Future Spouse of a Cancer Patient

Bamaguy

Hi community,

I'm 28 years old with a fiance (she's 31) who was diagnosed with DCIS back in January, had a masectomy in February, and who just received her Oncotype DX test at a score of 56.

When she had her masectomy, they found a 6 mm invasive tumor inside the surrounding DCIS after tissue disection. Her lymph nodes were negative, no indication of BRCA gene, and the margins were good from her surgery. The chemo doctor ordered the Oncotype test after the surgery, and is recommending tamoxifen and likely will recommend chemo today based on her score.

For lack of better words, the last three months has felt like a consistent punch in the crotch. We aren't even married yet, and it's like we jumped on the worst rollercoaster ride ever.

Before the oncotype test, I have been very adamant based on her other results that she does not need chemo treatment, and the known risks at her age of treatment vs. the off-chance that a couple of cells "may" have broken off into her blood to metastatize don't even out in the slightest. The other part that is bothering me is that they did a masectomy i.e. took every bit of breast tissue possible, and now we have no way of measuring if a chemo treatment is of any benefit due to no tumors anywhere else.

I'm more scared of her doing treatment because it's like trading a devil you may encounter with a slight probability (since the tumor is now out of her body) vs a devil that you most definitely will encounter (fertility issues, early onset menopause, bone problems, thyroid problems, mood swings, depression). We had our ups and downs like any couple, but I can already tell there's a rift growing. I have been completely honest with her as always, and when she asked if I was having second thoughts, I told her I loved her. I also told her that every thought under the sun has hit me in the last couple of months and I'm having to face the next 20-30 years of my life just like her, and yes, it has made me question to an extent.

We are very physically intimate, and it's a big part of our relationship. I'm scared of the treatment's affect not only on her ability to live her day to day life happily, but also something that we share very closely. I guess my main problem as her significant other is that I'm only seeing negative things instead of positive and I don't know how to fix that.

Any other guys with similar experiences would be greatly appreciated to know how it went for you. Thanks.

Moderators

Hi Bamaguy, and welcome to Breastcancer.org,

We're so sorry to hear of your fiance's diagnosis, but we're really glad you found our Community. This space is an incredible source of information, advice, and support. We're all here for you and your fiance!

You're sure to get some helpful responses here soon, but we also wanted to share with you our For Family, Caregivers, Friends and Supporters forum, specifically, the Husbands Corner thread, where other spouses share their ups and downs of loving someone with breast cancer. You also may be interested in the Sex and Relationship Matters forum, where many discuss the physical and sexual implications of breast cancer and its treatment.

We hope this helps and that you get some answers and advice soon. We look forward to hearing more from you and we look forwad to supporting you and your fiance throughout her treatment journey!

--The Mods