Felt good at first but melting down after 6 months

justbeatgeno

I felt "lucky" (considering) when I was first diagnosed. I was Stage 1, mastectomy was easy, nodes clean, no LVI, no radiation needed, Doc said no chemo (though I'm still questioning if that was the right decision). I'm now on Zoladex to suppress my ovaries and Tamoxifen (hoping to switch to an AI). Now that I'm 6 months post surgery, I feel worse then I did when I was in the thick of it. I went through those first few weeks with such hope. Now I have so much fear. Fear I'll never feel "right" again (yucky med side effects). Fear of recurrence. Did anyone else feel ok at first, but struggle a few months down the line?

Georgia1

Hi there and I'm so sorry you're in a rough patch. Honestly I was worse at the beginning: more scared and more confused by all of the terminology. After I finished radiation and went on Tamoxifen, I convinced myself I was doing everything I could and there was no point in worrying. I also learned a lot more and felt empowered in my choices. But probably different from you is that I'd already had cancer (malignant melanoma in my 20s) and I'm post-menopausal, so the side effects of Tamoxifen for me are pretty minimal.

On the yucky side effects, have you discussed them with your doctor? Or are you open to sharing them here? Lots of women on the boards have little tricks and tactics to share to minimize a host of SEs.

On fear of recurrence, I can only say what works for me is realizing that yes, I might get cancer a third time. But I also might get hit by a truck - or win the lottery. Then I try hard to find something good in every day.

farmerlucy

I melted down for several months that first summer. I saw an article on this site that said that many breast cancer survivors suffer from PTSD and that often it raises its ugly head after active treatment is done. Plus shutting down one's ovaries is a big deal. I feel for you. I took Effexor along with the Tamoxifen and that really helped to even me out.

Fear of recurrence is hard to shake as well. A wise Dr once told me it would take a year or even two for me to accept it. He was right. I'm six years out. I just had my yearly exam with my oncologist today. I've had major anxiety about it for the past week.

Keep on keeping on. That's my mantra. Some days are easier than others. Big hug to you.

exercise_guru

at some point after I was a bit out. I went through post traumatic stress and then I went through depression and then all of the stages of grief.

Finally the tomoxifen was giving me such severe hot flashes that I went on effexor 37.5mg it has helped me so much. I guess I needed the antidepressant part and now I can sleep through the night without the hot flashes

Your obgyn would be the most supportive for that kind of stuff.

At some point I talked with a caring counselor that helped me get it all out so I didn't feel I was burdening my friends and loved ones. It's also ok if you need to seek out someone to talk to about all this.

It's a lot to process.

VL22

My first meltdown was at diagnosis. Second was when my diagnosis changed after surgery. My last meltdown was last week - over nine months out from initial diagnosis, finished chemo and almost done rads. My body has just felt battered, bone and muscle aches and I let my mind run away from me. I had a complete sobfest in the RO’s office. It was a terrible week.

Now I’m done rads and I took a deep breathe and I feel pretty good. This right here is my life and I refuse to let fear take it from me anymore. Sharing the fear and sadness is a must, but so is letting it go

keepthefaith

I think it's fairly common. Something I wish our medical teams would inform us of ahead of time, so we could be aware. It would be nice to have a professional available as part of standard treatment and care. Once your treatment is over, I think the appts, having someone support you, is over and you are left feeling alone and scared. Then you have your mortality slapping you in the face; I felt a sense of urgency that I should be doing more with my life, etc. It took me a couple of yrs to get through it all. Now, I am feeling optimistic and happy overall. I had a 6 month follow up yesterday and I still get anxious for my appts after 4.5 yrs. I don't think the fear of recurrence ever totally goes away. Give yourself some time. If you think you are depressed, get some help. You are not alone. ((HUGS))

Bosombuddy101

I too am going through a meltdown of sorts right now. It's been roughly six months of bliss feeling that I've conquered the big C after my bilateral mastectomy, and then last week I discovered a rash on my prophylactic side near the scar which sent me into a tailspin thinking it was metastatic skin cancer! I must have looked at every single picture of metastatic skin cancer out there on dr Google. I was in a very dark place for about a week thinking I probably had six months left to live-- once you have metastatic skin cancer what can they do? Two days ago the rash started clearing up (YAY!!!) and I found out that I have a polyp in my uterus. UGHHHHHHHH!! Now I have to schedule an appointment with my gynecologist and find out whether it's cancerous, whether it should be removed or maybe have a hysterectomy? Does the worry ever end??! I'm just a bundle of nerves right now.

justbeatgeno

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that's been through this. I was humming along ok, and then BAM! I don't think the drop in estrogen is helping me at all (well, at least not mentally). I've had all of these crazy symptoms, and so while I'd like to be past all of my doctor's appointments, I'm suddenly seeing an uptick in appointments - primary care, obgyn, cardiologist, onc... and now I have to go see an endocrinologist. I just want the appointments to be done. I did break down and get a counselor and have had 3 appointments. At my appointment yesterday she suggested a "support group", so I immediately thought of this "Stage 1" message board. I'm glad I posted last night, and I'm thankful for all of you who replied. I already feel better. BosomBuddy -- good luck with the obgyn. I've been there too, and mine was benign (it was an internal fibroid). I'm sending out positive vibes you're in the same boat.

Bosombuddy101

Thank-you Justbeatgeno! I hope it's nothing and I could move on from this worried state. My primary care physician read the radiologist report and the radiologist didn't seemed concerned by the fact that there is a polyp (???). This is the same radiologist who thought my breast cancer was benign. There was no evidence of endometrial thickening. However, the polyp is apparently 1 centimeter. Given my breast cancer diagnosis, I don't think I should just leave it at that without a followup with my gynecologist. How common are polyps in the uterus?

