Can people share their coping techniques?

Juls4

I was diagnosed as Stage IV in December 2017. I know it's only been 5 months, but I feel like my ability to cope has gotten worse over those months. When I was Stage II, I felt so grateful for every minute of life, so thankful for everyone in my life, and extremely empathetic towards anyone who was in pain for any reason. Now, I do everything I'm supposed to do to cope. I go to therapy, try to practice mindfulness, spend time with friends and family, I'm not working, I garden, I play with my dogs, I exercise. I feel like I'm checking all the boxes, but the pain of what I've lost is intense and I keep thinking that everything I have pales in comparison to the life I wanted for myself. I'm resentful of healthy people who don't appreciate what they have, and of people with minor illnesses who complain, and I get really angry when people try to be positive about my situation as if what I'm going through isn't that bad. I really wish I could get back to the kind of person I want 2 years ago who was grateful for what she had.

Anyway, can anyone share ways that they have coped with their stage 4 diagnosis? Is it really possible to get to acceptance? Would love to hear ideas. Thanks.

exbrnxgrl

Oh boy, this is a tough one and everyone copes differently. i have lived with stage IV for almost 7 years. I made a decision, from the beginning, that I would live with mbc and enjoy life until I couldn't. It was, and is, not always easy, but it has given me 7 joyful years that I would not have had if I had focused on what's been lost. Yes, mbc is not a good thing, but I realized that only I can control how I live with it. I may not be in control of the disease's progression but I am still in control of other aspects of my life. I also believe in anti-depressants!

I don't know if I will have 7 more years or 7 days, so I refuse to fritter any time away on resenting anyone or begrudging anyone anything. BTW, most people realize that mbc is bad. If they express optimism, it's because they want to give you hope. I know I would rather hear that than tales of people they know who died horrible deaths from bc and other tales that bring us down. Again, not always easy but definitely worth practicing. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist but if it's made no difference, might you consider finding a different therapist?

I had no idea when I was first dx'ed that I would still be here 7 years later. My younger daughter got married during that time and between her and the older dd, I have had 3 grandchildren. I have traveled, continue to work at a job I adore and always plan for the future. If that future is cut short by progression or death so be it. Not living fully today won't change that. I know this may be a hard place for you to get to but practice living in the here and now. That is where you have control. I am not, and never will be, grateful that I have mbc (though am grateful to have done so well thus far). Focus on living, not dying and don't put your foot in the grave one minute before you have to. So yes, it is possible to find acceptance, as I have no other choice. I wish you the best.

JFL

I don’t think I will ever accept this but am in a relatively good place day to day. Not at peace - and not seeking to be at peace - but do find myself enjoying things and occasional moments where I forget I have an awful prognosis. Having a diversion - something that brings you joy in spite of having this disease can help. Everyone’s diversion can be something different. For some, if there is some aspect of your life where people don’t know you have Stage 4 and treat you like a “normal” person, that can help (although that doesn’t avoid people’s complaints about mild or temporary problems).

Also, if you have spent the whole time since dx staying afloat and fighting to do all the right things, maybe you need to stop fighting to cope and take some time to personally grieve this whole terrible, terrible situation we are in and let yourself feel the low without trying to snap out of it. Let yourself feel all of the anger, sadness, resentment, fear, shock or whatever else you are feeling. In most cases, going through that low place will help you eventually get to a better place.

I would also recommend Wellbutrin, which addresses the low energy and physical depression that comes along with overall depression. It really helps with depression and/or treatment-related fatigue, even for someone who is not depressed.

50sgirl

Juls, It is not unusual to feel the way you feel You had plans for your life, and suddenly, BOOM, it was all swept away. Itcan take a long time to find new dreams and renewed hope. It is not easy. Exbrnxgrl and JFL have some good suggestions. If your therapist is not helping, try a new one. Wellbutrin has helped several people on these boards. If you have tried it without success, try another medication since everyone reacts differently. In addition to those ideas, try making little changes rather than big one. Each night, try to think of one good thing that happened to you that day. It can be something very small - an unexpected smile, a delicious meal, a visit from a friend, a new book you started to read, a human interest story that touched your heart, a rainbow, a beautiful sunset, hearing your favorite song on the radio. There is a thread that was started a few years ago. It purpose was to provide tips for fighting the dark clouds that often come along with MBC. It hasn't been active recently, but you might get some ideas from suggestions there. I have attached the link below. I hope it helps.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/833863?page=1

Hugs and prayers from, Lynne

DivineMrsM

Juls4, I am glad you reached out for advice. About six months into my diagnosis of stage iv bc, I was trying different meds for depression to no avail, but I figured out I was actually suffering from anxiety! My pcp was able to prescribe the right medicine and it helped in a way that nothing else would. No amount of meditating, prayer or exercise could take the edge off what I felt. Now I still get a wave of anxiety maybe even every day, but the meds make it easier to push it away.

