He just can't

MissThem

So since my bi-lat mastectomy a year ago DH can not become or stay aroused. He has been over the top amazing in every other way, supportive and dedicated, but this has messed with his head and libido big time. He has sheepishly admitted to me that my breasts were what turned him on and wants to but just can't make it happen. Little blue pills have helped marginally but he still "loses it" when he reaches for something that's not there anymore. I've always known he was a "Boob Man" as every woman in his life before and including me had large breasts. He just loved them and I loved that he did.

He will not go to counseling...says that its fine and we are getting older so sex isn't as important (we are 58 so that's ridiculous) ...but it's still important to me. I think it is to him too and am pretty sure he is self satisfying with porn or worse.

So now what??

Lula73

None of this is fair...let’s face it, the reality is it sucks. I’m sure your DH is just as upset over his response as you are. It’s not like he can help it. It sounds like he really loves you. As you are making your way through this issue, just keep that he’s likely hurting too in mind.

Your info at the bottom says you had DIEP flap recon...are you saying they are different now and he is not happy with the new ones? Or is it that you have no feeling in the nipples (and perhaps some of the breast) that he doesn't like? Or the scars? Or is the recon in the future?

On the self-satisfaction, I would rather my DH self-satisfy to “busty babe" pics/porn than get satisfaction elsewhere. Usually, it’s not that the porn is being looked at that’s the problem, but rather the feeling that you're not enough. Jealousy, resentment, feelings of inadequacy, and being on the outside ensue. A lot of it is how you look at it. But first, dies he do other intimate things with you? Are there other satisfying ways you two haven't done that you could explore togetherthat maybe wouldn't have his focus on your chest but rather on other parts or on what you're doing to/for him? Porn can go both ways too you know-it's not all about the men. There is plenty out there you could look at together and increase your intimacy that way. After looking together he might be able to keep things going better. Sometimes exploring new options is a very good thing and can help bring the sexual side of a relationship to a whole new level of satisfaction.

Egads007

MissThem,

58 is far too young to forgo sex, you’re right about that. Perhaps if you told your DH that counseling is as important to your odds of marriage survival as chemo is to cancer, and ask him to at least try one session. He might be squeamish about talking to a stranger about his problems with maintaining himself. Some guys are very much so. Stress to him that the marriage could suffer terribly under an imposed celibacy. If he still refuses, you might consider going for counseling yourself. This can’t be doing your head space any good. I’m sorry that both of you are going through this and hope you can come to a resolution of this problem. And I hate that cancer has stolen this from you both

MissThem

Lula Thank you for the reply. My DIEP flap surgery was in January and the left side failed completely in February and the right side didn’t take very well at all so there is very little there. Nipples are a long way off.

Before January I had tissue expanders which were as hard as rocks and freaked DH out. The reality is it’s going to be a long time before I can pass for looking normal. As far as what I feel… I am telling him I feel everything even though I feel nothing because I don’t want to add to his anxiety.

He won’t look at porn with me, he wouldn’t even before this all happened. Honestly I don’t think anyone can give me any answers other than to put that part of my life behind me and be happy to have a man as devoted to me and our family as he is. But I have a nagging feeling that eventually that will not be enough for him.

ruthbru

Have you tried just cuddling, necking, goofing around like when you were a teenager with no expectation of 'sex' (maybe even specifying 'no sex')? With the pressure off, something may happen; and even if it doesn't, you will feel closer and it might even be fun.

NotVeryBrave

What about what you are wearing? Many women are self conscious about how they look and wear (and keep on) pretty lingerie or bras during sex. Some also use prosthetics to feel sexy through illusion - not just for their partner but for themselves.