Waiting and the Roller Coaster

Trailrunner4

I am 4 months out from bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction (bilateral breast cancer). It was determined that I didn't need radiation or chemotherapy because even though I had a lot of cancer in both breasts and nipples, the margins were clear and there was no evidence of lymph node involvement. The breast cancer surgeon gave me wonderful news in March that my cancer has an ultra low risk of recurrence and I would likely not see it again in my lifetime. Even so, I am dutifully taking my Tamoxifen and will for 5-10 years because I have genetic susceptibility to the cancer.

I am now 2 1/2 weeks out from prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy because of my genetic susceptibility to ovarian cancer. With the news that my breast cancer has an "ultra low risk" of recurrence and the news that my ovaries were all clear, I have felt excitement about my future and I'm ready to move forward with plans for the future - training with Search & Rescue, new job, moving, lots of good stuff. All I've talked about it is how I'm on the other side of all of this and ready to move on.

So, imagine my surprise when I happen to reach over and find swollen, hard axillary lymph nodes next to my right breast implant on Wednesday of this week. I'm not panicking and I think I'm learning that with cancer, there are no absolutes. I can't make definitive statements like "it's over." Maybe once you've been diagnosed with cancer, it's never totally over even if you don't have a recurrence, because every time you find something like a lump, the roller coaster starts all over again.

Now I have to wait. I was fortunate to see my breast cancer surgeon the same day I found the lumps and she felt them too. She is surprised and concerned, but she's hoping that because I just had surgery and a post-surgery infection, that maybe the nodes are just swollen from dealing with the infection. She has me waiting 2 weeks and then I start the diagnostics...first the ultrasound and then see her again. We might as well biopsy the nodes too so we know for certain.

I'm angry that cancer may have duped me into believing this was over and I could move on with my plans. I'm worried because if these nodes have cancer in them and the CT scan, MRI, and ultrasounds missed it, then where else could have been missed (I don't even want to think about it). I'm trying to learn a lesson to keep me off the roller coaster....trying to be practical and calm....if the nodes have cancer, then I will attack it head on and do what I need to do. But, shit. I was supposed to be free of this now. And the waiting....ugh.