Lost libido before I even started treatment?

buttercup1

Most of the topics I find about cancer and libido concern physiological libido decreases due to chemo, hormone therapy, or physical apprehension due to breast loss. I seem to have lost it due to anxiety though. Is this common? I'm recently diagnosed in March, and I love my husband with all of my heart and soul. He is kind, beautiful and attractive. He has been absolutely wonderful. But I literally cry every time we start to get intimate. I get racing thoughts of death, and how he might be alone if I die, or how I might be permanently disfigured and unattractive (I'm en-route for a double mastectomy). Add in the fact that my mother most likely has ovarian cancer amid other serious illnesses, and the stress of planning our wedding coming up in 2 weeks (we're already married on paper though), stress about full time work and income loss, and going to school part time at night. I think I need to talk to a therapist, but I literally have no time. I couldn't even squeeze a dentist appointment in. I think I just have so much stress that I break down and cry due to the smallest thing, and unfortunately for my husband, I think intimacy triggers it. I guess I'm venting here, but also looking for affirmation that I'm not the only one with pre-treatment intimacy problems.

mustlovepoodles

I've not been in your shoes exactly, but I am fully aware of how anxiety can mess with your intimacy. It sounds like you have a LOT on your plate right now, and I agree with you--spending time with a therapist might be wise. Even though you don't have time to do it right away, it wouldn't hurt to make an appt for after the wedding. This situation will probably not go away quickly. The "waiting" period that you're in right now--lots of scary information and an unclear path-- is difficult for most of us. Treatment is a pain in the butt, no doubt about it, but you will get through this. If your anxiety is keeping you from managing your life, it's probably time to ask your doctor for some medication relief. Many of us here have needed a course of anxiety medication, like Xanax or Ativan, or something to help us sleep.

In the meantime, try to keep your hands busy--writing, gardening, painting, cleaning, sewing. Anything that fully engages your body will engage your mind, and that's what you desperately need right now. Resist the urge to contact Dr Google--he is no friend and will only make your anxiety worsen. Take solace in the fact that breast cancer is very treatable and most women do not die from it.

I wish you the best on your upcoming wedding. I'm sure you will be a lovely bride. Congratulations to you and your husband.

My favorite quote is "When you are going through hell, keep walking" (Winston Churchill--a man who was well acquainted with stress!)

Sweet_Pea

I fully agree with mustlovepoodles on all her points!

I'd add that I'm not going through treatment, per se, because I've been lucky enough to avoid chem, rads (and they even took me off tamoxifen because it gave me migraines) by having a mastectomy...and yet I've noticed that since my diagnosis last summer, my libido has gone down, too. Right now I have anxiety in anticipation of my exchange surgery, which is supposed to be a breeze in comparison to the MX, but I still chose to go to the doctor and get some help with it. The medication he gave me literally means I can be at work like a normal person, not fraught (sp) with worry all day long.

Your case is especially acute because of all the things you have going on at the same time. I'd definitely reach out to a doctor about anxiety meds, but also to a therapist because she/he can help you through this whole process (and everything else you're going through). So: you're not the only one, I'm in your situation without treatment and with decreased libido too, and I would encourage you to let yourself be helped by professionals through this hard process.

Hugs!

buttercup1

Thank you both for your replies. I think I will ask for antianxiety medication when I see my oncologist tomorrow. I'm counting down the days until I can at least finish school to lessen my load a little bit. By the way, mustlovepoodles, your screen name is great!

ShetlandPony

Buttercup, my situation is different from yours, but I do get how thoughts of leaving one's beloved or of surgery scars can get in the way during intimate times. What helped me was mindfulness — to pay attention to what I could see, hear, smell and feel in the moment. A therapist helped me figure that out. And playing music really helped me break the mental habit of thinking about cancer. We would play favorite songs that held romance for us, and I could listen to the lyrics instead of my overactive brain. I hope these ideas will help you.