer .She felt that they have negative energy .I still remember one day a young cleaner had come to her house for work When she told my sister that she has breast cancer my sister asked her kids to hide and do not come downstairs in front of her eyes .Imagine what kind of sick person she must be .She gets a sense of superiority that she is Gods chosen one because she is cancer free .So when I first got diagnosed I took the decision to cut her from my life .I did not want her sermons and false empathy

I sometimes feel some relationships are more toxic than cancer . Infact when you have cancer you realize who is most important to you The person who loves you the most will be the only one who simply hugs you .He or she will be your cocoon where you would rest and find peace

NotVeryBrave

The MO that I recently consulted with for a second opinion made a wise comment. He said that a cancer diagnosis often throws a magnifying glass on relationships - the good ones can be even better and the poor ones ... Well, they don't improve.

I think this is why many of us have emotional struggles with relationships in the midst of everything.

Dhanno

Hi NotVeryBrave… You are 100% right The cancer diagnosis is indeed like a magnifying glass .It has really helped me identify who is the most important in my life .

TrailDweller

So, I am still being ignored. Really is aggravating. My aunt was taken to the emergency room. I called my dad to tell him. He said, "I've been wondering about you". Obviously my entire family's phone only take incoming phone calls because he didn't call and neither has anyone else. I haven't spoken to any of them since July 4th. I told him about my aunt and he said he would make sure to check on her later.. she's ok and went home from the hospital.

My dear husband is a cancer survivor. He had colon cancer 15 years ago and underwent chemo and radiation. This morning he said to me, "At least you don't have chemo too, remember I had to do both". I thought, Really? and you were off work the entire time, I'm still working full time and caring for our 10 year old. I didn't think we were comparing cancer!

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Amica

Traildweller

I'm sorry things are this way for you. Unlike in movies, in real life, I have found it is often the case that family do not come through when one has cancer. My family situation is so dismal I don't even want to write about it. I rely on these boards and hope to find a BC support group in the future. That might be a source of support you could investigate.

(hugs)

Amica