Seriously struggling

lkellyr

Hello all. I'm triple negative stage IV IDC. I'm on oral chemo and doing pretty well. I went to a wedding yesterday of 2 lovely wonderful friends of mine and I'm really happy for them.

I realized earlier this week that at 52 and with my diagnosis, I won't be experiencing anything like that. I'm a fairly attractive woman, self sufficient, gainfully employed, easy to get along with, not jealous, etc. I've been single for over 5 years (with 2 very short term dating relationships within that 5 yr period) and haven't been asked on a date for more than a year. I'm somewhat social but don't go out a ton. In figuring out what I'd wear to the wedding, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The ONE thing I've wanted my entire life - a long lasting successful relationship - is the one thing I don't ever get to have. Could I met a guy someday that might ask me out? Sure. What's going to happen when he hears my diagnosis? He'll run for the hills.

I checked out a couple of 'cancer patient/survivor' dating sites, but like most online dating, it was a trainwreck.

I'd made my peace with being single for the rest of my life and was accepting of that fact. There's a 'friend of a friend' whom I've known for quite a few years and recently saw at a few events with friends. He expressed interest, we socialized at these events, and chatted here and there. Once he heard of my diagnosis, he let me know he can't handle that and withdrew. I don't want to have any hope that this *could* happen, because I can't stand the stress or sadness I'm feeling now. It hurts too much.

Has anyone else been through this? I'm usually fairly quick to bounce back from my sad days, but this one is hard to shake. I'm tired of crying and feeling like shit.

NotBrokenJustBent

Ikellyr, I am so sorry you are feeling such a loss. Is it possible to find love? I believe so but certainly more challenging. I briefly dated a man who had lost a GF that he deeply loved to cancer. He wanted nothing more than to love and take care of me when I finally told him. (I was two years out from my dx). His experience with her brought such empathy, and while other men having gone thru that once would have run from me, he was completely devoted. Unfortunately I could not feel the same about him.

You will find in middle age many men have gone thru some serious health issues and in that respect it makes things a bit easier for us. I hope you find what you are looking for. As for me I have been in committed relationships for most of my life and I am happily single, at least for now.

NotBrokenJustBent

Ikellyr, I am curious as to your experience on the cancerpatient dating site? Can you elaborate here or via PM?

lkellyr

Hey NotBrokenJustBent,

Thanks for the kind words and for sharing. I'm finding that most men in my general age group (at least, in my area) aren't really interested in relationships, rather they want a friend with benefits or something similar. I don't think that's wrong, necesarily but it's not what I want. Some men my age do want a relationship... with a woman 20 years younger and to have kids. Or I get interest from 70 somethings or 20 somethings - again, not what I want.

I tried 2 sites - one had about 60 members total (worldwide) and the other had lots of men but most were either interested in long distance or just wanted sex. Online dating in general is not fun.

klvans

Gosh if a 52+ man wants to have children I would question his sanity. The best part about dating an older man is that his kids are grown...

anotherNYCGirl

lkellyr, - I know that some days we are all feeling down, - but keep an open mind, and dont give up on the idea of finding the right guy! There are great guys out there, I am sure!

I have to admit, I wouldnt disqualify a great guy, even if he was 70! Why not give him a chance? He may be young at heart and be a wonderful person!

My daughter is seeing a man who is much older than she is, but he loves her and makes her happy. Time will tell how it will turn out, but she is smiling and enjoying life after a very stressful marriage to someone her own age.

I wish you health and happiness!

NotBrokenJustBent

I have actually had good experiences on dating sites. That is actually where I met that guy I spoke of. I had fun with dating several men until I met someone that I could have fallen for and that is when I realized that I was not emotionally ready for a relationship. I never told him about my BC and I wonder how he would have reacted, but the two men I told were great and not frightened off. One guy had a gigantic scar on his chest. I never asked him what that was from, none of my business, but I thought it made him look very sexy. Wish I felt the same about my scars. Men have it way easier.