It's good to be followed and have things checked out----better safe than sorry! Why are you seeing an endocrinologist, is it to check hormone levels? I asked about a hormone panel and my doctor keeps telling me that hormone levels fluctuate throughout the day. I would feel better knowing.

bluepearl

As a form of ptsd, these melt downs can happen at any time. Even years later....especially if you feel a quirky pain somewhere. Just remember that as a b.c. survivor, you will always be followed closely.

justbeatgeno

BosomBuddy -- I'm not sure how common the polyps are. Probably common. I had mine removed with a hysteroscopy (this was 1 year before BC diagnosis) but doc said it wasn't even a "benign polyp" it was a fibroid (which is also benign). It's a different kind of tissue.

So, the hormone levels... I'm on Zoladex in an effort to push me into menopause so I can switch to an AI from Tamoxifen. I've had my hormones tested by blood test twice, and both times, my estrogen is very very low, but my FSH is also low. My onc said my FSH has to be above 25 to be considered in menopause. He doesn't understand why it's no, so he's sending me to an endocrinologist to see if something is wrong with my pituitary gland. BUT -- having said that -- from what I read, the whole point of Zoladex is to suppress the pituitary gland from making FSH. So, I'm totally confused. Is something wrong with my pituitary gland? Or, does my onc not know what he's talking about?

gkbuser

justbeatgen, i am about 1yr out from starting my AI and 13 months out from my radiation. I am definately worse off now than when I was in the thick of it. It was not clear if I was postmenopausal or not so I have been on Zoladex and Letrozole and it has been a rough ride. You are not alone. I feel like I will tough it out as long as I can. Perhaps any treatment is better than just quitting. I love my doctors but seems like there is not alot they can do for the side effects. I just find the thought of this for another 4 yrs very daunting. I guess we have to support each other and share what works for us in the hopes we can help each other. I have the fear of recurrance too which I hope will get better with time. It gets discouraging to page through bios on here and see page after page of women who have early stage BC then get stage 4 mets. I just tell myself that the ones who didnt got off the boards and on with their life. I have gotten to the point where I allow myself to read, research and think about it for like 45 mins then force myself to get off and do something else. I feel like I am almost going to talk my body into something. I do positive self talk daily. I believe in God and need to claim the healing I prayed for. I met a lady who was a 23yr survivor and she attrubutes it to her belief in God and positive attitute.She believes she is healed! I want to be like her!

gkbuser

Bosombuddy, I had a polyp too. I had it removed with a hysteroscope and it was nothing to worry about. She said not precancerous or anything. Easy surgery too. You cant help but worry though I know that is where our minds go. The way this messes with our pych really ticks me off. I cant even get a hedache any more without worrying! Geez! Hang in there!

klvans

gkbuser Please remember that statistically the odds are very much in your favor of never developing mets. I agree with the power of thinking positively.

gkbuser

yes! Thank you klvans! 💜

feliciascintillation

After my mastectomy, lat dorsi reconstruction, and chemotherapy were completed, reality sunk in. The lingering discomfort and pain are still present and currently I am nearly three years out. The last two weeks has brought me even more perspective. I was diagnosed with a basal cell carcinoma on my scalp and amscheduled for Moh's surgery. Two days later, I fell on an icy patch while on a hike and fractured my patella. A painful injury which will heal in time without surgery so I am lucky. However, I was crushed by both these diagnoses occurring so close together since I had just been getting stronger physically and emotionally. Even though they are small bumps in the road, I have had to pause, regroup, and realize how fortunate I was just a few weeks ago and I wasn't even aware of it. There are so many peaks and valleys in this life and the recognition that the emotional rollercoaster is not unique to me gives me some comfort.

Bosombuddy101

Felicia, there will always be bumps in the road especially as we get older. It's just a fact of life. It's good that you caught the basal cell carcinoma early.

Gkbuser, I got a copy of the radiologist report for the pelvic exam and it turns out I have a 1 cm fibroid and not a 1 cm polyp! Every thing else is normal. Phew!!! What a roller coaster ride! Now I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy ----FUN TIMES AHEAD! ;0)

gkbuser

Bosombuddy. so glad to hear!

XXXGGGYYY

You are not alone. I’m at about the 7th month since diagnoses. I remain ever so grateful for: (i) having caught it early (stage I, IDC, triple negative); (ii) having really good insurance and the all star medical team; and (iii) having a great personal support network with friends, family, and work. At the time, I moved through all of this, just making the logical decisions necessary, feeling like I really had no choice. Now, that it is all behind me, I’m more traumatized when I think of everything I’ve been through. Again, I’m trying to keep my eye on the ball —there is so much to be grateful for and it is behind me. But, I can’t help but just want to cry now at times. I’m assuming that, with time, it will get better

Rozzie_1

Hello. I can definitely relate. I was diagnosed in December. Stage 1/1A and i too felt very grateful for early detection. I am still grateful. Thank God for this thread because I too started having thoughts I found I couldn't share with my family and friends because I didnt want to worry them. I had surgery, a lumpectomy. on 2/27/18 and I haven't started rads and Tamoxifen yet but rads will begin in a couple weeks. Just the past couple weeks my mind started wandering about things....how long will I be cancer free? What if it moves to my left breast? What if and when will mets take place? I think we all have thought about a lot of things because of the nature of this HORRIBLE DISEASE. That being said hold your head up and do your best to remain positive and focus on being healthy. Surround yourself with good people and pray. We have to live. One day at a time. An increase in anxiety and worry is now our "new normal". Enjoy your life. You will get better. I'm so glad to hear I am not alone and we can do this.