I have learned to become aware of when that anxious feeling tries to creep up and I ask myself what is triggering it. Is it a song I am listening to, a tv show, a certain thought I'm having? I will change the music, or show, or if it is my own thoughts, I make myself get up and go do something whether it is get a drink, throw some laundry in the wash, whatever. So the meds, definitely. And then the tuning in to how I am feeling and not allowing myself to sink into the anxiety by taking action to change my thoughts.

I have found it beneficial to read books by other people who have difficult health situations, or even life situations like loss of children, death of spouse. I draw strength from reading how they make it through tough times. I also like to read autobiographies of Olympic athletes because they have learned to train the brain to be mentally tough, and I draw inspiration from things they have had to overcome to make it to the top of their sport.

Another coping mechanism: plan something for the future that you look forward to. Plan for a week out, and a month out. Do what you really truly want to do. Also, get out of your comfort zone and spend just a little more money if you have to in order to do something you really want to do, like take in a concert. No need to break the bank, but you can treat yourself and feel good about it. So plan to see a movie or go shopping or a nice drive to see beautiful scenery. Plan an overnight trip. Then get busy making plans. This kind of activity gets your mind thinking above the cancer issue and gives your mind a break. Try to see your situation as living with metastatic breast cancer and not dying from it.

Do something new every week you have never done before. Yep. Once a week. It is called an artist's date. Try a new restaurant. Make a new recipe. Go to a store you have never been to, or a theater you've never been, or listen to music you have never listened to before. Drive to a place you've never gone before, or a different neighborhood, try a new kind if drink...you get the picture. You need new experiences to give you new thoughts and once you start doing something new, every week, you will get addicted to it in a good way and seek our more new adventures.

I also want to say, it is okay to hate people who have their health. It is okay to hate those who want to get all perky and positive about how things really couldnt be that bad. Hey, they have no ****-ing idea what you are feeling. So embrace your feelings, accept that you feel like that. Of course, you do not want to lash out at anyone, but you do not have to spend time with that type person when you don't want to be around them. You are still grieving a life you wanted but was taken. Work through it by allowing yourself the feelings rather than thinking there is something wrong with you. I have been and still am to a degree jealous of others' happy go lucky-ness. It's okay.

Lastly, journal. Write three pages every morning or when you can. Just anything you think of or want to put down. No one ever needs to see your pages. It helps you figure things out, and I have journaled on and off throughout my adult life and find it theraputic.

My best wishes to you.

illimae

I’m sorry you’re not where you’d like to be emotionally but it does sound like you are doing many helpful and worthwhile things to cope. When cancer gets to me, which happily is not very often, I consider the following.

1. How I feel physically, which is usually good and pain free, so I just do normal stuff.

2. I think of the question “what would you do if you only had a year to live?”. My pre-cancer answer is what I try to follow now, enjoy time with my husband, friends, travel, etc. No one says they’ll spend that time sad, regretful, angry. Cancer sucks but most of your days don’t have to.

Daywalker

I am so sorry you find yourself in this hard place. I am confident that the advice given by the ladies will go a long way in helping you on this journey. For myself, I can honestly say my sole coping technique is my faith in God. And I am not trying to sound super spiritual, it is just how it is. If it wasn't for the knowledge that I belong to Him and that He holds my destiny in His loving hands, then I would have disintegrated already. I was born and raised in Africa, and here there is a very thin line between the natural and the supernatural, mainly because for most people life is a daily battle for survival. So in a way it becomes easier to accept the 'hard' as part of life. And they fight the hard with a deep deep joy that is not based on circumstances, but on faith. This is my prayer for you... The LORD bless you and keep you, the LORD make his face shine upon you, and give you peace xx

MJHJAN1014

Juls4- If you can train your mind to live in the moment, you will feel joyful and free. it is not always easy to do, but it works so beautifully. I cannot do it when I have pain, and I have had pity parties for sure. I know that MBC will probably get me in the end, but it is NOT this day. I am going to ride like the wind everyday that I can! Love to you, MJH

Vidya99

did any of you try alternate therapies? I heard people who go for integrative therapies like vitamin C IV, supplements, coffee enemas can do bette