ZERO sex drive 4 years out

noonrider

Help. Things are falling apart here.

I am four years out. Bilateral mastectomy and chemo, full hysterectomy. I take no IA drugs because they made me too sick. As a mom with 7 kids at home who all have disabilities (6 have Down syndrome, one has global delays and fetal alcohol syndrome) I couldn't function. I gave up. I had a fairly high risk of recurrence, so instead I lost 85 lbs to bring my recurrence risk down, as well as any estrogen left in my system. My Onco says with the weight lost and all the other things my risk of recurrence is now down to where it would be if I were taking the AI drugs.

Before cancer my partner and I had a great sex life. I was a person who had multiple orgasms, almost without trying. It was awesome! So....who knew that with little to no estrogen in my system I would have ZERO interest in sex. None. The most physically attractive man could walk by me and I'd be like "Meh...doesn't do it for me." This is damaging our relationship, and he is now feeling really insecure about himself and where we stand. We just kinda live in the same house together, raising these kids. As parents we are great partners. But we haven't had sex in 11 months, and I could easily go another 11 months without. I could never have sex again and would be fine with it. He is not feeling the same way! He wants me to help him out a bit, but honestly I have no desire to do that either. Its like a chore. Like laundry or dishes.

A couple weeks ago I started having some vaginal bleeding. I have no parts left from which to bleed from, so that was a bit concerning. My doctor said I have vaginal atrophy. I never knew there was such a thing! Apparently our vaginas need estrogen. The skin thins and becomes very fragile, thus the bleeding for no apparent reason.

What the hell?

I hate this. I hate what it is doing to our relationship. Who else is going through this? What has your doctor suggested? I have an appointment scheduled with the Oncological Gynocologist, but I feel like I don't want to go. I don't WANT to have sex anymore, so why should I have to go through having someone all up in my business? (Yes, this is very selfish thinking, I know. I'm just....ugh...I don't want to!)

flaviarose

I am 64 years old, and after menopause and breast cancer and aromatase inhibitors, I too have totally lost my sex drive, and really don't think I'd miss it if I never had it again. Nevertheless, I usually have sex with my husband just about every day because he wants to and initiates it. I go along to keep him happy. It is a chore, and it annoys him that he's on my list, like the laundry or other chores. We use a lot of lube, and once we get going, I usually enjoy it.

If your husband wants sex, even if you don't have the immediate desire, you might find that is ok after all, and might be worth experimenting with ways that are comfortable for you. I don't think that you are happy being just roommates, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

Good luck as you navigate this

NotVeryBrave

Wow! Help him out? Sex every day? What?

I know it sucks to have no sex drive. I know that I often feel like it's not fair to my husband. I don't know what the answer is, but in my world it wouldn't be either of those comments.

Men don't NEED to have sex daily. If they think they do or worry that it's a chore for you - perhaps they should take on that chore themselves.

I'm pretty much never in the mood for sex, but my body will respond. But I think that a lot of interest in sex (and just intimacy on any level) starts outside of the bedroom. Is there any connection outside of sex?

You're feelings about it are valid and should be taken into consideration by your husband.