Cancer and black and white relationship views

blueingreen2

I've been lurking here for some time and first I will say that the women here are courageous and inspiring. My girlfriend has cancer (not breast) and is currently NED and I've used this forum to gain new perspectives.

I've been reading a lot of stories/anecdotes (mostly outside of this website) of how relationships are affected by cancer, and I've noticed the mates of those patients are typically painted with two brushes ... 1) either that person adores their mate like none other in the world and is willing to unflaggingly stick by their side until the end of time, or 2) that person is a piece of crap who abandoned their partner and showed their 'true colors'.

Now, it's pretty fair to say that if you've been married to someone for 10 years and have 2 children and you're having an affair with someone while you're supposed to picking up your spouse from a chemo infusion, there's probably a special place in a not so nice place for you.

But other than that, normal relationships disintegrate for a variety of reasons. Couples divorce at high rates and unmarried couples split often at a moment's notice even when seemingly happy. That is all normal. But when cancer is added to the mix, it seems to always put the blame is put on the diagnosis and the mate, when in reality that relationship might have been ill-fated regardless.

I have seen a few accounts of a person getting back on their feet after treatment and then breaking up with and then praising their then partner who served as caregiver. Never do I see something like "My mate helped me fight cancer and then she decided weren't right for each other. Nothing to do with the cancer. No ill will."

Even if it is because of the cancer, do you really want a mate who will be unhappy? Would you be OK with that person supporting you as a friend, the same as they would support a friend or parent?

This is just an observation I have made. Hey, cancer REALLY sucks. Romantic relationships are complex. But I feel like there's a lot of grey here that is painted either white or black...

muska

Hi Blueingreen, why don't you try putting yourself in the shoes of someone with cancer and switch the roles? Let's say she (your girlfriend) is great, smart and healthy and the relationship is doing fine by all standards and you don't see any clouds on the horizon. Sex is amazing. You are doing well financially and otherwise, feel like a 20 something and run marathons. Then at a routine physical your doc sees something suspicious, sends you for additional tests that come back positive for lung cancer. Your world stops and you feel like your days are counted. You can't focus on anything, get laid off from work, can't sleep, every ache throws you into extreme anxiety because you think it's mets. Obviously, the sex is not your priority any longer and you can't even remember when you had it last time. Some forms of lung cancer are curable nowadays or at least sustainable for a long time but two months into this 'journey' (hate the word) your GF dumps you. She is honest and tells you she doesn't want to spend years on taking care of you but she is willing to support you as a friend while having some fun on the side. Would you be happy for her? What would you say about her?

Denise-G

I have a friend who was ready to divorce her husband BEFORE his Stage 4 diagnosis. She stayed because of "for better or worse."

Cancer helped their relationship because it got rid of the selfishness within her she tells me. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. But her commitment brought more clarity and love to their marriage and changed him as well.

Right now he is NED.

edwards750

Tough question. No easy answers. I’m not sure there is a right and wrong response either.

I’ve known several ladies whose spouses deserted them when they got BC. So much for wedding vows. I also know caregivers who are exhausted mentally and physically. In fact my FIL was one. He reached out for help when he couldn’t take care of my MIL’s needs anymore. She had Alzheimer’s disease. No question it takes its toll.

Bottom line is you have to live with your own conscience. Frankly if I had a caregiver who couldn’t deal with my illness anymore I would like to think I would understand. It’s like you are sentenced and so is your caregiver. How fair is that? You can’t put feelings into a person.

Everyone is entitled to a happy life.

Diane

blueingreen2

@muska...

I have gotten my girlfriend through several cycles of treatment, so I know a bit about it. Of course, you can never truly put yourself IN those shoes.

I think in your example, that hypothetical (non-married) mate would not be looked at too fondly for abandoning me DURING treatment, but realistically, I do have people who can help me and give me rides from chemo. If that mate got me through treatment and into remission and could not deal with my decreased vitality or possible recurrence, but I could see they cared enough to keep on as a friend, I would be perhaps heartbroken, but I wouldn't slander them.

But that is just my opinion, and one that is completely hypothetical.

But you also took most of the grey out of your example as you cited a couple whose relationship had no flaws.

Let's face it. Nobody is every going to say "I want to break up with you because you have cancer." And cancer being the sole reason for the breakup is probably the case far less often than people think.

Cancer is pretty random at which couples it chooses to attack and at which stage. It just sucks all around.

NineTwelve

Relationships are hard, except when they're not. Cancer is hard (except when it's not.)

I'm not sure why someone who doesn't have breast cancer, and who is not involved with someone who has breast cancer, is showing up to tell breast cancer survivors that we need to be careful about how we describe our relationships. We are living in the moment, and sometimes that moment is all black, or all white.

Later, in our real lives, we laugh and forgive and say thank you to that person we were cussing up a storm about. Or we cut them out of our lives. Or we do something in between. This all happens in real life and the whole story doesn't always make it into a post on BCO.

Anyway, blueingreen2, you are using your very first post here to find fault with cancer survivor's relationship expectations. I wonder why. Were you burned by someone you helped?

muska

@ blueingreen2...

You say you would be heartbroken in the hypothetical example we are discussing here. If the purpose of your post was to find out what reaction your breakup would trigger you answered your own question. She would probably be heartbroken. Whether she would slander you or not depends on who she is. I wouldn't slander you but I wouldn't keep you as a friend either. I would move on and rely on other friends. Keeping you as a friend would be too painful.

AnimalCrackers

BlueinGreen2 - Sounds like you are looking for forgiveness for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore and gosh darn now she has cancer and everyone is going to hate you for breaking up with her when she needs you the most.  But really you're a good bloke and are willing to help her through treatments for a while but no longer want the relationship part.  Really a good bloke but her timing in getting cancer just interfered with your escape from the relationship.  You've probably got a little bird waiting in the wings.   Does she even have an inkling that you feel this way?  Does she have a good support group besides you?

As far as your notion that "Cancer is pretty random at which couples it chooses to attack and at which stage" I don't recall you mentioning that you also have cancer."  It hasn't attacked you and you are looking to bolt from the person it is attacking.  If I sound harsh I'm sorry but you came here, for what I really don't understand, other than to intrude on our most intimate feelings and judge us.  Even if you have read every single post on this board you have no right to throw your observations of what is black or white or grey or polka dot at any given time in any of these wonderful women's and men's lives coping with Breast Cancer.  You don't have breast cancer and your "mate" doesn't have breast cancer yet several nice women were kind enough to address your post looking to feel better about leaving your girlfriend.

For what's worth I happen to have a wonderful husband who is with me for the long haul which may be not so long.  I've been Stage IV for almost 4 years and I hope to be around at least another 4 but my days are numbered.  If my husband felt the way you do I'd want him gone. 

blueingreen2

@muska

I think the purpose of my post was find out why there is such animosity towards the person who breaks up with a cancer survivor when there could be a variety of reasons and circumstances. But I've seen that some posters have more grey attitudes.

I saw this forum had a 'dating/relationships' section and that's why I posted here. In retrospect, probably a bad choice. I probably should have just gone somewhere else and stated my situation outright.

Thank you for the help ladies and good luck to you.