Is my DH really that insensitive.

Whome08

I know husbands deal with emotions too when it comes to our diagnosis; however, I have received ZERO support from him. I asked him to maybe give me a hug or grab my hand, etc. He did once, I started to cry and he responded "why are you crying, you're taking care of it." REALLY?

We will be empty-nesters in september. my surgery is in a week, high school graduation is in a few days and all DH is doing is complaining about money. Kids aren't working, you took time off, blah, blah. blah. Our marriage hasn't been great, I feel like this is the deal breaker. I told him I took some time off from work to prepare for graduation and I am also tired, stressed..... He replied, I thought you were putting the medical stuff aside until after graduation. Easier said than done. Yes, I am trying to move on and not think about it. but the feelings are still there I just slap a smile on my face and power on. He has always been a "the glass is half empty type person" but I am saddened by his attitude. I really feel I am at a huge crossroads.

Thanks for listening.

beach2beach

Whome08,

Sorry.,, it is very tough to think of how did it get to be like this. I can sympathize though. Sounds similar as you seemed to know you would not be getting much but held out that maybe you would be surprised, in a good way with him perhaps attempting to give you support. My marriage has been on the rocks for several years, but when I told him I had cancer..his reply..."wow that sucks". No I'm sorry, or even a hey, you will get through this. Gave it a shot another day and I said , do you think this will turn out ok? His reply..."you always do this..over-exaggerate." Gee thanks for the well wishes. (I confided in my close friends and sister and that is where I got my support) Went to BS, PS and Oncologist without him. 2days prior to surgery I asked "are you coming to the surgery" His reply...Oh you want me too? my reply...A-hole...i'm the Mother of your kids,,don't you think you should be there in case something should happen? One of my gf's was there, she even said his demeanor the whole time in waiting room was bs"ng about bs and playing on his phone. After surgery, not a how are you feeling, can I get you something. I truly am not exaggerating. My gf said, well he has a difficult time communicating. Really? Whenever he wanted something from me,,never had a hard time asking for it. I've always been there. I still would, I can be human even if the "being in love" is long since gone. My daughter who was 20 at the time helped me out first few days. I could go on... Needless to say I was sad, and I lost respect for him as a human. He is wonderful to our kids...23,21 and 17, but obviously could not muster up enough to even treat me like a roommate with some compassion. I'm done. Youngest graduates next June. Time to say sayonara then. I'd rather be alone than live rest of my life , now really feeling its finite, with anyone who can't be compassionate when someone needs it, no matter what your feelings are towards them.

Thank goodness for other supportive people in my life. Now that I just vomited out my story,,thanks for listening too. I hope you have someone else to lean on. We can do much on our own but its important to have someone back you up when you need them. You will get through this and come out stronger. You will be surprised at how strong you will be and his lack of empathy will probably harden you up, but you will see how well you will overcome.

Here to listen if you need... feel free to pm also. YOU WILL DO GREAT!

Whome08

send you a PM

keepthefaith

I was divorced for 4 yrs when I got my DX. My ex did ask me how I was doing from time to time after my DX. . He was a jerk in many ways, but would have taken care of my needs. One thing that still stays with me is a conversation i had with my Mom , after my divorce..she said, "do you ever get lonely?". My reply, was, "yeah, sometimes, but it's not as bad as the lonely you feel when you are married to someone with whom you have no connection." My kids and friends were my support during my treatment. Best wishes. You will persevere!

GAMomma

I see a therapist..alot.. Recently she asked me how my husband has been through this. He has been sort of emotionless. We definitely had problems pre diagnosis. He is distant and fails to meet my emotional needs. It wasn't until I said this out loud I really heard it fully. My husband was handed a diagnosis also,a don't whine or you will be considered an asshole diagnosis. I had sympathy out the butt from so many. I had doctors and medicine and procedures to fix me. He had all the financial burden,the mom and dad role,full-time worker,full-time nurse,chaufer, cook,house keeper,teacher,grocery store shopper,coupon clipper.. All in 1 day. How did I think he should react? Compassionate, robotic? I never thought about it. He never had anyone tell him,when we are fixing her,how can we help you heal after thisisover. I felt really selfish after that. I learned to voice my needs,not assume or hope. I offered as much appreciation as possible. One night I was changing and he came into the bedroom. Now normally I would not cover,but I did. Not because I was embarrassed but because I didn't want to risk seeing his face it he was horrified. He saw my reaction immediately realized the situation. Maybe you need to tell him exactly how he is making you feel?

LisaK12

When I was in college my mom was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm. During the surgery to repair it the surgeon clipped the optic nerve, and she went blind in one eye. After the surgery she was recovering in the hospital, and one day my dad decided he didn't need to come to the hospital that day because "the car is due for an oil change." Later, after the divorce (which should have happened long before), my mom told me that was the day she knew she had to leave him.

GAMomma

Lisa brings a good point. I am not a religious person by any stretch. But I do believe we are given tests throughout life. If we pass that situation resolves but if not we repeat until resolved. Maybe before now you knew DH was not making you 100%happy,but suffered for the kids,security,hope. Maybe this is the eye opening you have needed.

Sita26

one word comes to mind here: a**hole